I’m not in the best position to judge anyone else’s relationship. Ignore the fact that I’m an educated and trained mental health clinician and look only at my past love affairs. It’s definitely a cautionary tale of what not to do.
With that being said, a close friend of mine is in a new relationship, and I love it for her. I’m not going to lie. I didn’t love her last couple of relationships. I could see all the red flags and warning signs that they wouldn’t last. But this one feels different. I’m not saying that it will last. I can’t predict the future or even attempt to guesstimate what life will throw at them. But what I can say is that there’s a sense of ease and alignment between them.
Chemistry v. Alignment
So often, we look for chemistry in relationships, but we often ignore alignment. While both can be present, my friend’s new relationship is a prime example, it’s also possible to have chemistry without the added bonus of true compatibility. Chemistry can be tricky. It can shift our focus to how we’re feeling, which isn’t a bad thing in itself, but it can keep us from doing our best thinking. To put it more bluntly, chemistry — that potent ingredient in infatuation — can make us behave in some pretty dumb ways.
For instance, chemistry can have us updating our relationship status with someone we know in our heart of hearts isn’t compatible with the future we’re planning. It can have us ignoring red flags and doubling down on our commitment to doing the thing we know isn’t best for us. While it might feel good in the moment, it can really hurt us later.
Fixating solely on immediate physical attraction may cause us to overlook critical compatibility factors like shared values, communication styles and life goals. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to prioritize the thrill of chemistry over the deeper considerations of long-term compatibility. –Dr. Mark Travers for Forbes
But when chemistry is paired with a sense of alignment, it’s different. We’ve got that rush of infatuation with the knowledge that the relationship actually works and has long-term potential. We’re going into relationships like this with our eyes open. We aren’t seeing red flags because there aren’t any there — not because we’re wearing blinders to avoid seeing them. It’s the kind of relationship that still feels good but is less likely to damage us down the road.
Benefits of Alignment Over Chemistry Alone
I feel like I spent too much of my dating history looking for chemistry — but ignoring alignment. If the chemistry was there, it felt like enough for me. Now, I can look back and see that I was settling. Sometimes, I did it because I was lonely. But I can admit that sometimes I did it because I was attracted, and the chemistry was intoxicating. I wanted more of it, and I was willing to take the risk that comes with ignoring common sense and my deeper intuition.
What I didn’t seem to realize is that there can be chemistry and alignment — with better relationship outcomes.
I would argue that aligned relationships elevate us.
We learn to be our best selves inside them, and we genuinely collect good experiences from the partnership. Even if they end, we know we were better for having been in them. Can we really say that about the ones that had chemistry but lacked anything of true substance?
Alignment doesn’t feel forced.
We don’t have to change ourselves or change our partners to make things work. We’re not having to negotiate constant compromises to keep it all from falling apart. We can just relax and be our most authentic selves, and they can do the same. There’s a sense of acceptance and rightness to the match.
Alignment feels like moving forward.
Alignment usually means we have enough shared values and future goals for the relationship to feel like a true partnership. We feel like we’re moving forward, not stuck in the same place in frustration. Even if we haven’t yet defined the relationship or cemented its direction, we feel comfortable about how it’s going. Instead of stressing about the connection, we allow it to grow organically.
Aligned relationships don’t leave us anxious.
When alignment is present, we don’t need constant reassurance that we’re on the same page. There’s a certain level of communication that lets us know it’s safe to relax and enjoy the unfolding of this love story. We don’t have to worry about how they feel or whether they reciprocate our feelings because it’s all out in the open.
This doesn’t mean there are never problems, but one of the problems isn’t having to guess at where we stand. In those cases, we might be stuck in the land of chemistry far away from the kingdom of alignment. Metaphors aside, a compatible partner isn’t going to leave us feeling worried about the relationship.
Aligned relationships feel good to other people, too.
I could always tell when my romantic partnerships stressed out my friends. Their concern was often a warning sign that they could see what I refused to acknowledge. But the thing about aligned relationships is that they feel good to others, too. That sense of ease and rightness is projected outward, and other people tend to express good feelings about our partnership. There’s not constant worry about our well-being.
Aligned relationships can become misaligned.
Of course, I need to mention that relationships that are aligned can become misaligned over time. This is an experience that can be painful but needs to be acknowledged. Some relationships will start out with chemistry and compatibility, but one or both partners will change and create misalignment in the relationship. It’s not that anyone necessarily did anything wrong. Sometimes, even the most aligned partners can grow in different directions.
While this isn’t what we want to happen, it’s best to have some level of awareness that alignment isn’t a guarantee of relationship longevity. Relationship misalignment can be corrected if both partners are willing and able, but sometimes, it means that the relationship has come to its natural conclusion. At that point, we may want to hold on and wish desperately for things to go back to the way they were, but it’s in our best interests to accept that it might just be time to move forward without them.
Alignment is never 100%.
Relationships may get to a point of misalignment where they no longer work, but it’s a mistake to assume that a relationship will be 100% fully aligned at all times. Author and relationship writer Mark Manson suggests that 70–80% of chemistry and alignment is more of the relationship sweet spot, as we should expect our partner to have flaws just as we do.
It’s not going to be an absolutely perfect relationship at all times with no conflict whatsoever. That’s just not realistic. However, aligned relationships will work most of the time. The rest of the time will involve work, compromise, and acceptance of a certain level of differences and imperfections.
Alignment + Chemistry
When alignment and chemistry work together, we have what we need for a healthy partnership. Whether that partnership is friendship or something romantic depends on the people in question. If one person wants a relationship and the other person doesn’t, that’s not alignment. But when both come together, the relationship — whatever that may be — can be powerful, impactful, and lasting.
Chemistry is important. Everyone loves that fizzy frequency of sparkle, banter, and attraction. But alignment is important, too. It allows us to feel safe, relaxed, and authentic. It creates ease in a relationship — and the ease doesn’t come from ignoring red flags or sweeping issues under the rug. It comes from a sense of rightness, shared values, and mutual respect. When paired with the effervescent experience of shared chemistry, alignment becomes something we might just refer to as relationship goals.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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