Rick Sweeney shares how men’s gatherings became an important part of his life.
When I turned 50, things in my life seemed fairly normal. I had been married almost 30 years and had three growing boys. My wife was my best friend and always there for me. My boys were getting older and building their own lives. To keep me occupied I had my work, kid’s soccer games, handyman projects, and helping my parents. This didn’t leave much time for my own needs. Then things got complicated. My dad was fighting colon cancer and the prognosis was getting pretty grim.
Even though I was surrounded by family and always on the go, I found myself wanting for male friendships. I lacked someone I could talk with, share with, and simply call a friend. There was something missing. With the help of Google I set out on my search; I wanted to find a group or organization to join that would help me find a way to make friends and meet other men.
I managed to stumble upon a web site for a group called the Massachusetts Men’s Gathering (MMG). The site described their weekend retreats, and had lots of pictures of men sharing various sorts of fun. They made it sound intriguing because there was no preset agenda or topics, there was a basic framework and the men who attend would set the content of the weekend. The rest just happened. I was intrigued, but skeptical. I fired off an email asking for more info, and received a very pleasant and reassuring reply. It sounded like a good fit for me, but was this what I really needed?
After summoning a lot of courage, and talking it over with my wife, I sent in my registration and check for the next weekend gathering. Still nervous, I was ready to bail if only I was given a sign. A few weeks before the gathering my dad got the worst news possible, there was nothing more that could be done for his cancer. He was going on hospice care. That was my sign!
I sat down with my dad, and I told him that I would cancel my plans for the gathering, and stay home to help him out. He became very emotional, and told me that he felt it was more important to take care of myself. He somehow knew that the experience was something I needed. He insisted that I go. I stopped looking for signs that I should stay home. The Friday of the weekend rolled around, and I packed up my stuff and headed out. With my fears and insecurity keeping close watch, I felt like I was walking into a den of wolves, a group of men who knew what it was like to be masculine and tough. That wasn’t me at all. I was going to be alone among strangers, and I was WAY out of my comfort zone.
As I walked into the dining hall at the campground, I was immediately greeted by a man I had never met who wanted to hug me. Hugging? I was ready to bolt out the door and head home! Instead, I gathered up what little courage I brought along and I stuck out my hand for a firm handshake. Soon I had settled in, and melded into the group. I met another first timer. It was nice that I wasn’t the only new guy. At the opening circle we were asked to say who we were, where we came from, and why we were there. I told my story and talked about my dad and his impending death. I was there to honor my dad and all that he meant to me. As the weekend progressed, I participated in workshops, enjoyed the talent show, and had some great meals. The unexpected part was the many conversations I had with other men who stepped up and wanted to share their stories of death and dying to help comfort me. For those men, I am eternally grateful.
By the closing circle I finally understood the value of a good hug, and why that one guy was so eager to hug me at the door. Over the weekend I got to know him better, and I found that he is a good man with a heart of gold. There were men there from all walks of life. Some were gay, some were straight, others were somewhere in the middle. There were engineers, artists, singers, laborers, and thinkers. During the weekend, none of that mattered. We were all men and we were all there for the same reasons. I gave many of them a goodbye hug.
I went home in great spirits, told my dad all about it, and a few weeks later he passed away.
I have attended the twice yearly gathering weekends fourteen times now, and each time has been more powerful than the last. There are workshops offered at this and most gatherings, all run by the men attending the weekend. The topics of the workshops can vary from the very serious to the lighthearted. There have been workshops on caring for elder parents, divorce, spirituality, improvisational comedy, stretching, yoga, massage, body image, sexuality, and hypnosis. This is a very short list of the workshops that I have seen presented. Any man attending can offer a workshop, it’s a great way to open a dialog on a topic you are interested in or one in which you have some expertise. No two gatherings are ever the same!
I have come to consider a number of the regular men as brothers, and look forward to seeing them twice a year. Since that first gathering they have helped me cope with my dad’s death, my youngest son’s spiral into drugs and alcohol abuse, my own near-death experience, and the foster care and subsequent adoption of my youngest son’s baby (my grandchild and now daughter). If I am not at the weekend gathering, they are only a phone call or email away. Through their encouragement I have also found a local men’s group to join. I finally know what it is like to have strong and caring men in my life as friends and brothers.
The Massachusetts Men’s Gathering has become like a second home to me. As I started growing more into the experience, I opened up and volunteered to help out. I soon became the web guy for the group, and was later asked to join the Organizing Committee which plans the weekend gatherings. Now the work that goes into preparing for the weekend is as therapeutic as the weekend itself.
Men’s gatherings help you get in touch with your masculine side. They help you to explore what it is to be a man in the 21st century. They enrich those who simply hunger for friendships and brothers. If this intrigues you, then I strongly encourage you to attend a men’s gathering in your area. They are easier to find than you might think. Every state in New England has a Men’s Gathering, and they are spread all across the US. Find your local gathering and give them a try. You will find yourself among friends.
Check out the Massachusetts Men’s Gathering web site, and from there follow links till you find a local gathering. Don’t rule out Massachusetts if you are far away, there are guys who come regularly from as far away as Quebec and Philadelphia!
photo courtesy of the author
Illness & death can be very debilatating. By connecting with other men you have given yourself a positive experience to be able to overcome any negativity. Good to see you in a good spot.