Have You Ever Been Ghosted?

Modern dating has gone mental.

We all know it. We all experience it and we all still try to navigate through it. Though now there are completely different terms when it comes to dating, for me ghosting will always keep its position at the top. It is an oldie but goldie.

I saw a video today which said there were only 3 reasons why someone would ghost you.

1- They like you too much, and are afraid of commitment and getting closer so they choose the next exit quietly. (Where are my ‘if he wanted to, he would have’s?)

2- He doesn’t like you and is being a coward.

3- He is a narcissist who gets off when he is sure he has ‘you’ and leaves when his duty is done.

To be honest, I agree with this, just not 100%.

I have been ghosted so many times before and after each time I went back to thinking about the other times to see if I could find any similarities. Maybe I was missing something? Maybe I was choosing the unavailable ones to be ghosted? Maybe this was just a random selection?

There was one thing in common.

They really were randomly selected, some leaned more towards being a narcissist and some more on the being a coward side. One thing they had in common was they knew they’d ghost me from the get-go. They didn’t just wake up one day and decided to ghost me. They already knew this was to end at some point and their exit strategy was ghosting.

Let me repeat again, it was a set decision from the beginning.

The decision was they knew they wouldn’t be in it long term and their exit strategy was ghosting.

Simple as that.

The first time I was ghosted I chose to believe he was doing this because he got scared we were getting closer. It was my poor heart not wanting to believe that it opened its doors to a person with just bad manners. It was my ego that couldn’t handle being ghosted and not being chosen. To let him off the hook, I believed he was innocent and scared. Basically, I gave him the least hurtful excuse for his ghosting because I wanted him back.

Ugh, even writing this makes me nauseous. Honestly, sometimes I get way too dumb by giving these people extra credits that they don’t deserve and don’t want. He didn’t want to get off the hook, he was content knowing what he did was a cowardly move and that we should be separated. I, the superwoman that I am, gave him a way out of the situation. A way that he did not want!

After 4 months of no contact, I called him. One night, with my heart pumping out of my chest, I just dialed his number. He picked up. They always do by the way. The man has no moral code, of course, he will pick up. Not because he missed me too, not because he wanted me back, just because he has no standards.

I asked him, point-blank;

Why did you ghost me?

He got quiet at first. He can’t just admit to guilt but he also needed an answer as we were on the phone. He said we weren’t compatible. I told him that the feedback I got from him when we were together was the complete opposite. He got quiet again. So I kept this up for about 15 minutes.

With each excuse, I challenged him. With each reason he threw at me I called bullshit.

Then I hang up the phone.

When we were together he’d send me cute good morning messages. That Tuesday morning he sent me another one and in the afternoon no bueno. After I hang up the phone I felt furious. It was bad enough that he kept space in my head for my months, but he still wasn’t admitting to guilt. Never once did he apologize for ghosting me out of nowhere.

…

Look, I am no expert in relationships, I just have a huge therapy bill. Ghosting, regardless of the length of the relationship or how close you were, will always suck. It puts you in a position where you feel worthless. Someone acts as if you do not exist nor have a value.

When you are at the receiving end of ghosting, it is really challenging to stay put and not take it personally.

But you should.

You should learn not to take it personally because it is not about you. Believe me when I say this, even if he is ghosting you because he doesn’t like you even that is not a reason to take it personally.

Take it from me, confronting him won’t help either, it’ll only piss you off. So let the coward go.

You can’t make him understand his behaviour sucks and what he did hurt you. You also shouldn’t try and make him understand because you are not his therapist.

Admit that this a lost cause.

He already admitted it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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