Guy Panel 2 Interview Part One
In order to tackle the big issues of the day in the world of masculinity, we have brought in three stand-up guys to give us their thoughts on some very hot topics. We are joined by Henry (22/White/Queer), Rico* (25/Latino/Bi), and Wei (34/Asian/Straight).
*pseudonym given to protect identity
Without further ado, I present the second iteration of The Guy Panel:
- How have you navigated the intersections of your race, gender, sexuality and other identities as it relates to systems of oppression? What is it like for you to simultaneously have privilege and experience oppression?
Henry: I haven’t experienced oppression as a white individual but I’ve noticed some of my older queer, white mentors equate being ostracized and marginalized with being oppressed. They tend to say things like, “of course Black Lives Matter, but so does mine because I don’t even have my marriage rights in many states!” I wish these mentors would see that promoting BLM doesn’t invalidate the adversity white people have faced because of their gender and sexuality.
Rico: I like to think that it’s made me more empathetic of others, that I’m more cognizant of thinking about oppression through a vantage point I’m not in because I can understand oppression and privilege from more than one vantage point.
Wei: Honestly, I’m not sure how self-aware I have been navigating these intersections for most of my life. In the past few years, my personal education on my own privileges and identities (and of others) have led to a more intentional effort on my part to be more conscious of my actions on a day to day basis, whether in my personal life or professional. Where I have privilege and power, I ask myself how I can distribute what power I have to those that are marginalized, and try to follow that up with action and allyship. For the times that I encounter bias or oppression, I want to be better at speaking out and calling these issues to light. It’s not in my nature to always “speak up”, so this is something I want to work on and overcome.
- What, if anything, makes you feel manly? From where does this association stem?
Henry: I don’t know if I’ve ever let myself try to feel “manly” per se. As a queer individual, sometimes I feel icky when I’m in a big group of male-identifying people who explode into some hoo-ra-ra brouhaha over a sports game on TV. I generally gravitate towards female-identifying friends so I never really acquired any kind “script” to speak to people who inflect their “manliness” through conversations about sports, women, and politics.
Rico: I think providing for or helping out my friends, even if it’s just being present for them, makes me feel “manly” but more in like an adult-y kind of vibe. Learning martial arts like BJJ (Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu) or boxing hits the more traditional association of the term too, I guess.
Wei: In my 20s, lifting weights might have been something that made me feel manly. That association was likely from growing up in a culture of sports and the standards of what a “man” is from that specific perspective.
- What practices can you engage in personally to ensure the comfort and safety of people who may have experienced trauma at the hands of men (e.g. not walking right behind people late at night)?
Henry: I’m pretty open with strangers about my queerness, but sometimes I wonder if I’m dodging my privilege by using a higher-pitched speaking voice and softer tone. The fact that I have to use more effeminate characteristics to make others feel safe (e.g in an elevator, on an elevated train car at night with one other person) shows a lot about how violent some “man-traits” (as I call them) can be. Sometimes I’ll even pull out my phone and pretend to talk to someone using my soft voice just as a sign of courtesy to let another person know I’m not trying to be scary.
Rico: I think being a good person who creates an inviting space for everyone is the practice I try to engage in the most. When you have a commanding presence or a position of authority in a space, it’s important to use it to 1) make everyone feel welcome but also 2) be vocal against people who are making it unwelcome for others.
Wei: Generally, I try to ensure that I am never surprising anyone. That can take the form of keeping an appropriate distance, making sure that people are aware of my presence (by purposefully making noise), not standing behind people, and doing my best to ensure my body language conveys friendliness. I would welcome more advice on this front, as I’m sure there’s more I could be doing!
- How do you approach touch in non-sexual situations and relationships to ensure that consent is respected? What could you do better in this area?
Henry: I need to be better about asking friends before I hug them. As someone who grew up at a summer camp where hugging was more frequent than hand-washing, it took me awhile to realize that not every friend wants a hug (even if I’ve showered). Whenever it’s safe for people to hug one another around town again, I think it would be good to promote consent with non-sexual touch.
Rico: For strangers, I avoid it always in the US. Internationally, it depends on the cultural norms. For friends, it’s always playful. For relationships, it depends on the person/gender.
Wei: For those I am not as close to, I generally have a no-touch default. The only touch I may seek actively would be a high-five, and anything above that (such as a hug) is initiated by the other party.
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