Ghosted: The Brutal Lesson I Learn About Closure

People often know the difference when something is right or wrong, there are just things that don’t need much explanation or excuses. As humans we are bound to make mistakes and hurt other people, no one could say they haven’t hurt anybody and wish they do things differently.

I always learn that before talking about someone we should start talking about ourselves, so

I hurt a lot of people too.

Of course, I have my side of the story and they had theirs, but there’s something I take pride in, and that is, if I hurt someone and apologize, or if things end badly enough for us not to talk again. I’ll never do things to get their attention and confuse their feelings once again.

That’s when I draw the line, I might have tried so hard to keep someone in my life, or maybe I hurt someone that ended up going away but once I decided to move forward there’s no turning back for me, and it’s a shame some people don’t want to have you but at the same time can’t seem to let you go.

The Way People Leave Your Life Reveals Their Feelings

First impressions matter but last impressions are the ones we stick with. I learned this the hard way when someone ghosted me after six months of dating.

This person erased every good memory I had of him in my mind because of the way he decided to end things. It is true what they say that we probably always remember the bad things more than the good ones, but how could I excuse ghosting after dating for half a year?

To summarize what happened he was an avoidant, we were having a discussion, or more than that I was expressing how I felt and he just decided that day that he wouldn’t reply to my message, not that day, not ever again.

Some might say that maybe I overwhelmed him but that’s why communication exists, it’s just a matter of saying, ‘Hey, I don’t feel capable of having this conversation right now; maybe we could talk in a few days.’ That’s all it would have taken.

All of a sudden, we weren’t part of each other’s life. Without a warning, a goodbye, a closure, anything, just a seeing message.

Naturally, it was a hard pill to swallow, what could I possibly have done so wrong.” after investing so much time and feelings in someone, he wasn’t even capable of ending things with me decently, I didn’t even deserve a ‘’This isn’t working out conversation’’ and you could see how that can drive someone insane, not knowing what they did wrong after been so caught up on someone who apparently likes them too.

I was hurt, but not so hurt that I couldn’t see why I shouldn’t excuse him. He didn’t care for me the way I did for him. That simple act that probably was liberating for him, not taking responsibility for having a conversation told me more about him than the year I spent meeting him.

Once I think of him I go immediately to that day, me waiting for an answer, he never responding and honestly, I know we have some great times together, and maybe deep in his core he’s a good guy who had communication issues but that seems a little hard to understand when you are on the other side of the story.

The Need for Closure

At first, I wanted answers. I wanted to know why he left without a word and I think that’s why people make the mistake of asking for closure.

It was easier to fall into a rabbit hole in this situation, maybe text him again to see if he felt in the spirit of answering me the other day, or just saying how I need it to close this chapter with a conversation, how I need it to understand why he left without any reason given.

Closure is not always an honest conversation, closure often comes from within. I have been in situations where a goodbye was said and others not a word like this one. Both of them are equally close.

Certainly, if you have the opportunity to have an honest conversation, that’s ideal, that does help people with their transition of moving forward but if not, don’t punish yourself by looking for alternatives, just accept the way things happen.

I figure if he wanted to at least have an amicable breakup he would answer, maybe not on the same date, maybe a week later or a month later, I would forgive him if maybe later he would have tried to reach out and explain himself, not forgive him to be together but to at least to not have this disappointed image that I have of him.

Since there was no answer that day or any day after, that’s what my closure. Never reached out to him again, and never did anything to have his attention, we also had friends in common which I didn’t ask for him or tried to be in places he might be.

I just did the same thing he did, pretending that no one of that happened.

Is guilt tripping him to get my attention or he’s just a man

In the course of last year, a few months after he ghosted me, I noticed he still had me as a close friend on Instagram, even though he rarely posted. It made me wonder: was it guilt, laziness, or something else?

I never post anything with the purpose of him seeing it, I even remove him from my close friends. So I was a little bit surprised when I saw I was one of his close friends, figured out maybe he just forgot to erase me, the man doesn’t pay attention to these things.”

I looked at his story, hoping he would notice my name in his viewers and realize he had forgotten to remove me from his close friends list. But that didn’t happen

Months went by and I was still his close friend. On the least expected day, I would go on my Instagram and find that green circle on his story to remind me that he was still there.

I moved past it; I wasnot interested in this man, but I couldn’t help wondering

Why I am still one of his close friends?

Maybe he feels guilty and wants to keep a small connection with me, knowing that I still see his stories. Perhaps that makes him feel better about himself.

Does he think that keeping me as a close friend somehow makes up for what happened? or perhaps he’s just being selfish and wants to know that I occasionally see his posts, just so he can feel acknowledged?

I think the truth is he’s just like any other man, nothing special. He’s probably too lazy to remove me from his close friends list, and he doesn’t even care that I’m still there. After a year, he might not have even noticed it.

As much as I want to say it doesn’t matter, this situation still triggers questions in my mind that shouldn’t be there. I genuinely thought I had forgotten about him, and I could pass him on the street without any reaction. But the question of why he still had me as a close friend kept popping up, so I did what I should have done the day he disappeared from my life

I mute him

If you’re not interested in someone’s life but don’t want to unfollow them because it might cause drama or you’re not ready for that step, just mute them instead

By muting him, he immediately disappeared from my mind and my Instagram feed. Now, I can honestly say I don’t know what’s going on in his life, and I hope he doesn’t know what’s going on in mine. I respect how he chose to leave things, and I honor that by moving on.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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