The Heroes of Our Stories

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Sexual violence is always an assault on a victim’s sense of their own power. When a sexual violence survivor reveals their ordeal to you, one of the most healing things you can do is help them recast themselves as the hero in their story. (Hint: they are!)

The ordeal of violence does not act in solitary to impact the victim’s life. The ordeal and the response the victim receives can shift their trajectory. Some responses extend the trauma; some heal.

I have endured two instances of sexual violence in my life that left me feeling defeated. In truth, I was the hero in both of these stories but it took long years before I would see it.

In the first instance, I was restrained, choked, and sexually attacked by a fellow student until the sound of footsteps nearby panicked him and he let me go.

Many listened, spoke, and acted with kindness. However, they made one unwitting mistake when they repeated, “You’re so lucky you weren’t raped.” This sentiment came from a great sense of relief that I was spared even worse but there were problems with that statement too. It felt like a call to gratitude when I had none to give for that night. It spurred a sense of hopelessness too. If not being raped was “lucky” for me, I wasn’t sure I could face the future.

Most importantly, “You’re so lucky you weren’t raped,” wasn’t factual. I wasn’t a totally ineffectual victim who was saved from worse by “luck”. I was saved from worse, at least in part, by me. Like all victims, I followed instinct and quick thinking to optimize my chance of survival and, in this case, slow down the progression of his attack. I physically resisted his efforts to restrain me and tear open my shirt, with all my strength and for almost an hour.

The account of my resistance made little impression on those who I spoke to. The sole rescuing factor that they perceived was the chance footsteps of a stranger. After sexual violence, it is common for victims to feel absolute powerlessness, regardless of the fact that we employed a variety of strategies to defend our minds and bodies from the attack being waged. Victims invariably fight for themselves, be it by active or passive means, but many of us don’t see what is consistent and obvious. My sense of powerlessness was unwittingly reinforced by people who loved me but didn’t know how to see me as anything other than a hapless victim.

Six years later, on the other side of the world, I was revisited by violence but this time my efforts to defend myself were recognized and reflected back to me with less delay. This altered my trajectory in a positive way.

I was raped by a group of men. I employed my physical strength to resist being undressed. I employed my intellectual strength to trick the lead assailant into an error that might have but ultimately failed to put me in touch with outside help. I employed my tenacity to keep pleading “no” and “please stop” during rape after rape. I employed my most basic psychological survival skills when I ceased vocal resistance and contracted my consciousness to a poppy seed in my gut to mentally take shelter from what was inescapable and unbearable.

After the second incident of violence, I found a way to see my part in both the attacks that I could grow from. A wise woman helped me to see what most of us are conditioned not to see: the commendable struggle of victims to rescue ourselves. It is the degree of our determination which tells the story of our courage.

I was never a hapless victim. I valiantly fought for myself. All victims do. See it. Express your recognition of it. Whether it is a physical fight, freezing, feigning allegiance with our attacker to gain trust and escape, negotiating, cooperating, passing out or any other response – it is a victim using whatever power they have to best defend their physical and psychological well-being, and often their life (see endnote).

If someone raw with pain and sense of powerlessness tells you of their ordeal, reaffirm their sense of power and help them shape rightful pride in themselves by highlighting the actions they took to preserve and protect what is most precious – themselves. Reflect their courage back to them because they likely cannot see it. Thank them for protecting the person you so treasure. Help them recast themselves as the hero of their story because that is truly who they are.

Endnote:
Allow me to quickly address fearing for one’s life during sexual violence. As outsiders to a violent incident, we enjoy hindsight. We tend only to consider lethal intent if the victim is killed or escapes a clear attempt on their life.

For the victim under attack, their perspective may be different. During the ordeal, the attacker is demonstrating that they have no respect for the law or the most foundational rules of civilized society and that normal human empathy is not a restraining force for them. The attacker may verbally or physically threaten their victim’s life or they might make it apparent that they derive pleasure from seeing the victim’s domination and pain. In such circumstances, the victim has no assurance of where the attacker’s dangerous desire ends. During attack, a victim may legitimately fear escalation to lethal violence.
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