Get Unstuck: An Easy Approach to Transitioning Your Attachment Style

Ah, what a great feeling to have reached the new year.

The new year comes with resolutions and promises we make for ourselves to abide by.

Some stick and some fail, unfortunately.

One that cannot fail is learning how to transition from your current attachment style to a secure style.

Similar to any transition we make, it comes with its challenges. Some days, you will feel motivated and as if nothing can stop you. On other days, you will feel like you can’t buy a win.

I have been in your shoes before.

You feel empowered because you are making strides on your journey, and then you get derailed by an event that takes you through an emotional rollercoaster.

I am here with an important message for you; don’t panic.

It is all part of the process.

You are going through a behavioral realignment and creating a change from a mental process that has stuck with you your entire life.

I also understand it can be more complex when transitioning while navigating a relationship.

I am here to teach you how to restructure your approach and navigate this journey as efficiently as possible.

I like to warn my readers I don’t write that pat on the back, feel-good crap. We are here on the attack.

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Day 1

The first agenda item on the list is remembering that there has to be a day 1.

I like to use the metaphor, but you can’t skip the hike to get to the mountain top.

A feeling of shame comes with creating a change in your life. You feel like there are people well ahead of you and that a period of your life was underwhelming.

The key to any transition in your life is not viewing yourself in your current or past state.

You must imagine yourself at the mountaintop but focus on the path forward.

Ok, so let’s skip the cute talk and get to the core of what day 1 means.

Looking at our behaviors and wanting to create change begins with stripping ourselves of the ego and admitting that our character has room for growth.

Attachment styles develop when we are young and build through our juvenile stage, but they are most prevalent on display in adulthood.

The shame we feel is multifaceted.

You think about the relationships in your life that have turned sour because you did not have the knowledge to recognize that your attachment style was at the core of the behavioral differences you experienced.
You feel like your parents or primary caretaker did not serve you well, and you are a product of their mistakes.

I have to be honest with you. While both statements might have truths, it is up to you to transition into adulthood.

I am not minimizing your trauma, but look in the mirror and tell yourself, “Today is day 1.” I mean that.

The snowball

The snowball effect of letting go of your ego is allowing yourself to have uncomfortable conversations with yourself and your partner.

No, this is not easy.

It involves layers of work:

If you’re transitioning independently
List the emotional triggers (attachment style trigger articles at the end of the article) that align closest with events that cause you to shut down.
Write out the ideal response you would like to have if the situation arose again.
Search what behaviors or characteristics you need to possess to have that response.

It sounds simple, but let me give you a high-level example.

As a former dismissive-avoidant, I would shut down when approached with someone’s feelings because I felt like I was solely responsible.

My ideal response turned to hearing what someone had to say, acknowledging their feelings, taking the information, processing it, and shortening the time it took me to respond.

I had to learn that sharing feelings wasn’t offloading blame. Expressing your feelings is powerful because it gives your internal thoughts an external voice.

I learned that I became responsible for someone’s pain when I shut them out when the correct behavior was to listen and hear their words without curating a response.

If you are transitioning with a partner
Ask your partner about their needs and express yours. The key is to present feelings as beneficial to the relationship.
Don’t frame your needs as a deficiency in your partner, but propose them to show how it helps you show up as your best self.
Have a weekly or bi-weekly check-in where you show gratitude for improvements you’ve seen.

It sounds simple, but let me give you a high-level example using the same scenario above.

I approached a past partner with this method, and the solution for me to hear her express her feelings was to give me a heads-up.

A text along the lines of “Hey, can we talk about (insert event) I am feeling (insert feeling).

It took the weight off the situation because I had time to process and show up as my best self for the conversation while she felt she could express herself without fear of rejection.

In our weekly meeting, we could talk about the support we felt from the other person because we were patient with each other.

It will feel robotic at first. You have to keep the momentum alive.

Marathon

The last point is something you cannot skip over.

I speak to clients working independently or in their relationship and hear a quick expectation of change.

Transitioning your attachment style is not something that takes days to weeks. The change occurs in months to years.

I understand being patient is not an easy task.

I write for people who are actively doing the work to create change.

When working with someone to create change, go back to bullet one and remember we cannot skip to the mountaintop.

Have you gone on a hike before?

It has its ups and downs.

Sometimes, the beginning of the hike is cold, and you’re tired.

Sometimes, you turn a corner and see a magical view you didn’t expect to see.

You are going to go through these moments with yourself and your partner.

Be patient. The mountain top is not as far as you think.

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Dismissive avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style

Fearful avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style

Anxious: Triggers, Dating this attachment style

Do you have a question or a story you want to share with me? Reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session. Here. or email me at [email protected]

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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