Damien Bohler sets forth on a journey of self-discovery in trying to find his authentic self, and a truly authentic relationship, with the help of dating expert Shana James.
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As I sat on the bus, tears rolling down my cheeks and not bothering to wipe them away in an utter denial of the convention that seems to say that crying is something to be hidden, I realized that I was at an impasse.
I made a decision early this year that I cannot, and will not, settle for anything less than that which most inspires me.
My tears were brought about by remembering being 8 years old, and how the anonymous note I had written expressing my undying love for a fellow classmate had been discovered. Her sister was aggressively exploring the classroom for the author of such words and my shy little boy eyes watched the object of my affection in muted terror as her sister compared the note to my handwriting on the story I was currently working on. As it dawned on my sweet love that it could have been me who wrote the letter I distinctly remember, etched deep into my heart, the expression of revulsion that appeared on her face as if she was possessed by some grotesque monster from my worst nightmares.
That was my first rejection, followed by others in middle school years. Those rejections hurt, and unfortunately defined me in a lasting way. I think I must have been around 12 or 13 when I internally, and unconsciously, made a decision that I would avoid expressing, or even feeling, my attraction for the kind of woman that I actually secretly most desired.
Which brings me to the night before this tear-stricken bus journey when, sitting on a cold ledge waiting for my bus home, I half mumbled half blurted out “I want to wake up next to you in the morning” to the woman I was with.
During the phone calls and texts after our first date, I had the distinct desire arise in me that I wanted to wake up next to this woman and enjoy that morning-after playful silliness that I imagined was possible with her. I considered that this would be an exciting and lovely thing to share with her, but I kept my thought inside throughout our second date. I was distracted the entire time, fixated on delivering my sweet message and absolutely missing everything that was going on right there and then between us. Until, on that cold ledge, I got the opportunity to say my piece. By then had lost all of its juice. She seemed to be confused and feeling slightly awkward, my beautifully intentioned statement completely missing any hoped-for response.
I went home alone that night, and when I woke the next morning I was that little boy again.
It was not that she had greeted me with revulsion. It was not that what I was wanting did not occur. It was the very act of saying it—the action of going to an edge of something I had long ago shut down access to and then jumping off it. My jump was far from graceful and the distinct feeling was of leaving the ledge only to decide once in the air that I didn’t want to jump anymore, turn around and grab a tree root sticking out the side of the cliff to be left dangling in the air wailing that I did not want to let go, that the unknown was too scary for me!
It was too late though, really I had been standing on that ledge for a while now and what was behind me was no longer an option. Despite my insides screaming at me to run away and hide, to disappear into the mountains or perhaps to find some monastery where I could live out my life as a celibate monk, it is obvious to me now that the growth I am so intensely passionate about is wrapped up in this ability to freely and fully express myself, and in this case; sexually and sensually with those women I find most attractive.
♦◊♦
My upcoming series of blog posts will be an exploration of my process within the context of dating and relationships. It’s a story of commitment to growth, and I sincerely wish it to be an inspiration and a message to any and all that points to an alternative, an unknown free from the conditioning heaped upon us during our youth, that we can have what we most desire in a way that benefits everyone and the larger world—whatever that looks like for us—and that we all have the potential to cultivate the freedom and courage to explore it.
My starting point: A 32 year old Australian man I have been in two mid-term relationships both rife with problems, mainly a restless pushing by me to impose the shape, form and nature of the relationship I was most wanting onto these beautiful, sweet women and then losing sight of the opportunity to fully appreciate where we were. On either sides of these relationships has been a string of one night to two week stands mostly while traveling,and many of which I feel shame about due to not being open and clear with my intentions, and even in some cases having sex when I did not truly want to.
Somehow I missed the whole dating scene,and my paradigm until now has been of rapid sex or long investments, both coupled with keeping my true thoughts and feelings to myself.
And guys, we all have our stories and we have all been conditioned by our upbringing and societies. Regardless of whether mine is similar or different than yours I fully believe there is always an opportunity to transform our experience into something deeper, richer and more nourishing.
In this exploration I am privileged and humbled by the opportunity to work with the radiant Shana James, who will coach, support and offer guidance to me on unveiling the possibilities and potentials of Conscious Dating by replying to my articles with a woman’s perspective and tips that I hope all of us men can use in discovering the freedom in dating and relationships that we all desire.
The above story will be the first in an ongoing series of exploration and for me I am excited to see where it goes because I have no idea what comes next!
Damien,
Thank you for your courage! I think it is so brave to be willing to be seen with tears streaming down your face, in public, especially as a man.
I wish it wasn’t a brave act. I wish we all walked around showing what is behind our masks– men and women both. (To the skeptics, yes there are times to pull it together and get work done, but most of us are so hidden these days that we suffer from feeling unseen.)
Working with men and women for the past decade, I am still amazed that women need almost as much support in being vulnerable and showing their emotions as men do. Men are conditioned to hide more, but it is a shared reality we face these days.
Thinking about you as a young boy with your secret crush, I imagined your humiliation. I felt compassion for you. I realized what an honor it is to be an ally to men. I am inspired to help you release your stories and ideas about yourself and women so you feel at ease, able to be yourself, and recognize your amazingness.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeAs a woman I have a longing for men to feel relaxed and empowered around me, so we can play together, grow together, face challenge together and create exquisite intimacy together! I can do it on my own but I’d rather not.
One last thought… I imagined being the little girl in your story. I shaped my face into the revulsion you described. Then I wondered how much of that face had to do with what she felt inside and how much had to do with the peer pressure she felt. It’s so easy to interprete a face from the outside with a totally different meaning than what’s going on inside; and then construct “realities” based on this that limit your freedom and ability to love and be loved.
Here are some opportunities to consider:
1. You don’t actually know: You really can’t assume to know what a woman is thinking, even if it seems obvious. If it happens from now on, get curious and ask. If it was in the past, let yourself off the hook for the stories you may have made up about what is wrong with you. Your assumptions are not necessarily true.
2. It’s not personal: Just because a woman responds to you in a certain way doesn’t mean her response has a lot to do with you. We all have past experiences that current situations evoke, as much as we try to stay in the present. Start to take in women’s responses without dropping them into the “this is what’s wrong with me” bucket. Consider that even if she is frustrated, angry, hurt or upset it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.
3. There is something to learn: While it’s not personal, a woman’s response to you is, in part, a result of your actions or your way of being. When you can stay undefended her response is an invitation to step into more integrity, power and truth. Since this is the man you want to be anyway, you win. Even if it stings to hear it from her, use her response as a means to grow.
I am honored to support you on this journey.
Best,
Shana
Stay tuned for more from Damien and Shana in this series in finding authenticity in dating!
Photo: Flickr/Emily Hildebrand
Sorry, are the three “opportunities to consider” being presented as mutually exclusive alternatives? Because 3 directly contradicts 2. If you’re rejected over something about you, then hey presto – it’s personal.
That said, this is the sort of writing about male sexuality/feelings/rejection I’d love to see more of on this site, so good job Damien.
You can consider each on its own. Yes #2 and #3 contradict each other, but I do think peoples’ responses to us are both personal and not. Perhaps the word personal is the source of confusion.
“It’s not personal” refers to the idea that just because you get a negative response from someone it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. AND, in my experience, when I am courageous enough to consider what could be true about someone’s response I tend to learn something about myself!
@OirishM: When Shana speaks of “opportunities”, I think she offers them as learning/growth perspectives. They are fresh ways of looking at an old story, rather than a set of choices of action.