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When James Palmer’s therapist insisted that he had to come out to his family before he could progress in any area of his life, he was adamantly opposed, thinking such news would destroy his father. He eventually relented and within a year, sat his parents down in their Atlanta home and read them a seven-page letter explaining who he truly was. His father crumpled up the letter, wailed in disbelief, and demanded that his gay identity was never to be discussed again.
Life moved on and James moved to New York City and lived his best gay life – going out, dating, even singing with the New York City Gay Men’s Chorus – all the while respecting his father’s wishes to not talk about his personal life. Years later, on a visit back home to Atlanta, James’s dad randomly brought up a program he watched on PBS about the Gay Men’s Chorus – a remark he interpreted as a subtle evolution in his father’s stance and an acknowledgement of who James really was. Later in 2015 when his father was bedridden and weakened with a stroke, his father chose James to make his medical decisions – a final indication of his love and trust for his son.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
0:00
[Music]
0:00
foreign
0:05
hi I’m James Palmer I’m from Atlanta
0:07
Georgia in my mid-20s I reached out to a
0:12
therapist because I was having some
0:14
challenges with the relationship I was
0:16
in and I was seeking her guidance and
0:20
help on day one upon sitting down with
0:23
her she laid down the gauntlet so to
0:26
speak she made clear to me that before I
0:29
could progress in any other area of my
0:33
life including relationships that I
0:34
needed to come out to my dad my reaction
0:37
was hell no that I was prepared to go to
0:41
my grave without my dad knowing because
0:43
I felt like it would utterly destroy him
0:45
I eventually
0:47
acquiesced and I realized that coming
0:50
out to my dad was an important step to
0:53
take so that I could claim to to to live
0:57
claim to be the the man that I wanted to
1:00
be in my life so after working with this
1:03
therapist for a year and working with a
1:07
p flag local P flag organization during
1:10
that time
1:11
I decided it was time to to come out to
1:15
Dad I arranged to sit down with my
1:18
parents in their Suburban Atlanta home
1:20
after their church service on this
1:23
particular Sunday and we were gathered
1:25
in the den
1:27
um each of them in their favorite chairs
1:29
and me on on the couch with shaking
1:31
hands
1:33
um I handed them each a copy of a seven
1:36
page letter that I had so carefully uh
1:39
crafted my mom I recall interjected and
1:42
said without even looking at the letter
1:45
said just tell us tell us what you need
1:47
to tell us and the whole time my dad
1:50
had this bewildered confused look on his
1:53
face as if what in the hell is going on
1:56
in this room and I can recall my dad
1:58
sitting in his recliner
2:01
um and it wasn’t until page two of this
2:03
letter
2:05
um that I announced that I was gay and
2:08
as he turned to page two and read that I
2:12
can remember so vividly to this day he
2:14
took the letter
2:16
um in his left hand and he crunched it
2:19
in his hand brought it to his Temple and
2:22
he had turned beat red and
2:26
he was clearly in utter Agony he wasn’t
2:30
crying at that time there was there was
2:32
some
2:33
light wailing
2:35
um as he clinched this letter to his
2:37
Temple and he
2:41
recovered briefly got up and walked out
2:44
of the room and I was destroyed because
2:48
I felt like I had destroyed this very
2:52
proud man so two weeks later I very
2:55
unexpectedly got a phone call from my
2:58
dad
2:59
and very succinctly he told me
3:03
that he loved me
3:06
but that he never wanted to speak about
3:09
my sexuality again after the phone call
3:12
my my life moved forward
3:14
I eventually left Georgia I moved to New
3:18
York City in 2003 and really dove into
3:22
to living my best gay life I joined the
3:26
New York City gay men’s course soon
3:27
after arriving in New York I was in
3:30
relationships I was really having all
3:34
the adventures that life in New York can
3:36
afford and I was maintaining contact
3:39
with my dad but there wasn’t in honor of
3:42
his wish to not really know about
3:45
aspects of my my sexuality and my true
3:48
identity I didn’t push the envelope and
3:50
I didn’t go out of my way to share too
3:53
many details with him around 2009 I was
3:56
back south visiting with my my dad
3:59
and as I was getting ready to leave this
4:02
particular afternoon I had my bags
4:04
packed they were by the front door more
4:06
of of my parents home
4:09
literally getting ready to go out the
4:11
front door and my dad
4:12
very awkwardly and sheepishly pulled me
4:16
aside
4:17
into the kitchen and shared with me that
4:21
he had just recently seen
4:25
something about the New York City gay
4:27
men’s chorus on PBS he was clearly very
4:29
nervous to even broach the subject of
4:33
the gaiman’s course I was so totally
4:36
blown away that he had gone there and I
4:38
didn’t know how to respond but I can
4:41
remember this sense of
4:44
of
4:46
of Joy even that my dad had finally been
4:50
able to acknowledge
4:54
part of my life and a part of who I who
4:56
I am
4:59
it was it was a pretty profound moment
5:01
we left for the airport thereafter and I
5:04
I don’t remember a whole lot thereafter
5:07
my life continued for six years so for
5:11
many years I had thought that it was
5:15
Paramount that I before my dad died that
5:18
I would be able to sit with him and to
5:20
have a conversation and to really hash
5:22
out
5:24
my sexuality and my identity as if to
5:27
pick up where we left off with that
5:29
phone call so many years before and um
5:32
unfortunately though
5:33
um I was not able to do that around 2015
5:35
I got the call that my dad had had a
5:38
stroke and I rushed back south uh to be
5:41
to be with my dad it was um a Late July
5:44
afternoon and we were all gathered in my
5:47
father’s hospital room it was my mom
5:51
my brother and his wife my dad’s sister
5:56
Physicians and my dad was
6:00
losing the ability to talk and to
6:03
communicate and his physician asked him
6:07
pointedly who he wanted to make Health
6:09
Care decisions for himself
6:11
and my dad
6:15
with much weakness raised his hands his
6:18
hand and pointed to me I was at the very
6:20
end of the bed opposite of him I can
6:23
remember being
6:26
totally blown away as if my dad was
6:30
telling me that I was the one that he
6:33
trusted
6:35
and loved and it was a moment of
6:40
Reckoning for me any shame that I may
6:43
have had or he may have had around my
6:45
sexuality
6:47
had evaporated and that he he did indeed
6:50
love me and trusted me I think that my
6:53
takeaway even from my own story was that
6:58
no matter the outcome of telling my dad
7:01
coming out to him no matter the outcome
7:03
that it was important for me to come out
7:05
for myself that it was important for me
7:09
to tell my story and to be
7:12
who who I am to to them to be visible to
7:15
them to be known to them
7:36
thank you
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
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Photo credit: iStock