I’m an eternal smartass. And if I am going to stay true to myself and my five readers, I think it’s high time I have a little old-fashioned fun at the expense of some of the fashionistas out there. So forgetting about all the usual drivel about clothing and all that crap, here comes some real fashion knowledge. Wacky Dad style.
Let’s start with what you put on first: underwear.
The tighty whitey. These tried and true underpants just can’t be beat. They’re durable and they hold your partner in place while the boys remain snug as a bug in a rug. Not to mention, they’re cheap. They also last forever and, as an added bonus, piss off your kids and wife when you wear them outside to let the dog out with the neighbors watching.
The White Champion Crew Sock. A bit expensive for my taste but well worth the money because of how long they last. Also, when it comes to retaining the smell of rotten feet, these socks are several notches above the rest. The key is they are 100% cotton. They look great with sneakers, boots, loafers, sandals, and flip-flops. To say nothing of how they look with water shoes while combing the beach with your metal detector.
Long Johns. It’s winter and I have to get the word out about these long johns. They are made of Aramid, which is a fireproof substance. You know, just in case you spontaneously combust while skiing. I’ve been wearing these bad boys for about 15 years now since I got out of the Marine Corps, and they’re still going strong. Not only are they soft, comfortable, and warm—they also have these little straps that go under your foot so your ankles are covered. Plus they are butt-ugly and tend to weather into a dirt white color that never fails to bother the wife.
Jeans. Go to your local Job Lot and get the darkest blue jeans they have. Take those babies and spread them out on the deck right before winter to let the weathering begin. I did this once by mistake and forgot about them. The end result was a cool-looking pair of weathered jeans that were soft and supple from the freeze-thaw cycling of winter in Rhode Island. I usually rediscover these around the time I am boiling maple sap to make syrup.
The Ugly Shirt or Sweater. It’s important to stress the ugly part. If you want to look like a true man and make your fashion-minded wife nuts, you have to go ugly early. This shirt I’m modeling is a personal favorite the wife hates. It’s comfortable, warm, and great to throw on while dealing with snow or collecting sap in the spring. Bonus points if you’re checking the oil in the van and wipe the dipstick on your sleeve. Throwing this on while you’re letting the dog out in your tighty-whiteys doesn’t hurt either.
The Coat. I recommend either Carhartt or Justin. They make strong, durable products that look cool as they fade and get weathered. They also complement the ugly shirt quite well. They can be pricey but they’ll last for years, unless you get bleach on your right sleeve while sanitizing a water line (check out my right sleeve next time you see me). I still wear mine in hope that the dirt will someday cover the bleach stains up.
Boots. These Wolverine boots happen to be my boot of choice. If you are out on job sites, digging holes, fishing or hunting, this boot is for you. They are lightweight, warm, have a great sole and are comfortable out of the box. I haven’t owned anything but Wolverines for many years. The only negative is if you step in dog crap. You better be patient because digging it out of the aggressive tread on this boot is like pissing into the wind!
So there it is. A man’s take on fashion. Top that, all you metrosexuals and fashion moms.! I expect to be offered the cover of In Style or Vogue next week. Before you know it, Wacky Dad-Wear will spread like wildfire. Ladies, get ready for Aramid and flannel. Vavavoooom!
—Photos Top LosAnheles/Flickr Ugly Shirt: Eric Costantino, Tighty Whiteys: cote/Flickr, Crew Sock: championusa.com, Long Johns: Foxtongue/Flickr, Jeans: jerryonlife/Flickr, Coat: amazon.com, Boots: amazon.com