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Though the term is relatively new, the practice is as old as technology. I have ghosted and been ghosted several times during adulthood. With the flick of a switch on your phone, you can block contacts. You can delete messages and ignore calls without a second thought. You can block people on Facebook, never to see their name in comment threads or posts again. It can feel more powerful than an argument and far less stressful than confrontation. Ghosting is as simple as ignoring someone, though the reasons go much deeper.
The first time I was ghosted, was in the early 2000s when AIM was all the rage. I was quickly growing into myself and turned to the popularizing internet to make connections with others. And that I did. I made online relationships with others quickly, and had regular evenings of multiple chat windows open, getting to know these strangers. Thankfully, for my personal safety and sanity, it never went beyond that. But, real emotions were felt, connections and understanding were there, just like any real-life relationship with another human harbors. Just as quickly as they began, they also ended. And being a pretty quiet and private person, I had no one to talk to about this secret part of my life.
The first time I ghosted someone was a girlfriend that dumped me, after she came home drunk from a dinner date with her boss on the night I moved to Dallas, and out of monetary and housing necessity, we were roommates for a few awkward and miserable months. She gifted me with lessons of trust and personal responsibility. Just a month prior to our breakup, I paid for a trip to Hawaii with the agreement she’d pay me back for her half. Twelve years later, I’ve not seen a dime of it.
Another friend and I had an imbalanced friendship for many years. I’m keenly aware of life’s imbalances and beautiful imperfections, however, friendships and relationships require give and take on both parts for them to work. Mutual respect, honesty, shared interests, activities, and conversation are components of healthy friendships. I have social stamina and a resilient nature, but after a very long run of patience and continued rejection, my f*cks have all been given and I got to the point of no more to give.
Ghosting is the more extreme form and acceptable term for the less sensitive term: no more f*cks to give.
While it is wrong and hurtful to the person that is ghosted, it’s a last resort after many attempts of polite interaction and kindness being taken for weakness, at least in my experience. There’s a level of respect and consideration to be maintained in relationships of any kind, and once that’s been exhausted, for me at least, it’s too far gone, all the fucks have been given and there’s nothing left to offer outside of a small range of indifference. I’ve recently come to realize this is a very large fault within myself, as it’s a pattern and an unfair one to others.
I have been ghosted a few times in my life, and have come to accept it as part of growing up, once the lessons are learned from that experience. We are in each other’s life for a reason or a season, and things don’t always end in an abrupt bang with proper closure and resolution. The mystery remains of what happened, did I do something wrong or offensive, what’s wrong with me, but gratitude and acceptance of what is and what was are the keys to moving on without dwelling on the past.
Have you ghosted anyone? Have you been ghosted? What was your relationship like with the person before it happened? Do you feel it was a necessity, a last resort because you weren’t being heard?
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Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash