Guys — If You Can't Take Rejection, Don't Court It

A thread on Twitter in July saw women reciting incidents where they’d said “No thanks” to a guy, only to be harassed by him. Many involved the guy turning nasty, hurling abuse — the usual stuff. One minute you’re a babe, and the next, you’re unf***able.

Another woman relayed this familiar move from guys who think they’re ‘smooth’:

“I went out with friends. We weren’t in the club 15 minutes when a guy took my hand and pulled me toward the dance floor. I pulled away. He started scream-spitting less than an inch from my face. As a bouncer pulled him away, he reached out and slapped me.”

Pulling a woman he doesn’t know onto the dance floor without asking her? Scream-spitting? Didn’t it enter his head that she might not want to dance with him, or even dance at all? The question “What if she says No?” wasn’t even considered.

It gets worse for some women who refuse sex, as 18-year-old Lily Sullivan’s tragic story showed in December 2021. “Frustrated” that Lily had refused intercourse, her murderer left her topless and face down in a reservoir. Heart-breaking.

When this lovely lad finally got the message that harassing a woman with sexual comments doesn’t win her over, he pushed her into a bush and assaulted her anyway. Fortunately, she seems to have been physically unhurt as she was able to shove him off and get away.

And finally, here’s a milder version, but he’s still not happy with the rejection, accusing them of having a “full public meltdown”. (They didn’t.) Amazingly it’s the women who were tone-policed, even by people who thought the guy was a d***. Apparently, they should have been polite about telling him to back off. Same old, same old.

Guys — we know there’s still pressure on you to ‘make the first move’ (not to mention ‘pop the question’), and many women probably haven’t thought about how daunting that can be. There’s always a chance you could have misread things, -which excuses nothing, by the way. A quick search of “What if she’s just being friendly?” reveals the number of men agonizing over that question.

A word of caution — Please don’t take the advice of some guys claiming to be relationship ‘experts’ and try to turn her friendliness into sexual attraction. There’s a reason it’s a tricky subject; sexual attraction isn’t a formula, and you can’t manufacture it. If it’s obvious you’re just a friend to her, that’s her decision. If you’re not sure what you are to her, leave it.

While I’m not the person to analyze why so many men react aggressively to perceived rejection (which isn’t necessarily real), I would like to offer a few suggestions:

It’s not the end of the world if a woman doesn’t want to accept a drink from you. With all the spiking going on, it’s a perfectly reasonable response to “That stranger over there has just sent you this drink.” If her refusal will shatter your world, my advice is “DON’T”, but if you insist — don’t make it a massive production. The more eyes on you, the more embarrassing the refusal will be.
When a woman says “No thank you”, whether it’s to a drink, a date or sex, she’s usually not trying to rob you of your manhood. Seeing it from her viewpoint (she’s been roofied before, or she doesn’t think you clicked, for example) might prevent you from the rage that often comes with a challenge to masculinity.
Just because you’re strongly attracted to someone, doesn’t mean it’s reciprocated. It doesn’t work that way, and that’s not her fault. It’s disappointing and sometimes heart-breaking to have an unrequited crush or love, but getting nasty isn’t going to change her mind.
Ditto — if you’ve been told you’re attractive (or you think you’re attractive) doesn’t mean she will. As they say — Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You may have the ladies falling at your feet, but that doesn’t excuse any outrage at being rebuffed. If it helps, tell yourself (but not her) she has a weird taste in men. Hurling abuse or drinks only makes you look like a hot-headed toddler.
It’s not transactional. If you’ve bought her a drink or dinner, she doesn’t ‘owe’ you anything. If you believe she does, you need to spell that out and see how many women take up your offer. You’ll be surprised.
Following a woman around (otherwise known as stalking) will frighten the life out of her. If that’s your intention, then there’s nothing I can say other than — this kind of behavior is becoming less and less tolerated by law enforcement, and it certainly isn’t attractive. If you think you’re going to win her over with this type of ‘persistence’, you won’t. But you might find the law breathing down your neck.
Life isn’t a rom-com so don’t get annoyed if you copied the dude from the one you once watched, and it backfired. If a woman doesn’t seem to be interested, following her around is going to pi** her off, and implying she doesn’t know her own mind will do that to infinity.
If you do find yourself becoming angry when a woman doesn’t give in to your demands, try these helpful anger management tips from the world-renowned Mayo clinic. Pick out your calming word ahead of time lads, and practise your breathing exercises in front of the mirror. Far better than making women (and yourself) miserable and possibly getting arrested.