One of the most difficult things I’ve had to navigate is my relationship with my immigrant parents. Over the past years of unlearning and relearning with therapy and difficult conversations, I’ve had to process some unpleasant truths and emotions — the start of my healing journey. On top of that, I grew up with immigrant parents who did not always understand or know how to best communicate with me.
I am grateful to be close to my two younger brothers. Often, we can relate to one another, especially our childhood experiences with laughter, awe, and understanding.
I’ve heard someone say, “Your relationship with your parents gets bad before it becomes really good.”
I think this is true. (Note: I am not referring to abusive relationships in this case).
From my personal experiences as a 1.5-generation Chinese American dealing with the intergenerational gap, cultural divide, and immigrant experience, I’ve learned to accept and let go of things to heal my relationship with my parents.
Here are 5 things I wished someone had told me earlier.
Your parents express their love in different ways.
Over the years, I’ve learned to let go of the fact that my parents will never say “I love you” to me. That’s because their parents never said it to them either.
Instead, this is how they express their affection towards me:
- Cutting up and serving me plates of fruits
- Asking if I’ve eaten yet
- Cooking me delicious meals
- Telling me to wear more clothes every time I go out
As you can see, my parents’ love language is food.
Sometimes, your parents may never understand.
As much as I want my parents to understand, approve of, and respect my decisions, I have to accept that sometimes, they just can’t.
This may be due to a combination of factors: the values and way in which they were raised and instilled, the cultural divide, language barriers, and communication.
It hurts to think your loved ones may never understand, but it is okay to “agree to disagree.”
A part of growing up means making your own decisions — and assuming the responsibility for the risks that come with them.
This looks like trusting we want the best for one another — and ourselves and doing what we can to ensure that.
This looks like taking steps toward things we want from life.
While this may mean “agreeing to disagree” or completely disagreeing, I hope that with time, your actions will show otherwise.
You are not responsible for how your parents choose to think, act, or feel
I grew up with parents who placed the family first and raised us with collectivist values. This looked like sacrificing their own needs by placing ours first — and doing whatever they could to ensure we lived a better life than theirs.
Often, this translates to unspoken expectations of needing to return the “favor” and an enormous pressure to succeed. Even subtle things like moving out can elicit an enormous amount of guilt because you’re leaving the household and that can feel like you’re not caring for your parents anymore.
However, it is important to consider and name another unspoken expectation: you want the best for one another and for both parties to be healthy and happy.
Moreover, you cannot be happy if you keep living in the shadows of another.
Being kind to yourself is learning to set boundaries and enforce them, including around your loved ones.
You are still loving or can love from a distance no matter what others think or feel regardless.
Your parents will not change.
Everyone is stubborn and has their way of doing things, including your parents.
It doesn’t matter if you told them it’s easier to make a list of the things they have to do rather than solely relying on memory — forgetting afterward — and turning to you for help.
Or refusing to do autopay because it’s “safer” and “easier” to receive paper statements and pay by check instead.
Or better yet: you want to spend time with them so you accompany them to the grocery shop, but your parents leave you in the car and make you watch it so that they won’t have to feed the meter.
Your parents grew up in a different country with a different set of cultural cues and codes. They managed in a completely new country — and survived.
Accept that your parents have their way — regardless of right or wrong in approaching life.
They will stick to it.
Their way of life = their values, beliefs, and traditions.
Your parents are proud of you.
I’ve always wanted my parents to tell me how proud they are of me, or how much they loved me.
Of course, I didn’t get any sort of outward comment or praise.
They may not admit it, but your parents are proud of you.
Many are rooting for you and hoping you will succeed.
You should be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come.
To summarize, here are 5 things I accepted to heal my relationship with my parents:
- Your parents love in different ways
- Your parents may never understand you and that’s okay
- You are not responsible for how your parents behave
- Your parents will not change
- Your parents are proud of you
Best wishes for your healing journey and relationships ❤
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Kevin Delvecchio on Unsplash
