Here’s How Not to Buy or Lease a New Car

Do Not go into the dealership two months before you pay off your current car. I don’t care how many times the salesman emails, texts, and calls you because he sold you the last one and knows your lease is expiring. Just say no.

When you do go to the dealership two months before paying off your car, Do Not plan to be there for 3-and-a-half hours. Don’t pack a lunch or bring your laptop so you can work. In no way give any indication you have time to take test drives and discuss financing.

When you test drive the new car, Do Not allow the salesman to direct you onto the freeway. If you do, you’ll find out how powerful the new engine is in the new car, as you gleefully pass all the fools in rush hour traffic going the actual speed limit — as if that were a thing.

Definitely Do Not test drive a second new car that is less expensive than the first one.

It will have fewer features — no sun roof, no fancy projection of the speed limit and the speed you are going right in front of you on the inside of the windshield— and will pale in comparison to the first one, even though they’re both Soul Red. Plus, though not a clunker, it will be clunkier than the speed machine you drove just before.

Whatever you do after driving the two new cars — one far better, cooler, and faster than the other — Do Not let the salesman introduce you to the person who checks your credit and sees what kind of deal they can make you on the car you prefer, that is several thousand dollars more than the one you currently have.

When that person shows you the deal they can make, which includes “forgiving” your final two payments, no down payment, and a monthly payment that is only $3 over your current payment even though you were planning to spend less on your next car, DO NOT show your astonishment and pleasure at such an amazing deal.

After reading the offer, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, sign the offer and allow the salesman to take it to the person who handles financing. She will be kind, friendly, and like you — a woman. She will also drive the same car herself and loves it.

No matter what other sweetheart package she recommends adding to the original purchase/lease, Do Not listen.

Ignore her suggestion of a $699 add-on policy that will cover maintenance for three years, along with coverage of minor dings, dents and other whoopsies, while only adding another $6 a month to your lease payment.

Stop your ears and sing Born to Run at the top of your mental lungs when she tells you the policy also covers all potential mechanical issues.

Give her the side-eye when she says if you have an issue with the policy to come see her and she’ll walk you through the process to get everything tip-top, including taking pictures of any aforementioned dings, dents or whoopsies. Do Not let on what a relief it is to hear she will be on your side.

Do Not go out to where the salesman pulls your aging-by-the-minute three-years-“old” car around next to the tantalizing new car you are being offered a good deal on, and says he will happily help you clean it out and transfer everything to the new car.

Try Not to breathe heavily with attraction when he also offers to throw away anything in your current — rapidly becoming former — car you don’t want, because Acts of Service are your love language.

Watch with love eyes as he removes the bag of trash you’ve been filling for the last 7,000 miles, the stash of empty water bottles under the seats, business cards from people you don’t remember, used floss, the walker you don’t need since your broken ankles healed, and various other flotsam and jetsam.

Do Not listen when he says you can call or text him anytime, day or night, if you remember anything you may have left behind, such as expensive lipsticks and your favorite Bad Bunny sunglasses. Do text him at 10:00 p.m. when you’re listening to Bad Bunny and realize what you left behind.

No matter what else you do, RESIST signing the lease agreement.

After signing the lease agreement, Do Not get into the new car. Do Not adjust the seats exactly to your height and comfort. Do Not check out all the bells and whistles. Literal bells and whistles in calming tones that alert you when to fasten your seatbelt, when a car next to you, in front of you, or behind you is too close, or when you’re about to change lanes without signaling.

Do Not notice that these calm tones are so much better than the loud dinging your current car does, which makes you jump out of your seat every time, which is definitely not a safety feature for your mental health.

Do Not even think about tailgating, as the new car will brake for you if it senses, — within its all-knowing Soul Red energy field — that you are about to crawl up the back of the car in front of you.

Do Not marvel at the sharper-than-life back-up camera which sees behind, above, and around corners. Do Not try the rear windshield wipers at their highest speed when there’s only a mist because you’ve never had rear windshield wipers before, and never knew how very much you needed them until now.

Do Not drive that Soul Red new car home and park it in your driveway where the neighbors can see it, and where you can admire it every time you look out the window or leave the house.

Do Not make a promise to yourself or to the innocent new car that you will keep it pristine, unmarked and un-dinged, clean and uncluttered inside, washed and shiny on the outside, for at least the three years of this lease.

Don’t do it, because you know you’re lying to yourself and to the new car, just as you have to all the new and certified pre-owned cars before. Soul Red or not.

—

This post was previously published on MuddyUm.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

You Said ‘Race’, but Are You Actually Talking About Race?

Understanding the Nonbinary: Are You Confusing Gender With Sex?

The Difference Between Compassion for Those With Disabilities & Ableism?

‘Masculinity’ Is Having an Identity Crisis