STOP SEEKING HAPPY
I think the issue which surrounds people is lack of understanding. At the heart of many issues appears to be lack of language. Most use one word to define a varying degree of emotions.
One of these words is “happiness”.
On a well-known podcast, Huberman Lab, a draw dropping revelation occurred. Dr Brackett is one of the leading experts in emotional behavioral science. Dr. Brackett leads an emotional intelligence unit at Yale University. In his discussion with Dr. Huberman, Dr. Brackett detailed how people chasing happiness is leading to great despair (2).
Women often want happiness. I hear it often.
I am probably one of the rare exceptions because I do not seek happiness in my life. I seek many positive emotions. I do not seek to be happy though. This does not mean I do not feel happy from time to time. I just mean it is not the goal of my life.
DESPAIR THE GIFT OF SEEKING HAPPINESS
If you are unfamiliar with what despair is the exact definition is — utter loss of hope (3).
If one’s goal is to pursue happiness through marriage it is possible to fall into an unfortuante category. This category for some is the category of complete loss and absence of hope. This is according to the foremost expert in Emotional Intelligence in the world.
Wow. Powerful stuff.
What is happiness? Like really. What’s the definition? Interesting enough one of the synonyms of happy is: favored by luck or fortune: fortunate (4)
It’s difficult to imagine thinking, “I just want to be happy” could have such damaging consequences of your mental psyche. I guess when you leave anything up to luck or fortune it’s easy to guess why most people never seem to remain happy.
It’s hard to pull an Ace every time you draw a card.
I’m notorious for playing odds. I am a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t” & Co-Author of “Many Paths To Profit” with the original shark from Shark Tank Kevin Harrington.
I know how to play odds. It begs the mind to wonder, especially as it pertains to women, is the thought of pursuing happiness as the ultimate goal a poison seeded by some dubious actor?
LACK OF PROPER LANGUAGE
Seems pursuing happiness is a low odds game. This episode was powerful on many levels. Surprisingly one such level was how small of a vocabulary people use when approaching emotions.
Angry, happy, sad, depressed, excited…the list of basic words goes on.
How about elated? Do you use peeved? What about enlightened? How about the word content? What are the differences to you between happy, content, delighted and pleased?
Do you even know the difference?
Most don’t.
People are using the blanket word of happy to define complex emotions that are not happy. This is causing a great deal of grief for a lot of people.
CONFUSING YOURSELF WITH YOUR OWN DEFINITION
Compounding the confusion is everyone lives in a hyper society. An analysis of this hyper phenomenon is detailed here in a previous article for those caring to understand hyper individuality. The previous article is about how the sexes handle stress differently, but a significant portion of my article was linked to defining hyper individualism.
In short hyper individualism has to do with a person living an individual life that completely disregards any consideration to others (5).
I’ve noticed the desire to not consider other sources with simple things like asking a person what the definition of a word is. Many people today begin with saying, “What happiness is to me…”
…happy is: favored by luck or fortune: fortunate (4)
Ladies and gentlemen a person cannot define a word differently simply because that person might lack the vocabulary to properly describe what they’re feeling.
I’m positive every person who ever said, “Happiness to me means…” didn’t mean they were hoping somehow favor of luck would somehow befall them.
In this sense, we have people using the words improperly. Language matters.
MAYBE YOU NEVER WANTED HAPPINESS
If you can agree definitions exist for a reason; perhaps, we can also agree what you’re trying to say is something else? What if you were never trying to be happy? What if you were really trying to feel something else?
This is the center of much of people’s the confusion. For one reason or another many people have not taken the time to broaden their vocabulary enough to use the word for the emotion they want.
Most people simply lump multiple feelings into one word.
One of these words is “Happy”.
There are many types of positive feelings we can use. My favorite is to feel contented. I personally think this is the word many people mean to say when they misuse happy.
Contented means — feeling or showing satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation.
Remember, happy is a consequence of some event. I feel happy when…(Fill in the blank). By defining our desired state of being because of some outside phenomenon; we set ourselves up for a trap.
If we allow the external world’s events to determine our state of being we can potentially place ourselves in a very dangerous position. Almost nothing outside of our mind can be controlled.
Contented means you are satisfied with what is already in your possession.
This is a very important aspect. If a person already has something in their possession — it is much easier to settle down their emotional state. Depending on an uncontrollable phenomenon to be happy is not wise because it will never be in your possession.
HOW PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS CAN TORMENT YOU
Following up on this thought I know I cannot control how my wife feels, my daughter, my mother nor the mother of my daughter. I cannot control how anyone is feeling. I cannot control my daughter’s mood when she is told how her martial arts performance is going. I cannot control how my wife feels when my daughter runs to her mother instead of her at a martial arts demonstration when she is the one responsible for paying for it. These are all very independent things. If I were to base my state of being predicated on how each of these people responded every day — I would find most days elude my expectations.
What would make me happy is everyone sits together, exchanges I love you between each other and everyone gives hugs saying we are one big blended family. That never happens. Probably never will.
If my goal is to be happy for the day this situation comes; whereby, I fail to obtain my desired result I will find myself sorely disappointed. With every day it occurs it is possible for me to build resentment. The consequence of constant disappointment will form some feeling of despair. This example may seem silly to some, but I am trying to illustrate a point.
Some people wake up with the sole goal of wanting to feel happy.
Constant disappointment is very common with people who seek happiness. Earlier we learned happiness is subject to fortune and luck. Tying your feeling of satisfaction to an uncontrollable phenomenon of luck is akin to rolling dice. The dice roll will leave you disappointed most of the time.
Now you understand why happiness is not my goal. I do not have happiness as my goal. I am seeking respect from all parties I deal with and purpose in my faith to my God.
All parties respect me and themselves. As a result I am contented.
CONTENTMENT GIVES THE GIFT HAPPINESS CANNOT OFFER
Seeking to only have what I already possess reinforces my feeling of contentment. I do not have sadness, regret, or any feeling of despair. Negative feelings are largely foreign to me. There are many times where happiness does occur. Happiness is not foreign to me. It is just not my goal nor do I make it a requirement of my relationship. Happiness is a consequence of something else — not the goal.
To enforce respect I choose when to terminate any interaction. I do not have to be part of any interaction I do not want to. Even in jail I can close my eyes and mediate away from the environment. I am always free despite my body being in a cage. My mind is free. I can terminate any conversation or interaction at will. No one can make me feel anything. I have ownership of my mind, emotions and thoughts. They are not for sale or easily accessible.
A conversation or interaction requires two parties. I do not have to speak or participate if I do not want to. A person saying mean things to me without me listening is just a person speaking to themselves outloud.
In this sense, I always control the level of respect I have. I am always in possession of my respect. Similar, my purpose is inside. It’s a deep spiritual relationship with me and my God. This is impossible to separate.
This is the secret to feeling contented. The gift of contented? The gift is eternal peace, satisfaction and calm harmony. Doesn’t that sound better than happy? One focuses on what you already posses and the other asks for it please. I prefer to go with what I already have.
What about you?
Don’t devalue other positive emotions nearly every positive aspect of your life requires another positive attribute besides happiness. Help your romantic partner find the true feeling they are searching for by embracing what they really mean to say. Broaden your vocabulary!
Unfortunately, not all my secrets will not be discovered in this free article. You must pick up a copy of my international best-selling book “I Made It Then I Didn’t” or order “Many Paths To Profit” for that.
The concept I teach in this article is free. My personal stories are not. Don’t let pennies get in the way of showing you something much more valuable than a dollar. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. So many positive emotions are available. Choose the emotion which is in your possession not the one dependent on another. Your peace is not for sale or on loan from another.
To Your Knowledge Success!
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Sources
1) The life of Christopher Knight Lopez a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t” & Co-Author of “Many Paths To Profit” with the original shark from Shark Tank Kevin Harrington.
2) Huberman Lab. Dr. Marc Brackett, Ph.D.: How To Increase Your Emotional Intelligence. Episode 193. September 9 2024. Start Time 36:02
3) Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Definition of Despair. 2024. Accessed 14 September 2024. Weblink: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/despair
4) Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Definition of Happy. 2024. Accessed 14 September 2024. Weblink: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/happy
5) Research Gate. “Hyper individualism is the process of hyper culture: a sign of uncertainty”. Majumdar, A. Harvard University. June 2021.
6) Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Definition of Contented. 2024. Accessed 14 September 2024. Weblink: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/contented
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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