They met through mutual friends. He had a girlfriend, she had a boyfriend. He was 19, she was still in high school. He liked fast cars, and she earned straight A’s.
In their young minds, it was love at first site. They left their significant others behind with the screeching of tires and indifference.
You’re not far off if this reminds you of the John Mellencamp song ‘Jack and Diane’. They were in their own world and nothing else mattered.
‘Frank and Fernanda’ saw each other every day. She was smitten by his looks and the attention he doted on her. She began to cut classes and meet up with him in the afternoons. He didn’t have a job, he flipped used cars for a living. They had endless hours and days together.
She thought it was because he loved her too much to miss a day of seeing her. As it was her first relationship and her first experience with love, Fernanda began to see this as a ‘shout-from-the-rooftops’ unique type of love, that only they possessed.
Gradually she distanced herself from most of her friends under the daily proclamations of their supposed negative impact on her.
Fernanda’s mom began noticing the red flags but her warnings went unheeded.
Endless flowers, gifts and ‘I Love You’s’ swept her into a cyclone of love bombing.
No other girl could compare. He would remind her how much he loved her and couldn’t live without her daily. He wanted to spend every waking moment with her.
Fernanda’s mother was worried as much as he praised her, he would simultaneously and ruthlessly demean other women in conversation. They were all h*es, b*tches and sl*ts.
He put Fernanda on a pedestal and all she could see for miles were exclusive visions of hearts and flowers.
…
It was a subtle start at first, casual insults toward her family followed by constant assertions of how he knew what was best for her. His love-bombing was blinding her to full dependence.
The devaluation period begins.
- Praises followed by Insults
- Withdrawal of affection as a weapon
- Painful emotional abuse such as name-calling and threats to leave
- Eventual control over every aspect of their life
- Possible physical abuse
- Attacking their self-esteem until there is only a sliver of what once existed
Love bombing 101
The love bomber will create a sense of dependence on their partner. The result is an all-consuming need for acceptance and the same intensity of love she once felt from him. Fernanda would do anything to catch a glimpse of the man she quickly fell in love with.
Psychology Today explains that love bombing is intended to make their partner feel ‘overwhelmed’ and believe they’ve found a ‘true connection’ with their new love interest.
More signs of love bombing
- Sweeping someone off their feet to the point that it seems they’re in a fairytale.
- Treating their partner’s family like royalty
- Very early declarations of the words ‘love’ and ‘soul mate’ such as within a few weeks of meeting one another
- Constant communication
- Expensive gifts and/or trips
Something to keep in mind however is love bombing does not always include expensive or extravagant gifts. An overflowing of compliments and a smothering amount of time together referred to as idealization is a solid example of love bombing as well.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline states love bombing as a warning of an unhealthy relationship. USA Today wastes no time in terming love bombing as emotional manipulation. They quote psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula that it’s “too much too fast”. The natural progression of a relationship is missing.
A recent Netflix series on the true story of Dr. Paolo Macchiarini titled ‘Bad Surgeon’ is a prime example of love bombing. It’s the story of a fraudulent doctor performing experimental surgeries.
His love interest stated, “He had flown me all over the world. All these magical trips to all these beautiful places”.
The fairytale romance continued with champagne and personal yacht excursions. He had her emotions spinning out of control to the point where she could not think clearly. Macchiarini spun such a vast web of deceit he had her believe his good friend the Pope agreed to marry them at his private residence in Italy.
The woman wasn’t naive, she was a celebrated news journalist. She bought into his lies that her fiance was the personal doctor of Barack Obama and the Clintons. She believed he belonged to an underground secret network of doctors.
It can be difficult to distinguish the difference between new relationship excitement and love bombing. If it seems too fast, too soon and too much and you feel smothered by affection, take a step back and look at the signs. Medical News Today suggests setting healthy boundaries and consulting a professional with any concerns.
In summary, love is great at the beginning, but it should allow space and time for feelings to develop organically. Love should continue throughout the relationship with support and understanding and with encouragement of independence and personal boundaries.
In summary, love bombing is nothing more than smoke and mirrors. Peer through the smoke to see what lurks beneath the surface. It can save you time and heartache.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Kirill Balobanov on Unsplash
