In order to tackle the big issues of the day in the world of masculinity, we have brought in three stand-up guys to give us their thoughts on some very hot topics. We are joined by Henry (22/White/Queer), Rico* (25/Latino/Bi), and Wei (34/Asian/Straight).
*pseudonym given to protect identity
Presenting the second half of Guy Panel 2 in all of its honesty and vulnerability:
- Is there anything you do not like about being a guy?
Henry: I don’t like being emasculated by my peers for being vulnerable. When I’m talking about my emotions, I prefer to process and reflect with girls because most guys just nod along and “mhm” without leaning into their vulnerable side.
Rico: Body image standards for men can be pretty rough – and not a lot of spaces are available for men to talk about it.
Wei: The stereotypical guy/bro culture can be annoying and frustrating to be around. I’ve never enjoyed being around “locker room” talk.
- Have you been in (or are you currently in) a serious romantic relationship? What, if anything, can you only learn from a relationship? What do you still have to learn about relationships?
Henry: I have never been in a relationship so I will pass.
Rico: yes, I think the important things I’ve learned from past relationships are figuring out what I want in a partner and how the secret to finding a really good partner is to be deserving of one.
Wei: I am currently in a serious romantic relationship. There are many kinds of relationships, and being in different kinds allow you to learn different things, assuming you are engaging thoughtfully and intentionally in the relationship to help it grow and improve. Even being in a serious romantic relationship requires maintenance of other levels of the relationship (cohabitation, friendship, parenting partnership, etc), all of which requires awareness and effort to cultivate. I still have a lot to learn about relationships, especially as people change over time, it will be fascinating to see how a relationship takes shape as these changes occur.
- What makes for effective communication? How do you ensure that you are listening both to what is said aloud and what is conveyed non-verbally?
Henry: Effective communication is ongoing. As someone with ADHD, I have grown to be a better active listener but I still struggle to restrain myself from excitedly jumping into conversations. I found that doing some deep listening exercises in college where I could only ask questions to my partner helped me be more aware of the space I occupy with my voice.
Rico: I think effective communication is about creating a comfortable space to be able to talk about issues without anger or duress. As someone who can be conflict avoidant, I would rather talk something out in a discussion than start an argument over something that is really about something else.
Wei: Effective communication requires a foundation of active listening – concentrating on both the speaker’s words and body language, without judgment and with empathy. Good communication takes effort and concentration. It’s easy to get in the habit of relating to a speaker’s experiences with an analogous experience of my own, or simply waiting for my turn to speak without truly listening to others. These are both things I can improve on.
- What would you do if your best friend were accused of sexually assaulting someone? Under what circumstances (if any) would this friendship continue?
Henry: If my best friend were accused, I would implore them to decenter their agenda and respect the allegation as if they were the one accusing. It would take a great deal of time for this friend to earn back my respect. I would only consider continuing my friendship with them if they became an active educator about consent and owned their mistake throughout consistent advocacy about consent.
Rico: My best friend is like a brother to me, so our relationship would continue, but it would change drastically and I would expect him to go above and beyond in seeking restorative justice for his actions.
Wei: This is something I have thought about before, and I am still not sure what the answer is. It would largely depend, however, one certainty is that if the friend was found guilty, the friendship would not continue. Even absent a guilty conviction, it would depend on what occurred.
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