Ghosts of the Past

People say we should love ourselves first and then we will be ready to welcome someone into our hearts. Others believe there is only a right person and a right time.

I call it bullshit.

You must search for love and for someone. No one will appear at your doorstep or say “Hi, I think you’re gorgeous” while you’re waiting for the bus. That would be creepy.

The things is… you need to be selective. Exhaustingly selective. Don’t try to pick the best of the best: first, you need to acknowledge what you don’t like and what you won’t tolerate. Instead of looking for the right person, try to look for the least potential wrong person.

And, just like that (my apologies for the Carrie’s reference), you will get a chance to meet someone that can become the right one for you at the right time.

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I wrote a whole chapter on my nightly jornal about the delusional and horrendous date with D. but I burned it — in one of my sporadic moments of trying to do some witchy cool things. Don’t get me wrong: he was such a gentleman (paying for an overpriced dinner and getting me expensive cocktails) while acting like a blue peacock, spreading its feathers in an ridiculous attempt to win me over. Again. After our breakup, three years ago.

I couldn’t care less about his elite career, millionaire salary or how many muscles had grown in his arms (maybe just a little) since we were together back then.

Yes, he broke my heart by leaving me for a fancy lifestyle and threw the ashes of my love and grief to the wind. However, I never expected him to come back. But statistically I never had one who didn’t.

Three years ago, after D., I decided to chose easiness and certainty because I had just lost hope in love. And that was possibly the most wrong and stupid rational decision I had ever made.

Pro-tip number 1: if you don’t feel it in your stomach, don’t go for it. I get it: sometimes it’s hard to understand if it’s butterflies or anxiety, but let’s leave it for a next chapter.

My point is, if someone love-bombs you, makes you feel like the most beautiful queen alive, run. If someone tries to make you feel sorry for them by always being a victim of the world, run. If all someone wants to do is good deeds and to thank God (theatrically, I mean) every morning, run. If someone always agrees with you while being a ‘vanilla’ type of person that needs your command in order to function, run and don’t look back. You might be thinking “But this is all I want” — believe me, you don’t. But I won’t even write about him, J., the wrongest story of my booklife.

It’s just too embarassing.

Pro-tip number 2: desperation only brings embarassment.

Back to Mr. D.: I never got my revenge on him. I just removed myself from his life when he went away, giving the only thing I got left was my dignity and that’s what I held on too. But I needed that revenge in order to move one. He had made me believe in love and feel appreciated while knowing he wouldn’t be around for me much longer. He was never honest or real — not with me, not with himself.

In an unexpected turn of events, he did come back. Now, he can’t go a day without sending a good-morning text — even when he doesn’t get a reply back. He can’t go a week without asking me out — despite the fact he gets dumped everytime. He did profess his feelings for me but, even though he loves me, he’s too addicted to money and power.

Truth is, I wouldn’t give him a second chance even if I did feel like it. The best thing it could happen was for me to not feel a single thing for him anymore. Just pity.

All the love I once gave him found its way back to me — effortlessly, unintentionally and with a sweet taste of poetic justice.

When you are love itself, revenge becomes overrated.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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