Jean Fitzpatrick thinks so and offers a GMP reader some advice on first steps.
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My husband and I were incredibly intimate right from the beginning. I didn’t notice it at the time because I was so high on “love” but I initiated sex every time -and the sex was amazing! Well, a few months into our relationship I started having some weird health issues that made sex not so enticing for me so we laid off for a while and I think this angered him, though he never said so.___We continued on with our relationship, I moved in, and we got married. We never really go back into the swing of our exciting sex life as it was before but we were still enjoying ourselves pretty regularly. Then came another health problem that made it impossible for me to have sex for at least 2 weeks every month. This made him apprehensive to ever approach the subject of sex because he got refused so many times due to the pain I was experiencing. I understand. I get it. No one likes rejection.___It was pretty awful for both of us. We only had sex like 2 times in a year. We started fighting a ton and it got so bad I started packing. That’s when he decided that he would start making some changes. However, we have continued to fight and have only had sex once in the past 2 years.I guess I’m wondering if all of this (lack of sex, poor communication, too many misunderstandings) is something that can be overcome with a lot of hard work or if we should just give up. Neither of us WANTS to give up, really, but I for one don’t want to spend my whole life in a sexless, romance-less, incompatible marriage. I want companionship without having to fight nearly every time we speak. I want respect. I want to respect who I’m with. I want to feel loved. I want intimacy. All of which I lack in my marriage’s current state.
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Dear Reader,
Not much sex and lots of arguing, and you are wondering whether you should give up on your marriage. From the sound of it, both you and your husband are feeling terribly lonely. You’ve been through a tough time. So much stress! The good news is you’re both making efforts to reconnect. You need to learn and practice some better ways to do that.
It is a bleak time, but most marriages have their bleak times. Most couples move from a “honeymoon phase” of dizzying closeness to the dismaying discovery that their spouse is not the person they thought they married. And few parents of young children have spectacular sex lives. You are not alone. Life can get better.
In order to create change, you both need to shift your thinking. Rather than each of you wondering, “Will my partner understand me in this conversation?” which is leading you to hurt and defensiveness, both of you need to focus on “What can I do to help this conversation become a building-block in a stronger relationship?” Your commitment to nurturing the relationship needs to be greater than your desire to win individual skirmishes.
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Wondering if your marriage can be saved? Email [email protected] your question and one of our therapists will be happy to answer.
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Take sex off the table for now — too much pressure — and devote time and energy to simple rituals of connection. Take a walk, enjoy a simple meal with a candle on the table, cuddle with music. Avoid arguing or talking about your relationship during these times. Just enjoy the moment.
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See if you can zero in on something positive about each other at least once a day, and say it out loud. Be specific — “Thanks for shoveling the snow out of the driveway” or “That green sweater looks great with your eyes” — and avoid left-handed compliments that include past disappointments Sharing appreciation is a powerful tool in rebuilding good will.
Am I suggesting you sweep all your problems under the rug? Far from it. But in order to talk about tough stuff, you need to work together to create an atmosphere of emotional safety and caring. I often describe to to couples as a “cushion of caring” that can hold those difficult conversations. Creating that cushion is your first step toward the relationship you want.
Need more help with matters of the heart? We talk relationships 24/7 on our Love and Sex Page.
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Photo: Holly Lay/Flickr
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in a word, NO. and I know all too well having been trapped in one for 27 years, pathetic isn’t it. as i approach 60 i have the same sex life that i did at 15, my right hand, and at this point, i see little value in that either. My wife is a functioning alchoholic, and i’ve come to realize that i’m her enabler. oh we have all of the trappings of a successful life and marriage, nice big home, good jobs, nice cars, but it is all a sham. i’ve told of the life on other GMP posts,… Read more »
That’s the problem with so much importance is placed on sex. People are, for some reason, taught that sex=love.
Not neccessarily.
But I think that if the sex for whatever reason gets “shut off”, and the people involved lack the ability, maturity (or whatever to call it), to be level and have a clear and honest communication around it, I think the connection and (emotional) intimacy required for love also takes a severe hit.
Couldn’t agree more. I think my wife makes the sex=love mistake. I’ll want and need sex and she’ll try to meet that need with various displays of loving behavior. The two are simply not interchangeable. In fact, she places so much importance on sex that she won’t let me find it elsewhere. Of course, it’s too important for it to be anything but effortless and spontaneous for her. Maybe I’m being a snarky asshole with the above. But, it would be life-changing, probably for both of us, if she could accept the difference between sex and love and if her… Read more »
Yes, it’s actually double-edged, that too much and not enough importance is placed on sex at the same time.
If making love to my partner is not an essential part of our relationship, then when, where and how is my partner making love to someone else becoming an essential part of it?
Thanks Steve. So true. We can all reach out when our partner is acting like Mahatma Gandhi. He actually wasn´t very happily married, as I understand it, but you get the idea. It´s when our partner is also fragile and disagreeable that we face the challenge of bringing our own best self to the marriage. That doesn´t mean being a pushover, but it does mean advocating for the marriage in a constructive way.
Such great advice, Jean. Love this: ““What can I do to help this conversation become a building-block in a stronger relationship?” Your commitment to nurturing the relationship needs to be greater than your desire to win individual skirmishes.” A common problem I see is both parties are not fully on board with that commitment. Both of them want to see, hear, and feel the other one doing the nurturing FIRST. (a women told me recently, “You can’t expect me to take one step toward him until he fixes all of his abusive patterns toward me!”) Goes both ways, I know.… Read more »