He Called Me His Ex’s Name

I debated coming here and telling this embarrassing story for a couple of weeks, knowing how disgusting it felt when it happened and how I tried to pretend it didn’t hurt as badly as it did.

Ultimately, I gave in to my feelings and here we are. A little background, if I may.

I have been dating a man I’ve known since I was 19. A friend of my first husband, I adore the guy, always have. He was in a pretty emotionally abusive marriage, and he’s wounded from it. I have been as understanding as a woman with my issues can be, I believe. Until this incident of late took place.

It would be a lot easier to gloss over if it happened in an argument. Or if we had been drinking. No, we were not just sober and, I thought, happy with one another, we were in bed.

And he called me his ex’s name. Twice.

In his defense, he apologized like a million times, and immediately, but he was looking me directly in my face when he called me her name. And then repeated it after I said, “what did you say?”

I didn’t want to cry in front of him, so I got up and left the room. He came to talk to me, but I told him I couldn’t understand anything he was saying right now. My ears were ringing, and I could feel my pulse in my earlobes.

I felt like he had punched me in my chest.

I felt like I had made a huge mistake, and I should probably pack my dog, my laptop up, and head back to The Bay.

I did just that, for a few days.

He apologized a million more times, but all I want to know is, “if you’re so happy with me and you’re so unhappy with her, what would make you think of her name when you’re in bed with me. Is that who you’re always thinking of? Am I some sort of placeholder?”

I asked these questions, and different variations of these questions, but he didn’t care to explain the psychology behind the Freudian slip. I decided to research this phenomenon, because in all of my years navigating love and relationships, I’ve never done this.

There are obvious and glaring signs when someone is still hung up on their ex, and I pay attention to the lay of the land so I don’t miss one.

He still gets genuinely angry and sometimes hurt when he talks of how betrayed he feels by her. I know that if the feelings are still so intense it causes you visible pain to discuss it, the feelings are likely too strong to be involved with someone new.

I asked if he wanted to take a break. Reevaluate.

No hard feelings, we could go back to being friends and pretend the mishap hadn’t occurred. That’s not what he wants, or so I’m told. I’m truly not sure what I believe.

Was it a simple slip of the tongue because he was operating on muscle memory? Or is he looking at me and seeing her face?

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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