Green Flags To Grasp Onto When You’re Used To Dating Bad Boys

—

True story, when I first started dating my now boyfriend — I thought he was probably was not into women in the beginning. This was solely because he was much more thoughtful, caring, and sweet than all the boys I had dated before.

I was used to dating bad boys, and he was a whole different breed. He dated me with intention, something I had never experienced. Instead of seeing this as the green flag, it was though, I saw it as a red flag.

I saw all the healthy things as red flags blinded by the norms I had become accused of with the bad boys. I didn’t even tell friends or family about these things out of fear they would say it was too good to be true.

Two years later, and I scream his green flags from the rooftops. I tell everyone what a great human being he is and how he came into our partnership, unlike anything I had ever experienced for.

I advise friends to look for these green flags when dating too. Had I been stuck on them being red flags, due to the novelty of all that this good boy was, I would have missed out on the healthy relationship I have today.

Here are 4 green flags, that you may mistake for red ones if you are used to dating bad boys and finally come across a good one:

He goes the extra mile to let you know he cares.

Our first date was at his house. Sounds weird, but being the good guy, he is he invited me over and made me dinner. We knew each other in person from his place of work, and we had chatted on social media, so luckily, he was not a complete stranger.

Unbeknownst to me, he had noted my favorite meal (and made it), my favorite beers (and had them), and even made me a special dessert (chocolate covered strawberries). I had never had someone put so much thought into a first date.

After this first date, our next few ones he remained as thoughtful. He made me 7 playlists of songs he thought I would like from our conversations. He added love songs to every single playlist to start to show me his feelings for me.

About two weeks into dating, he gave me the sweetest gift of a life reading. I was floored with excitement. He had gifted me an experience — a thoughtful and intimate one. I hadn’t received such a thoughtful gift for years, nonetheless from a boy I had just begun dating.

At the moment, the above reinstated the fact I thought he may just be trying to be my friend. It seems absurd now that I know him, and our lives together, but again I was so used to bad boys… I didn’t think a guy a few weeks into dating would go so above and beyond to ensure I knew he cared.

But let me scream this from the rooftops: if a guy is going the extra mile for you every single time it is because he likes you. It is because he thinks you are worth it and wants to show you how special you are. Accept it.

Because being the good guy he likely is, him going the extra mile is not going to stop.

He is genuinely invested in what is important to you.

My good guy would not have been so successful in going the extra mile, had he not paid close attention to what was important to me. I picked up on him doing this suddenly. He would remember friends names, days I had meetings, along with my likes and dislikes.

Later I found out, he had a note on his phone to jot down details. That way, he could refer to it before a date or while we were texting to ensure I never had to repeat details. I had never felt so listened too. The gesture was so sweet.

Another way he showed me this was by calling me on Tuesday nights. Tuesday nights were a big deal because I attended support group meetings for codependency that afternoon. He would call to ask me how they went, to understand more, and show me he valued the investment I was putting into myself.

As you can probably assume, I was scared this was all a bit much. I was used to guys I was dating investing very little, if at all, into what was important to me beyond. This felt like a lot.

I learned he was investing because he was intentional in dating me. Intentional that he wanted to be in my life long term. He was investing in me and our future together. He understood the value in doing this early on.

So when someone is listening, taking notes, and genuinely investing in getting to know you. Embrace it. Don’t let your mind trick you into believing they may be overly invested or involved. You are receiving the attention you have deserved all along.

Get used to it if you plan on keeping the good boy around.

He contacts you frequently and doesn’t leave you hanging.

This should be blatantly obvious right? Wrong. In our current cyber-dating world, we have become accustomed to games. So when we come across an individual who texts you back quickly and never leaves you hanging — we may assume they are a weirdo. Again, a red flag.

I definitely had these thoughts. I remember the first time he asked if he could call me. I was nervous. I was so unused to a guy I was dating ever taking it beyond the convenient text conversations. But it was so fun. I laid on my phone and talked to him for hours. It was like I was still in 6th grade.

Again, this feels strange because of the novelty. Bad boys contact you when it is convenient for them. After their workday when they are at home, bored. On a Friday night when they are going to want a warm body to get close to.

And on the flip side of this, when you need him, the good guy will be there. He won’t make you feel like you are needy for that double text. He won’t make you feel like you are asking for too much when you just want to talk.

When the right guy comes along, you will be contacted frequently because he wants you. The contact is not a burden. It is a highlight of his day. You will begin to expect the texts and calls with the peace of knowing they aren’t going to stop. And you will learn you can count on him to be your go-to man.

A healthy relationship is built off healthy communication. Take it in like a breath of fresh air.

He goes at a pace that is comfortable for you.

The first date we had, he limited our drinks to two beers. At first, I found this odd, but he expressed he wanted to ensure I got home safely. This also eluded he didn’t plan on me spending the night. He didn’t pull a single move on me that night to top it off — not even a kiss.

I was so used to the norm of getting tipsy, making out, and possibly even hooking up. To make it clear I didn’t necessarily enjoy that norm though. I often would take it as a sign though that a guy was into me, so with this good guy being so careful it did not occur, I was caught off guard.

He actually didn’t kiss me for three weeks and didn’t sleep me for longer. This may not sound like a long time, but again, I was used to these things happening within the first few dates. He discussed it with me and told me he knew, from shared experiences, I was used to dating the bad boys. He made it known he was not going to be one of them.

He wanted to ensure that when our relationship progressed, I felt extremely desired and respected. He wanted to make sure I knew he wanted all of me, not that one thing. The same night we had sex, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I could have seen all the above as a red flag, and to be completely honest with you before he talked to me about it — I did. I saw him not engaging with me physically as he didn’t like. I was worried him asking me to be his girlfriend, so soon in, was going to make the fireworks end.

He knew me better than he knew myself though, and he was doing this all with intention. He was building a foundation while I was sitting back and trying to find the loose brick in it all.

When you meet the right guy, he is going to work with you and your pace to build the foundation firm. Trust the process.

. . .

So when the good guy appears and does all the things that feel weird and foreign, don’t assume they are red flags. Instead, wait.

Wait until you realize he is doing it because he has the right intentions. Wait until you see he is going the extra mile because he cares. Wait until he is invested in you and makes you feel special.

Because those are all the green flags. When a guy is doing all those things, it means he is the good one you have been hoping for. He is the one you deserve.

—

Previously published on Medium.com and is republished here with permission.
—

***