I date really nice, good people, mostly men.
Kind, considerate, loyal.
Mensches, good partner material.
But often, there is no initial chemistry.
I try two or even more dates to see if it could ignite.
Sadly I conclude that it is doubtful that a spark could or would fire.
This is sad because as I said, they are great partner material, we have a lot in common and enjoy good conversation together. I want to feel it but don’t.
Chemistry is elusive and beyond our control, right?
Therapists might say its my childhood trauma still in the way.
Or maybe you think I am too particular.
But most people relate and believe the ‘it’ factor is either there or its not. They know what I am talking about. Its an age-old story.
We know what it is like to want badly to feel that chemistry but can’t seem to conjure it up.
Are there things you can do to help that spark, well, spark?
Speaking only for myself, I posit that confidence with a dose of flirtatiousness and some liberated courting mixed in, would help quite a bit.
Here are my top four recommendations for giving that spark some encouragement to ignite:
1)Get flirty!
2) Embrace liberated courting
3) Give your date a sense of you as a great partner
4) Build rapport, showing appropriate discretion
Let me review each point:
1)Get flirty- show your playfulness, aliveness, banter, wit and charm!
I have had too many experiences where my date is too casual and informal, too laid back and low energy. He seems to talk with me like he would his elderly next door neighbor, after running into her early in the morning on his way to pick up the newspaper, in his torn bathrobe, before he shaved, and then schmoozing about all the mundane goings-on, rather than treating me as if I could be his special someone.
Rev up the energy! Show interest! Show your playful side! Show that you are a catch!
Maybe most of us, and perhaps especially men, want to jump right to the comfortable, middle part of a relationship and have little patience for or confidence when it comes to flirting and courting. One date told me that he isn’t confident flirting so he just tries to show his strength as a dependable, stable, loyal guy. I asked him how that was working for him and he conceded not real well.
Many men feel restricted by not wanting to come off as a cad or sexist or insensitive to women’s needs to feel safe when meeting a virtual stranger. Sometimes they just feel so restricted by any movement that they give up and walk a narrow, beaten, unflirty path.
I have a good male friend who constantly reminds me that men are very, very, very fragile. They are afraid of rejection as ever, despite becoming longer in the tooth. So they try to just be casual and comfortable in part as a defense to probable rejection, when just a bit of flirtatiousness might work better, albeit put them outside of their comfort zone.
But I have seen people manage to do it. They have the confidence for the game, and the tease, and use humor in a very attractive way, lifting up the energy and trying to create a spark! Yes!
Bottom line: try it! what do you have to lose? Get your game on! Summon the fun, alive, zingy energy within!
2)Usher in liberated courting energy!
Show genuine interest in getting to know your date by listening intently, asking thoughtful questions, and giving her all your attention.
Often men start talking when they feel uncomfortable or nervous. They can get blustery or fall into mansplaining. But I am pleased to say that on a first date, men typically do show interest in getting to know me. After all, that is what they are there for. I have found they do listen and sometimes even ask follow up questions that show they are tracking what they heard. That helps with stoking the embers.
Often people seem to be waiting for me to finish talking so they can respond. This doesn’t make me feel special or like they have a lot to offer. Its not that I am not interested in getting to know their experiences. Its just there is a lot to be said for timing. Listening and showing interest trumps their need to respond with their relatable story. If they can control themselves in that way, that builds a bit of a fire. Maybe there could be a spark?
Try it! Play with the fire! Make it a special space with good energy. Build on the flirtatiousness with that courting-I-want-to-win-you-over vibe!
3) Make the time together special by showing what kind of wonderful partner you are and would be!
We are talking metacommunication here. Alot of dating has to do with the vibe and the energy between the two people. You are trying to increase the connection by making the vibe good and the energy strong. Its subtle stuff.
If you are flirty, and creating a sweet courting space, then the next step is to make your date want to be around you more, like forever, by forecasting your strengths and your style.
How do you want her to feel about you? How do you want her to perceive you? What traits do you want to project?
Determine the answers to these questions and then show, don’t tell, what you got!
4) Build rapport, showing appropriate discretion
Trust me when I say women want to know that their date is mature, has good judgment, and knows what not to say.
Do you know how to mete out information about yourself and your past? Do you know what is appropriate on a first date vs fifth date? Do you let yourself reveal your story or do you dump it all at once?
I find that most men want to tell ‘all’. They are most comfortable with a confessional approach to their past- whether it be past relationships or what they did that day. They like data dumps.
They equate their data dump with being open and honest. They feel beholden to telling the details of their story, even if they avoid touching upon their feelings or lessons learned. Its the recounting of the details that matter to them. Its part of them wanting to be accepted for being themselves, period.
Your date wants to know you are mature, appropriate and understand what discretion means.
Men might do a bit better if they showed some discretion. Rather than saying their x-wife lost interest in sex after the kids were born, say there were some sexual issues. Rather than recounting every detail of a conversation sequentially, think about what needs to be communicated and summarize. This shows awareness about how to communicate what is important and how you consider your partner.
So if you possess juicy flirting energy, and you create a great courting space, and show your interest and pay attention while revealing your strengths as a partner, then showing off your wisdom about how slow or fast to go, all makes for delicious sparks that could ignite!
Make the sparks fly so they can ignite the fire and supply the oxygen needed for the chemistry!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Blind Man on Unsplash
My advice: Don’t make the date feel like the woman is being interrogated or interviewed for a job. We spoke for weeks on a social media phone app. When we met up (and he asked me out) I realised my date was a bit anxious and I accounted for that. Flirty? I felt he’d run a mile if I were even mildly flirty. He remained a bit cagey, withholding, and inaccessible in various ways. He didn’t use any emotional words, even when talking about things that may have been difficult for him. I asked about him, listening and hearing his… Read more »