Flowers on the First Date? Yes or No?

Who said chivalry is dead?

Apparently, there are still gentlemen out there who think of bringing flowers on a first date.

Reddit user relaxicab223 asks:

“Ladies, what’s your opinion on flowers on the first date?

For context, she’s 28 and I’m 33. We matched on hinge and we’ve been chatting on and off for about a week and a half and have had one video chat. Things are going fairly well, but we’re definitely in the “interested but feeling each other out stage.”

Ive always brought flowers on a first date. I’ve been told recently by some friends (women and men) that this can come off a bit strong. But that’s not my intention. I don’t have super strong feelings for this woman yet, and I’m not trying to love bomb. Its just…. Me. I like to do small things like that even on first dates. But with the nightmare of a landscape that is modern dating, I guess I wanted to get your opinion.

I know women aren’t a monolith, but what’s your general feel/response to a man you’re getting to know showing up with a single flower or bouquet for the first date?”

Most of the top responses make it very clear that giving a woman flowers on the first date is not a good idea in this day and age.

They say it’s “too much” and that it’s much better to save it for a second or third date.

“First dates are for basic vibe checks. The real first date is the second date.” — Reddit user 00rb

The implication in the above quote is that bringing flowers is too big of an investment for just a basic vibe check. Very reasonable, especially if you only talked on a dating app and are meeting face to face for the very first time. A bouquet is a lot.

There was one notable exception regarding a cultural difference, though:

“Unless your date is Eastern European, in which case bringing flowers is likely to elicit a positive response. We bring flowers for everything, and definitely when trying to make a good impression.” — Reddit user hugship

Still, the general consensus is NO. Don’t bring flowers on the first date.

In most cases.

However, the most important line in that whole post is when he says, “It’s just me.”

He says that he likes doing small things, even on the first date. The problem is that most women responding aren’t seeing flowers as just a small thing.

Many old traditional courtship gestures such as giving flowers, inviting someone to a preplanned event, and asking the woman’s parents for permission to start dating are seen as bigger, more formal signals of commitment in this day and age compared to before.

These aren’t small things anymore, but he definitely should make this flower-giving seem like a smaller thing and do it anyway.

Why? Authentic expression is ultimately more important than conforming to artificial standards in dating.

“If this is who you are, you will find someone that’s into that. Don’t shrink yourself to be someone you aren’t” — Reddit user blugirlami21

As the original poster said, doing something like giving flowers is just who he is.

In dating, it’s better to find someone who is compatible with your authentic self sooner than later. Even if it can be seen as a bigger gesture, there are women out there who will appreciate it. And there are even more women who will appreciate it if the action is framed in a better way.

Here’s how he can make it work:

1. Context is EVERYTHING.

Create the context for a flower to be expected or relevant. He said that he was talking to a woman on a dating app before meeting. In that case, bring up flowers in the text conversation. Ask her what her favorite flower is. You can even tell her that you’re going to give her flowers when you meet because you like doing small gestures like that.

Basically, don’t make it a surprise on the first date. Set up the expectation that your actions will not be anything out of the ordinary for you.

Alternatively, you can buy her flowers on the spot when you pass by a flower shop together sometime in the middle of the date, like when you’re walking from a restaurant to a cafe or a park or a bar. Making it spontaneous as opposed to prepared makes it feel more casual and less formal.

2. Ease the pressure with a smaller gesture.

A full bouquet will potentially pressure her into feeling like you expect something in return. A single flower, though? Much less pressure. More likely to be taken as a positive gesture.

Some science will say that the male signaling a willingness to invest will increase female attraction across most species, including humans. However, what these research papers fail to mention is that willingness to invest only becomes an effective attraction trigger when gradually escalated from low to high, like most aspects of seduction.

The original poster did mention getting either a single flower or a bouquet. First date? Stick with the single flower.

Authenticity is key, but make it fit the context on both a micro and macro level.

Trying to misrepresent yourself by replacing any authentic expressions with more socially acceptable masks often ends up being tiresome and counterproductive. However, make sure that you channel these authentic expressions through the micro context of making it appropriate for the specific situation, and through the macro context of making it appropriate for modern dating trends.

Point 1 above was the micro thing and Point 2 above was the macro thing, by the way. Don’t worry about the jargon if that’s confusing at all.

If you like more analytical approaches to improving your chances in dating women, though, I’ve got just the thing for you.

How do you feel about flowers on the first date, or any other traditional courtship gestures like that? Tell me your thoughts in the comments!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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Photo credit: Evgeniy Smersh on Unsplash