Good Men I Have Known, Befriended, and Loved

I have known, and know, many good men. Not all men, because I’ve also been at school with, worked with, dated, and married those who don’t fit the good men category.

Still, I’ve personally known more good men than bad ones.

While anecdotal, I feel my experience with good men needs to be told.

One of the first was my best guy friend, Larry Fortner. We grew up living on the same street in a small town. His church forbade dancing, but I taught him how to dance in my living room when we were teens. Years later, when I was pregnant and unmarried, he offered to marry me. This was after he had already raised his own two children from his marriage after his wife left them and him.

I regret not marrying him. However, he had commitments to his family back home in our small town, and I would never go back there to live.

My next best guy friend was Terrence Needom. We met in college when he was an undergraduate and I was in the Masters program for counseling. He was closeted at the time. We bonded when I asked him, for a mutual friend, if he was gay. He said yes, and that he’d never told anyone else.

We became running buddies, confidantes, besties and family. He was my son’s godfather, and the most consistent male in my son’s life. He took care of his grandmother in her final years, and was a companion to his mother and to me. Being a good man didn’t protect him from his own trauma and substance abuse. We lost him in 2024. He will always be in my heart.

Men from my youth

I grew up with good men. My dad can’t claim that category, but even he had some good qualities he passed on to me. Other men in my small town church, which was and is liberal and progressive, showed me what a deeply good man can be. Rollins Roberts, a physically small man with a huge heart, who raised five children and still took us under his wing while leading youth groups.

Claude McDonald, the minister, who preached only of how to live like Christ, never of hell or judgement. Bill Sawyer, who led the choir where I sang. Rollins Woodall, whose eyes were bright and caring as he taught us about the Bible, but not from a restrictive or literal viewpoint, but from a liberating and loving one.

My own uncle, Hallie Chastain, a loving, funny man, who was faithful to his wife, was a constant guide to his three boys, and loved us as well.

My other uncle, Lonnie Beavers, who taught me how to save by giving me quarters to put in my piggy bank every time he visited. A big, craggy, gentle man who rehabilitated injured animals on his oil lease — foxes, opossums, owls, and more. He and his family lived extremely simply, but he was the only one in my family to die a millionaire. He put away a lot of quarters.

Good men I’ve met in person on this platform

On this platform alone, I’ve met and come to be friends, albeit long distance, with good men. I met three of them at a writers’ retreat in 2023.

I’ve personally known more good men than bad ones

Andrew Rodwin is one of the best men I know. He is highly intelligent, with an equally developed sense of humor. He is respectful, entertaining, and inspiring. He has encouraged and improved my writing. We have a running joke where he tries to explain something technological to me by starting with “All you have to do is…” He may be a creative, like me, but he’s also a software engineer, and therefore speaks a foreign language where I’m concerned.

The joke is gentle, and I started it. He is not making fun of me. In fact, as an editor, he is adamant about us writers not punching down. Only up.

Gary Chapin was one of our literary threesome, with me and Andrew, at the writers’ retreat. He and Andrew endeared themselves to me by claiming they thought I was Gen X. More than surface though, Gary is a loyal friend. A gentleman and a scholar.

Gary is good to his wife and daughters, and promotes his daughter’s writing. He sings folk songs and plays the accordion. While that part doesn’t automatically make him a good man, it certainly enhances the image of one. He is an educator who cares, and is on a mission to improve education around the country. I’m proud to call him my friend.

William Hagans, whose claim to fame on this platform is being married to my friend Toni Crowe, also attended the writers’ retreat, accompanying Toni. While there, though, he pitched in to help with the technology, took photos, and supported us all in our writing.

As you might expect, he and Andrew Rodwin nerd bonded over technology, which helped Gary Chapin with his presentations. No competitiveness here, simply good guy camaraderie. Bill also welcomed me into his and Toni’s home when I visited, and (mostly) cheerfully chauffeured us all around Tampa and to the beaches, packing and hauling all our beach “necessities” without complaint.

I met Hogan Torah in Los Angeles while visiting my son. Hogan has a checkered past, but he is completely transparent about it. Logan, Hogan’s originator, is a good man, who supports my writing and that of his lady friend, Gaby Rogut. He talked me through my grief and confusion when my friend Terrence Needom died of an overdose. Hogan likes to portray a tough exterior, and is a Pro Wrestling aficionado, but I have seen his tender side.

Michael Jones is a personal friend of mine. He is a good father and husband, and was a good educator and martial arts teacher before he retired. He has been there for me through bad boyfriends, through tears, and in good times, with poems, music, and making me laugh. I miss him since I moved to Santa Fe.

Good men on this platform I have yet to meet in person

There are other good men on this platform who, if I can’t vouch for them from meeting them personally, are consistent in their ally-ship with women, and who make me feel safe and cared for when I comment on their writing and when they read mine. Here is a list, which I will add to from time to time:

Dr. Leo Croft. Where to start. He had me when he called me “friend”. Seriously, he pulls no punches when calling out the atrocities of this administration, and wherever he sees racism and misogyny. He is a Behavioral Specialist, who sees beneath the surface and the deflections of those who willingly harm others.

Arpad Nagy, with whom I have played online scrabble, and had civil and enlightening arguments. He is a good father who is supportive of his child in all the best ways.

Ed Robson, PhD, MFA, who sent me a treasured book about New Mexico when I moved to Santa Fe. A real book, not an ebook. He is a good friend to women writers here.

Michael M. Brownstein, who is an editor for New Choices, and often confers with me while at one of his child’s events. He’s a good dad, and an excellent editor.

Joe Duncan mentored me, and taught me to write with vulnerability. He writes with vulnerability and honesty, and is transparent about and with his relationship. He is a strong voice for women and their choices.

Herbert Dyer, Jr., who also edits for New Choices, and writes strongly and eloquently for human and civil rights, my own passions.

LGWare, The Black Lens, who is an educator and leader of young minds. He consistently leads his students, and us, toward understanding the human condition, the harsh effects of racism, and encourages action for good.

Ted Czukor, who took good care of his wife during her life and through the end. We both believe in reincarnation, and seeing the world through spiritual eyes. He is a regular supporter of my work.

James Finn, who adopted a foster son with his partner, fought and continues to fight for LGBTQIA rights, and has masterfully edited and encouraged me as a writer.

Jim Mercurio is one of the best. He generously offers help with screenwriting, along with his articles that help those of us who write screenplays. He attended my seminar on countering the negative voices in our heads, and encouraging our free inner child, to allow us to write freely. He expressed to me how deeply moved he was, which deeply moved me.

There are more good men

I now see this needs to be a series. Not just for listing and describing all the other good men I know, but also for delving into how patriarchy affected them as well, and how it hurts us all.

In the case of the men I know and care about, patriarchy is not the last word. These men have taken the time and effort to notice their own behavior that was influenced by society and culture, and worked to change it where they find it within themselves.

They have gone further, supporting and encouraging the women in their lives, including me. They deserve recognition.

Sometimes I have nightmares where I wake up and there’s no coffee. Save me by buying me a coffee. https://ko-fi.com/carolsantafe

—

This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

—