Relationships find themselves in a time-out as soon as someone brings out the scorecard.
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It’s so tempting, when we’re disappointed or frustrated with our relationship, to turn into the play-by-play commentator. “I did the cleaning and the shopping,” we say on an over-scheduled weekend. “You just did one errand.” Or “I initiated sex three times this month and you only did twice.” Or “We’re way over budget this month but you splurged on those pricey new boots so I’m booking my weekend in Vail.”
Who wins? It’s a race to the bottom.
Researchers for Cornell’s Legacy Project asked 1500 older people “What are the most important lessons you have learned over the course of your life?” They conducted extensive interviews on a variety of topics, including the secrets of a successful marriage.
These elders were emphatic that marriage is not a 50-50 proposition. One man said both partners need to be giving 100 percent all the time. (Tall order.) Kay, a seventy-something married 54 years, described it as 90-10. “Sometimes you’re on the 90,” she observed, “and sometimes you’re on the 10.” One partner is ill for a while, or just has a tough day, and that one is on the receiving end. Hours or days or months later, the tables turn.
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It’s a give and take. That’s why turning into a World Cup announcer is not a good way to make a championship marriage. As soon as we start counting who’s done what, we have pulled away from a mutual relationship with our partner and begun instead to criticize and judge them. Usually at that point our partner puts on an emotional helmet. Whether they get defensive or fall into stony silence, they stop listening.
We get better results if we stay on the field, building and nurturing our relationship. Often we need to call a time-out to calm ourselves down when we’re upset. When we’re ready to talk, instead of tearing each other down, we huddle. We’re open to each other’s ideas. And we let each other know we appreciate the effort.
Does this mean holding back on situations that concern or anger us? Certainly not. But instead of calling penalties on our partner, we talk in a gentle, nonthreatening way. “I’m exhausted on the weekends. I’d like us to build some relaxation into the schedule and I need your help.” Or “When you initiate sex, I feel desired and loved.” Or “Let’s sit down and sort out our finances so we can plan some big purchases.”
When we talk clearly and honestly, without blaming, the game changes. Before long, we start to feel like a team. That way everybody wins.
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Also By Jean Fitzpatrick: 5 Ways Out of Your Sexual Sahara
Photo: Jondoe41/Flickr
Originally Published: TherapistNYC.com
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Good points here….Agreed that keeping score is not a “guy problem” only, Bill, but one that is practiced by women and men. Sadly it often leads to a withdrawal of the actions and kinds of connection that nurture a marriage — affection, thanks, compliments, pitching in. True that no one wants to be the only person making the effort, FK, but realistically it is rare for both partners in a relationship to be giving to it equally at all times, just as — to use another sports analogy — a marathoner doesn’t sprint the whole way. Each of us gets… Read more »
You make a good point, but that requires both people in a marriage (relationship) trying their best.
If you are with a person who happens to master the art of self-delution or deflection, you may as well be setting yourself up for abuse by not connecting the dots about when it’s time to just walk out of it.
Upwards of 90% of divorces are initiated by women. Very often the men are blindsided by this, having had no real clue that their wives were so unhappy. Quite a few men have actually talked about this right here in the comments of GMP.
You can make a very reasonable argument that keeping score is really much more a woman’s problem than a man’s problem.