(Editor’s note: This is part 2 of a series. Read part 1.)
After the war, the mystical lessons I experienced with the Beatnik Tantra teacher provided me the “cosmic sugar” necessary to understand the importance of integrating mind, body, and soul. This particular pleasure lacked unhealthy pressure and I was able to just relax. I did not have to hide things from this woman who happened to be my teacher.
The tantric experience allowed me to leave Iraq behind me for a short period of time. I was able to think about my future and my desire to pursue doctoral studies. Also, I was able to enjoy the presence of a woman without risking that she was the enemy. My teacher led me to understand a part of myself that was lost in Iraq. Tantra was not about the chasing of orgasm of going on a mission. Tantra is not even about chasing an orgasm at all.
There was no chase between my teacher and me. It was just a Heideggerian unfolding of two souls connected as human beings. We were not the same age and there was limited compatibility between us. I was not into Peter, Paul and Mary cassettes and my teacher did not like my taste for Rage Against the Machine. What we did have in common was the same goal: We wanted the best for each other. We moved in the same direction.
The tantric union kept things sacred and casual; it was deep, yet truly left to the moment without designs of the future. Courting demands were not made because we were securely attached beings. We were two lovers facing each other, but on separate spiritual paths to an integrated sense of ecstasy.
The tantric experience had no room for “the friend zone.” There was no room for “benching” (keeping someone around until the so-called better catch showed up). There was no “freckling” (a summer romance with an end date within the season). There was no “breadcrumbing” (offering bits and pieces of your schedule without consideration for the other). There was no ghosting (when a lover just disappears without warning)… and so on.
There was no need to claim the title boyfriend or girlfriend in this unique union. There was no need to obsess over what a lover did when not together. In India, I found a man who told me that truth rests in “what is not.” The authentic gurus understand the truth in “what is not” as “Neti, Neti.” When I pursued studies as a friar monk, I learned that Western spirituality had a similar practice called the via negativa.
My experience in cosmic sugar was not a secret, but it was private. I did not share so much with my friends because I wanted to maintain a level of clarity and truth to the brief special affair that unfolded in my life after Iraq. I did not want rumors to spread; I did not want to be judged and I did not seek Dr. Phil advice from my friends.
Tantra provided a freedom. With my teacher, if we cancelled on each other, it was cool; life happens and people are not possessions. My teacher and I began and ended our relationship in a state of calm. We left each other with the understanding that intimacy between us could return. Possibilities! This was right for a veteran in transition from leaving a monastery to pursue a war zone.
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After my teacher, my dating reality turned into a less than freeing experience. There were many women who urged me to follow these binary options: “marriage and children” or “hook up.” Why was there no middle ground in dating?
Faux dating experiences became the norm for me. Whatever happened to authenticity? The lack of authenticity is more about mass culture than blaming women. Dating has turned into fabricated red flags, champagne problems (as they say in Texas), and the misuse of clinical terms like “boundaries” and “projecting.” Look what’s out there steering the dating world. Books, television shows and movies like The Rules, Sex and the City, Men’s Fitness Relationships Advice Section, The Game, and 50 Shades Darker. Some women have criticized me for telling them my truth of being a veteran in transition. My return fire involved criticizing them for letting mass culture dating approaches possess their minds. Lose (Me)/Lose (Them). It is not about being right, but more about pursuing authenticity in the dating game.
I have tried to share my Iraq truth with many women. This would lead to rejection. My lovers would share their harsh experiences of abuse by their families or Exes. Why didn’t my lovers give me space to share my truth? I didn’t want to hide. The reality: I was forced to hide war from my lover. Is there not room for empathy, redemption or forgiveness in all stories of truth? Why couldn’t assumptions and fears be surrendered in the name of compassion and authenticity?
These days, I still seek to recapture the tantric experience I once experienced, but have fallen short. I once dated a Hamptons-obsessed woman who hired a spiritual teacher to Skype her a fix of intimacy each day. She liked the Latino Asian warrior with Swiss loafers; but, this high end lawyer was all about the Hamptons and not much else. And I was not into 2.5 hour commutes to the beach.
My son’s mom is a great woman; sadly, I met her when I returned from Iraq and I was raw from the Badlands. We wanted different things. I wanted to pursue my childhood dream of pursuing a doctorate and my son’s mom wanted me to be a “henpecked” domesticated male. I could not be in her script but am willing to send that script to the Lifetime TV Network.
Last year, I dated an enigmatic woman from Belgium. Immediately, she love bombed me so much that I refused to see the signs of her insecure attachment style. She was just empty inside as she would often share this with me. Ms. Belgium did not have self love and had to project the need for inner love by love bombing me. To keep the peace, I accept that I did not challenge her emotional immaturity. I did not want to experience conflict. My conflict was left in Iraq and now back home.
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My post-Iraq teachable moment: I met a really cool gal without the help of any dating apps. It was hard for me to share things with her because she is a warrior like me in many ways. I wanted to take things slow as she desired to go slow. But, I think we just got defensive towards each other. I was open to her desires, but I think we get caught up with assumptions and missed looking at the great moments together. One evening at a quiet French Bistro, I hope to have an authentic conversation with her about our fears, desires and assumptions. I can only hope that this happens. In the meantime, I know this fact: I can win the gal, but I struggle with sustaining the victory. I am open to losing her or letting her touch my head again in the quiet of the night.
Some in mass culture like Nicki Minaj preach the gospel of demanding an orgasm from every sexual experience with a man. This seems to be extreme. Many of my female friends have told me that this impossible. In the battlefield of romance, responsibility is about not relying on a lover for personal happiness in and out of bed. Readjusting from a war does not reject the desires for a woman, but it does place a priority on this curse called readjustment. This curse can block intimacy at times.
I follow Jenny Block’s message of mutuality in sharing the pleasures of orgasm. Block encourages women to take “self” ownership in discovering ways to become more orgasmic. Once, an enlightened woman from Kansas told me that it takes time to understand a lover and that she adjusts herself to find her orgasm in the experience of being with her lover.
I remember a spiritual artist friend in New Orleans telling me that she found orgasm in the diverse experiences she had with her older boyfriend, a Vietnam veteran Agent Orange survivor. War had robbed him of many things but at least life had not robbed him of his artist girlfriend.
I promote orgasms for all!
I mention this because the stressors of war is taxing on many veterans. Why add more stress to matters of the heart? High amounts of cortisol firing in the brain preventing many veterans from relaxing. Why not have an expansive mind about the potential of co-creating mutual pleasure, safety, vulnerability and joy in romance. I suggest this for those who are veterans and the lovers of veterans.
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I hear many women mention the importance of safety in romance. Many women have expressed a desire for unconditional safety. I accept this demand. Are veterans also allowed to have this demand for unconditional safety?
I am willing to explore my demand for safety, as a veteran; where does it stem from? In Iraq, I and others found unconditional safety in our mutual agreement in the war zone. We agreed to cover each other at all costs. My dear friend CPT Tim Strunk recently reminded me of the war zone sacred agreement.
I know that my lover cannot show the same devotion to an agreement like a battle buddy. I have had to work on not demanding a battle buddy in a woman I am dating. This is a misplaced desire that needs to be sorted out in the readjustment process. Many people cannot understand the sacred agreement in war: “Always cover your buddy’s back!” Dating life gets confusing when such expectations exists. I have to remind myself that I am home and cannot expect someone I am dating to be my battle buddy. Too bad post-deployment briefings do not include a Relationships 101 briefing.
In a war zone, troops are subjected to an almost monastic agreement, though without religious vows. I understand the need to have a tighter bond with the troops on your left and on your right. This reliance on the agreement limits troops when they come home and try to experience dating again.
Indeed, war veterans have issues to engage after war. But, many veterans learned certain values from the war zone that still have meaning back home, and that can enhance dating: Forgiveness taught us to refrain from condemning a fellow troop because the dread of failure haunts every troop at some point in a war; adaptability taught us to accept changes in extreme conditions; acceptance taught us to remain motivated to fight another day even in failure.
The war zone is full of many horrors. Yet, war inspired many of us to refuse seeking to press the easy button during a tough situation. The future can be seen as transformative potential while actualizing the arduous present. War inspired many of us to care deeply for others because of the agreement to cover a fellow troop.
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The unpredictability of going out on missions in Iraq has taken me to a place outside of the scripted mystic 50 Shades of Grey. That is my reality. I challenge any woman dating me to join me in discovering the mysteries and unknowns of a known togetherness.
As the dating apps become more intense, I notice the death of intimacy occuring in the NYC dating reality. Intensity is the “high” daters pursue rather than intimacy. My time away from Iraq has brought me to understand that the holy grail is intimacy. Yes to excitement, but no to spectacle. I need to work on myself in letting go of my pride. In Iraq, pride went a long way. But, I need to remember that tactical awareness in war and at home involves humility.
Sun Tzu, author of the Art of War, explained that one needs to know oneself before engaging in battle. Many in Asia have incorporated this teaching into their daily lives. Maybe, I can make an effort to knowing myself more when I feel that I have lost the tactical advantage in dating.
I do not want to keep hiding war from my lover.
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Photo by Jonatán Becerra on Unsplash