In my twenties and thirties, I celebrated with my friends as they found love, got married and became parents. In my forties, I’ve supported many of those same friends as they navigated the dissolution of those marriages and began a new chapter.
And, without fail, at some point, each of them asked me the same question…
“How did your parents do it?”
My parents, who separated when I was six, have been divorced for far more years than they had been married. They have, together, been there to celebrate all the milestones: walking each of their three kids down the aisle, waiting in hospital rooms for the birth of every grandchild, sharing Sunday dinners and holiday traditions with their ever-expanding, blended family. They have, also together, been there with and for each other through the hard: the worries, the sad, the loss.
How did they do it?
As a mindset mastery mentor, I get to spend time with people as they navigate this life-altering chapter of the end of a marriage. As I did with my friends, I have shared with them the things I had learned being a product of people who did it well and all the pitfalls I have seen to avoid from those who didn’t. Because while there will be things in this next season that will be beyond your control, there will also be much that is supremely within it.
You are here. Whatever happened in the relationship that brought you to this point, this is where you are now. If your objective is to find happiness, you’ll be best served facing forward, accepting, if not embracing, this new reality. Pretending it isn’t happening won’t make it true.
MINDSET NOTE: There’s a reason the rear-view mirror is so much smaller than the windshield.
Shift focus from couple to family. As difficult as it may be to unravel the threads of a marriage while keeping the connection as parents, it helps to remember that you have a shared goal. If you choose to love your children more than you resent one another, it’s possible to begin there.
MINDSET NOTE: Keep in mind that while the children rarely have a say in whether their parents split up, they are almost always the most impacted by it.
Actually daydream. Engage the power of your imagination to envision the post-marriage relationship you want to have with your former partner. Is cordial the goal? Do you want everything completely separate? Would you like to share holidays? Knowing the outcome you want is the first step in being able to attain it.
MINDSET NOTE: Your brain doesn’t decipher between real or imagined. Taking the time to picture what you want helps create the reality you seek.
Say thank you. One tool that has helped many of my clients shift from sadness or bitterness to acceptance and appreciation is the practice of gratitude. While that may sound a bit woo-woo, write down what you appreciate in your former partner, the ways that you grew while in and from the relationship and acknowledge their strengths as a parent.
MINDSET NOTE: This will serve as a helpful touchstone in moments of frustration.
Watch your words. While you may be absolutely justified in doing so, NEVER talk badly about the other parent to, or in front of, your children. If you need to vent, rely on a friend, family member or therapist. Keep in mind that that person is half of who made those kids and hearing them spoken about negatively will likely impact your child more than your former partner.
MINDSET NOTE: With children, more is caught than is taught. You can’t expect them to respect their parents if you are actively disrespecting one another.
Keep it real. There will be times that your kids will ask tough questions. Or perhaps your partner is ready to be friends, and you aren’t there yet. This isn’t the time to fake it. Be clear with your former partner about where you are and how you’re feeling and with your children, be as honest as is appropriate.
MINDSET NOTE: By watching you, your children are learning how to deal with times of major change and with big feelings.
Don’t shoot the messenger. Especially if the transition isn’t the smoothest, you may be tempted to send messages through the kids to avoid the other parent. Whether you have a request, a schedule change, a criticism, a bill, etc., there is no reason for their involvement in delivering the message.
MINDSET NOTE: There are so many options to communicate via phone, text, or email; choose the one that works best for you and your co-parent.
Spring will come. Your relationship wasn’t built in a day and the healing from it will take time. Be easy with yourself. Divorce is, for many, experienced in a similar way to grief. Give yourself the space to feel what you’re feeling and celebrate the milestones of progress as you heal.
MINDSET NOTE: The only way through these feelings is through them. You can’t avoid them, but by honoring them, it can help you to ultimately release them.
Make your peace a priority. Remember to take care of yourself during this transition. Find the thing that calms you and make it a part of your daily practice. It could be as simple as a morning jog, some quiet unplugged time or listening to an inspiring podcast. Find that thing. Do that thing.
MINDSET NOTE: Scheduling your you-time is different than hoping it happens.
My mom and dad have been divorced for over forty years and are both happily in relationships with other people. While it didn’t start this way, this is where they have ended. My parents have a true friendship that is built on mutual respect, a shared history, and the desire to unabashedly brag about their children and grandchildren. While this may not always seem probable in the immediate aftermath of a divorce, it is possible.
And, if that’s your ultimate desire, it could be possible for you.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
