While speaking at a men’s group, I was confronted by one of the participants. I was not too far into my presentation when he wanted to know why I felt masculinity needed to be re-defined. He went further and asked if masculinity was to be re-defined, what would that even look like? His voice carried a measured level of tension. I did not immediately answer his question. Instead, I surveyed the group. I wanted to know how many other men shared this gentlemen’s concern. Several men raised their hands. It occurred to me; their collective concern was rooted in the fear of the unknown.
If we stop being men the way we were taught, then what or who are we to be?
There is no simple answer to this question. Therefore, I did not attempt to offer a shallow response. I wanted the gentlemen present at this group to know two things. First, they are not alone in their concerns. Many men would like to adopt a new approach to masculinity. However, many men are uncertain how to successfully do this. Secondly, embracing a new approach to masculinity was not going to be an overnight experience. How could it be? We did not come to this understanding of masculinity in a single lesson. Many men were lifelong students who learned how to be masculine from their fathers who had been students of their fathers – both generations of men sharing radicalized ideas of masculinity handed down to them from generations long forgotten. These lessons also came from media portrayals of what masculinity should look like (i.e. John Rambo or almost all action heroes and just about any teen movie from the 1980s through the 2000s), friends on the schoolyards throughout the years playing rough and tough games of passage to test each other’s masculinity, the workplace (the most aggressive and forceful workers were typically the ones who climbed the proverbial latter of success quicker), and so many other situations and institutions that fostered a radicalized or distorted version of masculinity.
For many men, how they understood masculinity had been fortified and reinforced deep into their psyche and the collective consciousness of men in general. Therefore, unraveling from this tangled web of misguidedness would not and should not be expected to happen forthwith. However, it must happen, if we want our men and boys to live lives where they get to experience the full range of their emotional existence. If we want them to be humane in their thoughts and behavior, we must create an environment where this type of thinking could flourish. We must de-radicalize masculinity.
I use the term De-Radicalize Masculinity because it denotes a process. A process wherein the urgency to eliminate radicalized or distorted masculine thinking from society never gets overshadowed or lost and men are given space to mature into this new way of expressing their masculine energy. What does this de-radicalized masculine man look like? We are back at the question posed by the gentlemen referenced earlier. A de-radicalized masculine man is emotionally well-rounded. He is a protector and provider but not just of material things and against harmful forces. He provides both emotional and financial support. He helps to protect his loved ones from physical and emotional peril. He is attuned to his emotional state and the emotional temperature of those around him and he is careful about the type of emotional conditions he cultivates with his words and actions. He does not use force or violence to resolve emotional crises. He processes information without using a filter of entitlement. He values and promotes the diversity of culture and gender.
The next question is, how do we achieve the goal of de-radicalizing masculinity? As mentioned above, there is no quick fix here. Distorted ideologies and worldviews typically do not surrender quietly or peacefully. Just look at the resistance we see unfolding to what many believe is a simple request, wearing a protective face mask. This is especially true for Radicalized Masculinity because it is an idea that many men have shaped their entire existence around. It is baked into the fiber of who many men think they are and who society seemingly expects them to be, and truthfully, has rewarded them for being this way. So, the approach to de-radicalize masculinity must unfold on both small and large fronts. What does this look like? Small fronts could be fatherhood and men support groups. There are many of these groups emerging. It could be argued the proliferation of these groups is due in part to the rising influence of the Me-Too Movement and the biting effect of Cancel Culture. Many men simply did not want to get in trouble anymore for verbally or physically supporting or participating in socially unacceptable behavior. They needed a safe space to discuss and process certain trigger issues away from the public eye. They wanted to learn how to be better men.
There is some validity to this assertion. I have heard men discussing the Me-Too Movement and Cancel Culture in several groups. I do think these same men would not feel as comfortable expressing their views publicly or outside these groups. I consider this a start in the right direction. It is healthy for men and fathers to have a safe space to discuss issues they are struggling with or just need to share. Like I said, radicalized masculine thinking has very deep roots. Talking about issues allows men to process their thoughts in an environment where far less harm is likely to occur. Therefore, men holding other men accountable is an essential ingredient towards de-radicalizing masculinity. Currently, I see many men who can articulate the destructive values they should abandon as men, including forcefulness, violence, entitlement, and stoicism. However, I have not yet seen a grand movement of men accumulating and accessing a new set of emotionally constructive tools in what Tony Porter calls their Man Box. The truth is, it is easy to walk out of a group or the company of someone holding you accountable and slide back into a radicalized masculine mindset. Too much temptation to think this way still saturates our society. The one thing I always remind men to do, while they are in the de-radicalizing phase, is to practice doing or saying no harm. I tell them, they may disagree or not understand everything about LGBTQ culture; but this disagreement should never, in the words of Dr. King, cause you to be violently or disrespectfully disagreeable. Do no harm should be the mantra of all those who are on their respective de-radicalizing journey.
In addition to mens’ groups, we should also, as a collective, continue to challenge Radicalized Masculinity on an institutional level, by supporting organizations and individuals dedicated to promoting equity amongst all peoples regardless of their birth circumstances. We should call it out when we hear our friends and family using or exhibiting radicalized masculine language or behavior. There may be a feeling of isolation one could experience by doing this, especially if they hang with people who have not yet started their own journey towards de-radicalizing. Therefore, it becomes more important to identify individuals and groups working to foster this new version of masculinity. There are books by authors such as Dr. Frank Pittman, bell hooks, Devon Franklin, Mark Greene, Jason Wilson, Terrence Real, and many others who can help in the de-radicalizing process. The groups, the books all become like SCUBA gear. Even though you may still be in radicalized waters, you’ll be protected because you are covered in a new mindset. A new way of looking at the world. A De-Radicalized Masculine Man.
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Mark Winkler is an author and motivational speaker. His book, ‘My Daughter’s Keeper’, is the compelling story of a father who risked everything to remain in his daughter’s life.
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