Half a Loaf of Love

Unlocking a locked-up heart

I know myself pretty well — I have a very big mouth.

While charming and loveable to many, my inability to keep my thoughts, compulsions, and anxieties to myself, can be a problem.

For me, there is no quiet part, I say it all out loud. And while this had led to several broken hearts and some disillusionment, I still believe strongly in the concept of love: butterflies, romance, sex, devotion, commitment, and loyalty.

I’ve noticed something interesting in myself and several women I’ve dated, many of us have developed a heart-protecting mental strategy where we don’t allow ourselves to fully love someone in order to protect ourselves.

People manifest this self-protective mechanism in different ways. Some clam up and never talk. Others talk incessantly because they think it gives them control over themselves, and the one they love.

Either way, we all have similar goals. Find someone to love us unconditionally — who is loyal and committed, honest and trustworthy.

This story is about my big mouth, healing, and finding the mental strategy to navigate love again.

Please shut up

I CAN’T SHUT MY MOUTH, PLEASE HELP ME.

“Okay, okay. So….we’re dating, but not in a relationship. We’re kinda in that figuring-things-out stage, right…gotcha, of course, one day at a time, let’s not get ahead of things….sounds good…but if we were to progress in this relationship what do you think about Florida, ya know, I always dreamed about getting a cabin in the mountains…and Florida doesn’t have any mountains…it has some hills, mostly little bumps though, so a cabin on a hill isn’t the same thing but I’m flexible…anyway…did I tell you I really like you, and how I think things are going really well? How do you think things are going?”

That’s not me. Okay, yes it is.

I’ve tried biting my lip and telling myself to shut up, but my verbal diarrhea just explodes in a torrent of barely containable, jargon-infused, word salad.

My own petard

Some of my behavior is my own fault. Failed marriages and relationships led to a justifiable paranoia and left me leery of having to unwind something that was supposed to last forever…again.

I grew up in the you-don’t-divorce-ever generation — meaning “till death” meant just that — your only way out of a bad marriage was dying. Our culture has now swung to the other end of the pendulum where many wonder if they gave up too soon.

My marriages failed largely because we lost interest in each other’s futures — my first wife moved back to Portugal, her homeland, and my second wife choose to join a worldwide religious ministry in which I had zero interest.

Divorce, or any difficult breakup, leaves scars that heal differently. Learning to accept each other’s frailties, insecurities, and neurosis can help us at least understand our behaviors.

Accepting that a firm commitment may ultimately turn out badly and therefore being afraid, is normal. Nobody wants to be rejected or thought of as “used up” or thrown away.

Some hearts never surrender

In the early stage of relationships you both have a decent amount of control over things like dating, when to kiss, and how fast things should progress toward engagement and marriage…or not.

Many times two people pledge their everlasting, lifelong love for each other, oftentimes in the form of vows and marriage.

Some refuse to hand the keys to their heart to anyone — they simply don’t allow themselves to indulge or marinate in the thoughts of romance, love, passion, and fairytales.

Heart protection — extended warranty

Some people will never allow themselves to love too deeply. They keep an arm’s length distance from the one they claim they truly love.

Maybe they suffered too many break-ups to fully love again — even the most flexible hearts eventually lose their elasticity.

Love, particularly for those with multiple broken hearts, becomes a strange approach-avoidance strategy where you want to love someone wholeheartedly, but when you do, it ultimately collapses, and the pain, confusion, pride, and mental compulsion, ultimately take their toll.

The past isn’t predictive for everyone. Many get right back on that romantic-love horse the minute they fall off. But there are always scars to one degree or another, hopefully from which to learn.

What’s the broken hearted supposed to do?

Give up on lifelong, everlasting love? Accept love only lasts so long, taking things one day at a time? Develop a “Love-light” attitude where you keep things uncommitted and neutral to avoid getting hurt?

What’s a big mouth, neurotic, babbling brook of a man supposed to do…I’ve tried duct tape?

And what’s a, once burnt-twice shy, girl supposed to do when a man swears he’s going to love her forever, then doesn’t?

Mental strategy to navigate love again

Here’s the answer………..nothing. I don’t mean you literally freeze like a bump on a log, I mean you let go, surrender, and accept you cannot control anybody’s actions other than your own.

Yes. I’m going to get ghosted again. Yes, I’m going to get cheated on, again. And yes, a beautiful girl is going to tell me I’m the best man she’s ever met, then dump me….again.

Or not. But I can’t control the future no matter how much I talk or analyze or obsess.

Yes. I’m going to make love to a woman again. Yes. I’m going to fall in love again. Yes. I will overpromise, over-commit, and sometimes underdeliver.

Regardless, I’m grateful for today’s love, I’m thankful for yesterday’s lessons, and I’m looking forward to sharing love with someone.

How will I deal with the uncertainty of it all? The same way I deal with the uncertainty of driving a car, getting on an airplane, or crossing the street, I accept the risk because of the reward is so well worth it.

Other than really good pizza….or a fresh bagel with cream cheese, lox, and thinly sliced onion…human kindness, touch, communication, and love are all we got….everything else is noise.

Love feels better than anything else on earth and I will never give up on it. There, I said it….now about my motor-mouth…I suggest earplugs…just keep loving me…

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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