He’s Back, Now What?

Here it is, the moment you’ve been waiting for. The moment you’ve been dreaming about… He’s back. His arms wide open. He made a mistake. He wants you back; he wants you to take him back.

What’s the answer?

What’s the first thing that popped into your mind? First emotion that burst through your cracked heart?

Were you happy? Sad? Glad? Mad? Which was it? Or was it all of the above?

I mean, you’ve dreamt of this moment a thousand times, a million times…

I guess you can never be fully prepared for something like this. In the affairs of the heart, there is no logic or rationality; in that moment, it’s just what is, and what isn’t…

“I’m sorry, I owe you an apology; life just hit me hard since we last spoke. Can I call you to talk this through?”

My heart sank.

I was doing better… I was doing okay, taking each day as it came, and feeling stronger for it.

I wasn’t prepared, I didn’t believe he cared enough to come back. That’s what I told my friend during one of our many discussions about him.

I asked her that question one day before this happened. If she would have taken hers back if he came knocking as a completely changed person and if she wasn’t currently with someone.

This was her response:

‘No, I honestly wouldn’t. Looking back, I don’t recognise the person I became during that time. I remember not being able to function properly and being on auto-pilot when I was at work. He completely shattered me…’

I remember when he came back. I was floored. Packing up for the day and checking my phone absentmindedly, and my eyes zeroing in on his name…

My jaw dropping, heart stopping, my mind blank.

I messaged my friend; she kept telling me he’d come back. I told her although hers may have, mine wouldn’t, he didn’t care enough about me.

‘Remember that feeling when you felt like it was ending, when you felt unstable. Do you want that to come back? Do you still want to be with him?’

That’s the big question really, isn’t it?

So, let me ask you, do you still want to be with him?

It would have to depend on the reason you separated in the first place.

Did he cheat?

Did it fizzle?

Lack of effort was the one for me.

I mean it had been three weeks, almost a month, of no contact. I went through all the stages of emotion: grief, blame, acceptance…

So, I thought about it rationally, like an equation, trying to find the ‘right’ answer.

I was a different person now, and I would be different this time round IF I allowed it to happen.

I would go slowly, be friends first because I needed him to prove he can put effort in. I was finally finding my inner peace after ages, and if he was going to try to disturb that again by giving this another go, it was going to be on my terms and I was going to be damn sure he was worth it.

But it all depended on his behaviour, and this time round, I’d run if I saw a red flag.

Define your boundaries

I put my boundaries down the first time round, I wanted to make him happy. I was willing to make myself uncomfortable in order to make him happy. Mistake 1.

Having boundaries ensures you are less likely to get hurt, because it protects you from being mistreated, or feeling uncomfortable. It is your comfort level and level of safety that you should prioritise and if someone tries to blur that, you need to voice your boundary.

That’s a scary concept for me, being a people pleaser. However, after the hurt I endured, I realise how important it is. I should have said that certain things made me feel uncomfortable, instead of swallowing that and putting their needs above my own.

Sometimes people feel like if they can get away with pushing a boundary, they will, because it means it wasn’t a boundary with you.

By defining your boundary, you are allowing them to understand how you would like to be treated, especially if it’s the second time round. Plus you have less feelings this time round, so you should be more okay in vocalising your needs when you may not have felt comfortable enough to the first time.

Do they tick your boxes?

Sometimes we fall into relationships with certain people that we wouldn’t have chosen if we read their profile on paper instead of meeting them.

For example, you may have thought you’d always like someone who worked in science, like me. You want to peruse research papers with them, and delve into scientific discussions with them. However, the person in question isn’t in your field. That was your compromise, to look at their redeeming qualities.

But really, what are their redeeming qualities?

What are the things that make them complementary to your personality, to who you are as a person?

Good looks and getting along can only go so far. What are the actual things you have in common and is it enough?

Clearly it wasn’t enough the first time round, and before you get wrapped into the emotional turmoil that comes with relationships, you get to rationally see what boxes they actually tick.

What will be different this time round and why?

Why will it be different now? This is a discussion which requires having before getting into any type of entanglement with the person.

What has changed? Let’s say he has a permanent job now, and so he has the security he needs in order to give you the security you need. He couldn’t be what you needed before, but he can now because he has more security in his life, in order to be someone you can rely on.

Is that enough for you? And let’s say his job was made redundant, what would happen then? Would he revert back to ignoring you in order to focus on himself? What can you expect this time round?

And lastly, make him work for it!

He did you wrong, he disturbed your peace and then left you to pick yourself back up and deal with the aftermath. And now he wants to come back and disturb your peace again. You need to see if he is worth it.

If the issue was lack of effort, you need to determine his level of effort since you reconnected, and just re-build a healthier, more honest friendship before you feel comfortable enough to consider him romantically again.

This is such a difficult and defining moment. Some people would say, there’s a reason you’re not together, and to never look back.

I think humans and situations are a little more nuanced and intricate than that. It’s easy to have an unbending rule, but we don’t always act accordingly, and we may not have made the decision they did, but we can empathise with making mistakes. It’s a human characteristic, after all.

And I never wanted to look back and think, what if?

By entertaining his return a little, I could understand the reason behind what he did, and know it wasn’t my fault. Even though, we all know rationally it wasn’t, but when you’re so emotionally involved, and they’re not there to blame, it’s easier to blame yourself.

And if it works out, you’ll be so happy, and you’ll look back on this moment as the turning point. And if it doesn’t, at least you have closure, and you can close this chapter fully, and move onto the actual main lead of your story…

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Previously published on medium

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