Dr. Adam Sheck recently turned 55, and wonders what new responsibilities he has now that he is an elder.
I recently turned 55 and am really wondering, how did I get to be so bleeping old!?
In my head I’m most often 25, sometimes 35 and when I’m forced to be mature, possibly 45. But 55 is really old, at least according to my 25-year-old self.
Being on the planet for over half a century is crazy and fascinating and bizarre and absolutely something to be grateful for, given the finality of the alternative. Yet, it completely stuns me when I contemplate it.
The question I have been asking myself is, “Am I an elder, or am I just getting older?”
In most of the communities I play in, men after fifty are considered elders. I’m part of a men’s group which is comprised entirely of men after fifty, an “elder group” if you will. Now these guys are really old, and help me realize that I’m only just starting out on this “elder” path.
♦◊♦
“Elder” comes from the Old English word, eldra, which refers to a parent or other older person. In 1875 in Britain, the Friendly Societies Act defined old age as “any age after 50” though back then, that was pretty close to death.
Webster isn’t of much help either on defining an elder as:
- of earlier birth or greater age.
- of or relating to earlier time.
- prior or superior in rank, office, or validity
In many traditions, an elder is a person who deserves respect and honor. Did they earn it though or they simply “deserve” it for surviving for so long?
Their role in the community is to remember the past and synthesize wisdom from those experiences and generate a legacy for the future generations. An elder holds wisdom and has something to give back, to teach, to share.
Does our society respect or even want access to wisdom? Does being an elder even mean anything in society anymore? Especially where I live, the youth oriented City of fallen angels, Los Angeles?
Successful aging here means that you look significantly younger than your age, participate in physical activities that younger people engage in, inject poisons into your forehead and possibly have sex with partners in your adult children’s peer group. And of course, the most important rule about aging: deny, deny, deny!
While I am blessed with good DNA and can look ten years younger than my age in bad lighting, the rest of it isn’t that appealing to me.
♦◊♦
I’ve worked damn hard to get to where I am today: physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. While I may act like a teenager at times and fail miserably when I try not to gawk too blatantly at pretty young things, I want more in my life than the deep superficiality of the Californication of aging.
I don’t even really like the word “elder” though I’m sure I will grow into it eventually. In the meantime, part of being an elder is to accept that I am getting older.
People that say, “You’re only as old as you feel” are full of shit in my opinion. Appearances to the contrary, my body feels its age, particularly first thing in the morning as I roll out of bed.
My body is beginning to break down in small ways, as it moves towards the final entropy of death. I take care of myself as best I can, while at the same time I understand and accept that most likely, I have less time left on the planet than I have lived on it to date.
Of course, part of aging is dealing with that death thing. How does an elder face this existential issue? To be honest, the idea of death doesn’t particularly frighten me. The idea of a painful death doesn’t thrill me, but I don’t think that makes me unusual.
I have witnessed my share of deaths over the years, and perhaps that the price of longevity, and an entry fee into elderhood. Each time that I have held a loved one’s body while they left it, I have known without a doubt that we are more than our bodies, that something continues on past the survival of the shell.
Despite all of that, I am not really curious about the afterlife and where the soul goes when it leaves the shell. I’m not at the place where I need that sense of knowing. Dealing with my life right now is more than enough to handle; it has enough surprises and joys and delights and tragedies to experience and grow from.
That might change as I get closer to my final breaths, assuming that I will have sufficient warning time. For now, I leave it up to others to argue over whatever mythology makes them the most comfortable, that brings them the most support in facing death.
♦◊♦
So what have I learned from being on the planet half a century? I’ve learned to connect to myself a little bit more. I’ve learned not to take most of it too seriously. I’ve learned that I don’t have all the time in the world and that I must push myself out of my comfort zone in order to live a more meaningful life.
I’ve learned that meaning and purpose, what I call “mission”, is what I want to be the driver of the rest of my life. To me, mission is what gives me ongoing fulfillment and joy, much more so than the sensations of the moment… though those are good, too.
The bottom line is that I feel much more like an elder in training then a full-fledged one, maybe more like a mini-elder. Time is marching on. I’m growing as an elder, as a man and as a man who has something to contribute to the planet.
Back to the question, “Am I an elder or just getting older?” My answer is a resounding, “Yes!”
To be continued …
J.A.,
You should probably visit my site at http://www.thepassiondoctor.com; with quips like that you MIGHT not stay married too long 😉
Adam
Well that quip was just the tip of the iceberg- if I weren’t in the midst of a divorce from her you could put me up on the suicide piece…. Of course prior to that, I had observed after the guys went to a combo bait store & strip club, in a place where the men were men & so were the women- if I want to see a woman who has no business taking off her clothes in public- I’d have stayed home. And my damned neighbor had a few beers and told the story, the whole story, at… Read more »
Or you could get caught repeating my quip- turning 45isn’t so bad, it’s being married to a 45 year old woman that I find upsetting…..
Being one age and feeling another is exactly where my head is at. It’s not until I look in a mirror that my true age shows itself. So I just stay away from mirrors. Of course the body aches sometimes remind me as well. Had a nice compliment the other day .. a women I work with said I look like a “young” Kenny Rogers. I guess I won’t be touching up my beard any time soon. 😉
Tom,
Good for you. Sometimes I believe that age is just a number, sometimes I think that is just bullshit and sometimes none of it matters, as it simply is what it is. I LOVED it when grey came into my beard, gave me the illusion of wisdom that I still look forward to accruing.
Take care,
Adam
Happy birthday Doc. (and many more)
As a fifty something I am learning that in the job market you are an “elder”…but have to rev yourself up as a twentysomething. Oh well, got to get in better shape for sure.
Thanks Tom. It’s a competitive world, no doubt. My focus has always been to compete where I’m strong and have the edge. I’m grateful to have chosen a field where the longer you practice, the better you are at it.
Take care,
Adam
Andy,
Congrats on hitting that mystical age of 69!
Finding/creating your path is valid at any age. With time, I believe we may tend to focus more on being true to ourselves than to the outside world. Regarding the term, “elder” I must admit it still makes me uncomfortable in my “elder men’s group” which is a big part of why I wrote this piece, to explore it for myself. And I’m quite grateful for the conversation we are starting here.
Might make a good Google Hangout, have to mention it to Justin.
Thanks so much,
Adam
I just turned 69 and can vouch for the fact that what other people think of you or call you is completely irrelevant. The only thing that matters is being true to yourself. For some this means service in their families, communities or on the bigger world stage. For some it means following an artistic muse. For some it means withdrawing from the world into a life of contemplation. Different strokes for different folks. Even thinking about whether others consider you an elder is ego-based and ultimately unhealthy.
Hi Adam. Great story, Thanks. Among runners we say, “You don’t stop running because you get old – you get old because you stop running.” For me, growing older is all about growth, not getting older. We grow with experience, with all the shit we did and with all the fun we had, and with no destination in sight. Ok, at some point it’s party over, but I don’t care. There’s life to live beforehand, whether you’re 20 or 80. Just keep running. And fuck those who dream about retiring!
Marc,
As I recently wrote in my Facebook Page:
Sheck Formula For Success:
1. Put one foot in front of the other.
2. Repeat!
I love what I do, so I agree, fuck retirement. Men retire then seem to die. Might be a good article idea, thanks.
Adam
Thanks for your thoughts. Having been born in 1958 myself, I read them with great interest and identification. Looking forward to the continuation!
Tomas,
Congratulations on being born in the BEST year 🙂
Glad you can relate and hoping that we can all stick together in this.
Take care,
Adam
I think you can go with the ‘superior validity’ option. Humbly, of course 😉
Kim,
Thanks for sharing, we ALL want some validation if not “validity” if you know what I mean 😉
Adam
Art,
I’ll refrain from the cliches about youth being wasted on the young, just pisses me off that I didn’t figure that one out a few decades ago 😉
I appreciate your resonance with this topic and look forward to starting a discussion about it here and on my website. The idea of the onion rings true and I continue to be as much surprised at what peels as well as what remains at the core.
Thanks so much for sharing,
Adam
What you have written here really resonates with me (just a little further down the years). When I am reminded of my age, I am astonished and slightly amazed. I feel that we grow less like a tree and more like an onion, adding another layer, another version of self on the already existing ones. Even though my death is a closer (& a little too closer two years ago), I am, like you, remarkably uncurious about what (if anything) happens after. My only intention is to make a good death, whatever that may be in the circumstances. Finally, for… Read more »
I am 55 too, so welcome to 55. I think one of the disturbing things about getting older (for me anyway) is the loss of cultural context, and therefore having to explain ‘set pieces’ you have used your whole life. I recently tried to explain a local spoof on Cleveland TV which was aired way back in the day, humorously titled “Parma Place”– to some young people… and I realized that if you didn’t know what “Peyton Place” was, you certainly won’t get the joke “Parma Place” . “Parma Place” also started out with polka music (instead of that staid… Read more »
Daisy,
It IS a dilemma. I think I kept current in cultural contexts for awhile by virtue of connecting with my daughter and her peer group. Now that she is 19 and out of the house, it is tougher to keep up. The other day it amazed me to listen to a song and recognize that I first heard it 40 years ago! Now THAT is crazy 🙂
Take care,
Adam
Whatever happened to the line about you dabbling in tantra “just enough” to be dangerous?
Gint,
It’s more true than ever. I have SO many identities and bios, perhaps it just got lost in the shuffle. Just wrote something about intimacy that you might like for your marriage-minded folks.
Adam
My original first line was, “I recently turned 55 and am really wondering, how did I get to be so f*&%$ing old!?” My beloved editor felt that some of you might be turned off by semi-profanity in the first line, and I trust her implicitly.” Being an older/elder man now, felt it would be good to give you both versions, especially now that you’ve read the piece. I sincerely hope you can adjust 🙂
Adam Sheck
My original first line was, “I recently turned 55 and am really wondering, how did I get to be so f*&%$ing old!?”
well i prefer that as an opening line. however ive always seen things differently, so the editor’s view was probably closer to the people at large