Dan Bolton knows the secret to better sex. Hint: You’ll have to move.
Sex in a long term relationship or marriage has the potential to be the best sex of your life.
Unfortunately rather than doing what helps keep the excitement going with their long term mates, many people give in to the monotony of everyday life and throw that potential away. They then falsely attribute monotony to monogamy.
After a few weeks or months into the relationship, things can begin to turn routine. Every day is the same with nothing new happening. The heightened emotions that characterized the early days of the relationship begin fizzle out, there’s no challenge, no tension.
You both stop trying to be on top of your game, stop looking your best, or stop making dedicated time for each other. This creates a cycle of mutually reinforced dwindling of passion. The lack of strong emotions leaves no motivation for continuous emotional output, and this can atrophy the protective aura that exists around a vibrant, healthy relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, if a relationship or marriage is bad, I am all for it ending. I am not advocating to keep a relationship together at all costs. Nor am I coming from a moral high ground about marriage by any means. I am against that approach. This world certainly does not need any more miserable people in it. There are simply a good number of relationships that suffer a premature ending, infidelity, or chronic arguing because people simply do not put any effort into tuning up their relationship.
In some cases these painful endings can be avoided.
In any case, there are some definitive habits couples can build and some they can avoid to maintain attraction and passion beyond the honeymoon phase of the relationship. People might put together a few little techniques here and there, mustering up a minimal amount of energy, to meet someone and get into a relationship. Once in relationship, they resort back to how they were before and expect their partner to be happy with them.
When falling into routine, partners lose the ‘fire’ that made them attractive to one another in the first place. When couples continue to lose interest, they stop trying to break out of their comfort zone. They stop taking on new challenges that made them attractive in the first place. They take for granted that part about happily ever after.
Maintaining passion in your relationship requires you maintain passion for your own life the way you are living it.
The solution is to continue on your path toward self-improvement and your relationship will also prosper. Continue striving for more, challenge yourself, exert more creativity and be more present in the things you’re doing in life. Having new life experiences continues your personal growth, keeps you revitalized and excited about life, and you bring that energy back to your relationship. Doing the same thing everyday, sitting on the couch watching TV every night after work, does the opposite.
It makes you feel complacent and you bring that vibe into your relationship. Have hobbies that keep your mind focused on positivity, productivity, and self-improvement. It does not have to be anything earth shattering, but something new and exciting for you personally.
I know a man who broke out of a rut by getting involved in a board game group, and he brings his excitement and passion for board games home with him to his wife and family. I reference this example because usually when people hear “exciting” and “creative” they tend to respond with “Well, I don’t do anything exciting or creative” and tune out. They measure themselves against an external standard for “creative” or “exciting”. I am asking you to do something that is exciting and creative for you. Whatever gets your juices flowing.
Let’s break this down to three ways to keep the excitement and thus sex alive in your long term relationship or marriage:
– Create a dynamic lifestyle for yourself that continuously introduces you to new experiences to generate positive emotions in your daily life.
– Have a social circle of people that are also motivated for growth. They will help you challenge yourself. You can do that little bit more each day that keeps you hungry and passionate for life.
– Keep yourself turned on by doing more than what you’re currently doing, even if it is just a little more each day. People who are on that path are more confident. They have a certain energy that can be as invisibly attractive as pheromones. This keeps you on your toes and you’ll bring that extra boost of energy back into your relationship.
Show clarity in what you want, where you want to go, and what your goals are. Have alignment in your thoughts, words and actions. Stay grounded in your intentions. Taking action this way generates positive feelings about yourself. When you are generating positive emotions for yourself, this is contagious for other people around you. This allows you to be a source of positive emotions for your partner as well.
Hopefully your partner brings that same passion and fire to his/her life and those positive emotions are contagious for you, as well.
In order to increase sex, we need to increase lust and desire. Men and women alike want that primal, raw feeling of being wanted. In order to inspire that in our partners, we have to inspire it in ourselves. We have to do and find things we are passionate about and bring that passion back to our relationships.
Photo: Wicker Furniture/ Flickr