Alexis Meads’ answer to her friend’s question offers a new way to think about commitment.
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I recently went to one of my best friend’s weddings, and I had the chance to catch up with some high school buddies. Many of them came with significant others, but two of my guy friends were solo. Later in the night while taking a break from the dance floor, I had the opportunity to speak with one of them alone.
He was telling me about his life and the conversation turned to relationships. He said that none of his recent relationships had lasted more than a few months, and that he was having a lot of fun as a single guy.
I could sense there was something more.
He told me that he really enjoyed reading my blog and said, “I’m a single guy. I love going out and I can still get girls to come home with me. Why would I want to settle down and get married?”
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Wow. Great question.
Before I share my response, I want to say that only you can truly answer this for yourself. I’m not here to convince anyone of anything or to make any judgements whatsoever. Marriage isn’t right for everyone, and it may not be right just because you’re at the age where you feel like you “should” be getting married. It can’t be forced.
I felt my friend was legitimately seeking an answer here. I started mumbling stuff about wanting a family and the things I had recently read in the article, but then it hit me and I suddenly blurted out:
“Commitment exists to teach us how to love.”
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Commitment can teach us how to love in a way that those first few months of a relationship can’t.
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You see, many people think that the way they feel in the beginning of a relationship will be captured forever if they get married. Or that marriage can be their sole source of happiness.
Most people who’ve been married for awhile will tell you this isn’t the case. Sure, it can be a great source of happiness and fulfillment. And you can feel very much in love. But you probably won’t feel happy or in love all of the time.
You have to have other areas of your life you feel passionate about, other friendships and relationships that give you joy. Commitment can teach us how to love in a way that those first few months of a relationship can’t. It’s a vehicle for growth. An opportunity to see someone for who they really are.
To see their fears, doubts, insecurities, annoyances and their kindness, talents, tenderness and wisdom. To see of all this and still choose love again and again–to see your own insecurities rear their ugly head and to choose forgiveness towards yourself.
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This type of love is born from commitment. It’s both hard and easy, fast and slow, beautiful and ugly. A dance between two people. An act of creation.
Peter and I celebrated our six month anniversary of marriage this Thanksgiving. We’re only a wee little bit down the road. I don’t know what will happen in 10 years or 20 years and I’ve stopped trying to figure it out. I just know that we can continue to choose love now.
We can continue to grow, every single day.
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Originally published: Huffington Post
Photo: Roland Lakis/Flickr
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Marriage is not necessary for commitment. It’s not a choice between shallow transient relationships and marriage. Marriage is a contract with state government that you will give half your resources to the person you just broke up with. For me, it meant giving half my salary to my ex for the rest of my life as alimony. This is what you are agreeing to when you sign the marriage certificate. I thought it was a religious ceremony –this is entirely wrong.
This is a critical point and cannot be stressed enough. Unless you are coming from an explicitly religious perspective the ideas of “commitment” and “marriage” must be recognized and understood based on their differences. In our society, “marriage” is a legal contract. Period. Full stop. There are all sort of reasons people marry, and many of them are egocentric (or better yet narcissistic) rather than altruistic. If you marry you are subjugating yourself to the law of the state. You are no longer in charge of living your own life. And right now, for me, you are entering a business… Read more »
Great insight, and I find that the principle applies across many facets of life, though perhaps none more so than marriage. I made the rookie mistake when I was much younger of assuming that a marriage would be sustained and defined by the intensity of feelings experienced at the beginning. Now, in a second and far more mature marriage, I’ve recognized the truth of what the veterans of this experience (and this article) have been saying for so long. A solid and successful marriage, and the love that binds it together, is a choice that can be made.
Wonderful crystallization. I agree that commitment is the way to deepen your connection with the other one. Same we can see in business relationships where without written commitment there’s often no true cooperation. With commitment and dependency comes joint effort.
Your line one day at a time . Follow that you can’t plan love let it flow rach and every day. You enjoy the journey that way. I have followed that advice from my Mother and have been married for 31 years.
Enjoy reading your articles.
“You have to have other areas of your life you feel passionate about…”
Interesting observation…we watched our close friend (divorced for several years and on the dating circuit on and off) with his steady girlfriend of several months…all I can say is that he looked the happiest we have seen him in years…he lost weight and he loved being party host with his new partner….for him, coupledom with the right woman was like watching a flower blossom…so happy for him…!