Admitting and Healing Rape in the Violator

Friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers have come to me with problems of trauma, suicide, and abuse. I am not a licensed therapist or psychologist. I understand that this qualifies me as a very helpful friend, and not someone who does this work for a living. When people need help, and they are pouring out their troubles to me, I do my best to be a light in the darkness.

I love to help others. Recognizing this gift in myself made me a magnet to people who need help. One time, I was enjoying lunch at a restaurant, when our waitress sat down and started telling me about problems with her son. My girlfriend was amazed. “Does this always happen to you?” she asked. Yes. It did.

The girlfriend I was dating at that time was raped. She was only one of several women who told me they were raped. Two young women discussed their rape with me when we were on a retreat, surrounded be professional therapists. The other women told me about their rape because we were dating. I didn’t date much in my teens, twenties, and thirties, but most of the women I dated were raped.

I didn’t like this. There is a quote from Mother Teresa of Calcutta that reads: “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.” That’s the way I felt. Without the assistance of experienced therapists, I didn’t think I should be giving advice to any of these women, but here they were, opening up to me about their experiences. I didn’t give advice. I listened. I helped them to see the truth. I helped them through the shame and guilt. I showered them with love and security. I helped them to forgive and let go.

Have you ever heard the term forgiveness goes both ways? I believe in this wholeheartedly. Forgiveness on both ends helps humanity move forward at a remarkable speed to prosperity. This is why I would like to discuss healing for the rapist. There are many different categories of rape and perpetrator types. I would like to address the men who have engaged in acquaintance rape and date rape. I want to talk to those who betrayed the trust of women they knew for their own sexual gratification.

I know you have guilt. I know because I have seen the women you violated. They knew you were nice. They trusted you. You might have been impulsive, or you might have been opportunistic, but make no mistake, you raped a woman who did not consent. It is time for you to own up to your actions. It is time for you to see the truth.

You are a rapist. This is very important for you to know, because when you decided to force yourself on this woman in your relationship, or simply through acquaintance, you violated someone who would one day need to heal and talk about her experience to others. That woman shared her experience about you. You are known as a rapist. Don’t run from the truth. Don’t defend your actions. Don’t explain to everyone how much of a nice guy you truly are. You might be a very nice person. That is true. You also raped a woman. That is also very true. There is nothing you can do to erase this. There is only correcting the assault.

You will find healing in forgiveness. You must realize that your actions left an imprint in a woman’s soul, possibly fracturing her trust in men, her future sexual relationships with partners, and her opportunity to truly enjoy the gift of sex. Once you own up to what you’ve done, only then can you truly be sorry. This is where the healing begins.

If you have the courage to tell your victim that you are sorry, you can do so. I mention this idea because I do know of some men and women who have had that conversation, face to face, and it has helped both people heal. I also believe that most men are not going to do so because they are afraid of legal, or violent, retribution. That does not mean the healing has to stop there.

This might help. If you want to do some serious healing, take a moment to be alone. Create a sacred space in a room that can be the groundwork for healing. Take about a half-hour to remain silent with your eyes closed. Ask your ancestors, angels, guides (whatever you might believe in) to be present to help you.

Imagine yourself going deep into your soul, like you are going into a deep, dark cave, or deep into the ocean…really, it’s whatever gets you to the deepest parts of your own soul. Once you find yourself in a place of complete solitude, imagine meeting with the woman you violated. Notice the mood she is feeling. Is she sad? Is she happy? People manage their trauma in different ways, so it can be anything. Look your victim in the eyes and tell her, “I am sorry for what I did to you. I am sorry that I violated you on a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual level. I am sorry. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are healed.”

When you finish saying these things to your victim, turn away from her and look for yourself. You are looking for the failed man you were. He is frightened. He is a coward. He is weak. Now, take him by the hand and tell him, “It’s okay. You no longer have to stay here. I recognize what you have done. It is time to grow. You are now me. We are men of truth, responsibility, and courage.” That older version of you disappears because he is now you. Slowly come back to the surface, which is where you are in your room.

We are all one. We have all heard this, whether it is from quantum physics or a Bob Marley song. Healing the violator helps heal the victim. Forgiveness goes both ways. That is the goal here. Healing. Forgiveness. Finding a way to move forward together in this troubled world. We are all faulted on this earth. There is no magic place on this planet where you will find a human being who is free from wrong-doing. We all have to learn to forgive each other in order to grow. If not, we are simply pushing around the blame, not taking responsibility for what we have done, and not growing as a global community.

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