There’s far more than age that distinguishes a man from a boy
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‘You’re all grown up’ my Mum said.
I was standing in a pub with my mother and my brother, who is two and a half years my junior but who stands six foot tall (I’m five, five) and is often mistaken for the elder sibling.
With a high-paying job in the City, he’s able to afford smart clothes. Having just returned from living in the jungle for a year and still working for a charity, I had recently treated myself to a new jacket and had found a charity shop black coat that could pass as new.
In my Mum’s eyes, my smart-casual outfit for this family meal was a sign that I was, finally, at the age of 28, as grown-up as my 25 year old little brother.
This got me thinking—what is growing up really about? When do boys turn into men?
I think there’s more to a boy growing into a man than the clothes he can afford:
1. Responsibility and maturity
When I asked some friends what becoming an adult/man meant to them, they said that responsibility was key.
This means being able to take responsibility for yourself, internally and externally and for things beyond yourself – other people, a job, a house.
And this means knowing when to be mature. But, it didn’t mean having to be mature all the time. Retaining a sense of humour and knowing when to mess around or lighten up is also important.
2. Taking care of yourself
Taking care of your physical appearance is important, and clothes are part of that. But it’s about healthy routine and practice, rather than expensive or smart clothes. The same is true of your physical and mental health and your living space.
I’ll hold my hands up – there was a time when I was the kind of guy who would leave washing up so long it could legitimately be classified as a nature reserve.
But living in a house shared in the jungle, with up to 15 other people, where rats would crawl over the clean crockery, certainly gave me a new appreciation for hygiene and tidiness.
I’ve also suffered from depression. Having mental health problems doesn’t mean you’re not grown up. But when you’re at your best knowing how to take care of your spiritual, emotional and physical wellbeing in the way that best suits you is important.
In fact, suffering from mental ill health was a terrible experience and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But many of us will suffer from this, and it forced me to grow up, confront issues I had never tackled and things in myself that I felt needed improving.
3. A sense of adventure
Whether it’s literally taking flight and heading to the other side of the world, or doing something that scares you physically or emotionally, we only grow up by testing our boundaries.
As soon as we fall into the trap of saying “I’m not the kind of person who…” (Thanks Seth Godin), we stop changing and growing.
One of the best ways I’ve found of doing this has been collaboration on projects with friends. Self-starting events, projects, ideas and organisations has challenged me to take responsibility, learn what I’m capable of and lead in a way I never thought I could.
4. Knowing true value
Maybe this one feels like it takes a lifetime of wisdom, but I feel that it’s perfectly possible, at any age, to know what is truly valuable.
It’s not material goods, it’s not your social profile or your status, it’s not wealth or being fashionable. To me these feel like the mistakes of boyhood that I used to fall into.
These days I feel that knowing what is truly valuable is a key part of the transition I made from boyhood to manhood.
And what is truly valuable? It’s different for each person I’m sure, but for me:
– my passions – in my case nature, wildlife and photography
– loved ones and close friends
– simple pleasures – baking, reading, walking
5. Compassion and generosity
A man knows how to put others first and take care of himself and those around him.
This means being generous in the ways that are available to him. This might mean money, but it also means with emotions and time.
Log off twitter and spend time with those you care about and who care about you – you never know how long they’ll be around.
Put others before you, perhaps because it feels good, perhaps because you believe good things come around, but principally because it’s the right thing to do and it will make them happy.
♦◊♦
Most importantly though, I should say that there is no particular age at which men learn these qualities. Growing up isn’t to do with the number of trips you’ve made around the Sun. It’s about developing these and other qualities.
I know men much younger than myself who inspire me, and men older than myself who still have work to do. These are qualities we should be teaching our children and we definitely shouldn’t think of age as the gateway to them.
I still have a lot of work left to do too. I’m not a good man yet, but (thanks in part to the stories I read on this website) I am a better man.
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Photo: Flickr/Amélien Bayle
Hi D,
I completely agree, and I guess that’s true of a hell of a lot of the articles on this site. But I do think that some of the qualities I mention (compassion, honesty about mental health issues) are less likely to be encouraged among our boys than our girls because of some of the ways we raise them. The best source of evidence I have for this is the other articles on this site.
I don’t disagree with the “becoming” and “growing up” part, but couldn’t all of this simply be flipped and read “Five Ways Girls Become Women”?