Returning to the world of dating is a daunting experience. I know myself after being two years out of the game, getting back into it was a huge learning curve. Everything that had become assumed knowledge was thrown out the window and my approach to love had to be based on an entirely new set of expectations.
Not only that but depending on how long you haven’t been dating, you can find yourself trying to navigate through an unknown and unfamiliar landscape. I honestly thought I had downloaded the wrong app when I reinstalled Tinder, it looked so different from how I had remembered.
But above all, the hardest part about getting back into dating is mental aspects. Exposing yourself to all its ups and downs can take its toll — the mental adaption to dating can seriously knock your confidence.
So to keep your confidence intact and survive this transition here’s some honest advice to prepare you for dating again.
Don’t worry about them liking you, care more about if you like them
If someone doesn’t like something about you then that’s their issue. You can’t control how they chose to react to that something — they may consider it a deal-breaker or they might not consider it overly important.
The thing that you should be concerned about is whether or not you like them. It’s your life, after all — the only person you’re responsible for is yourself. So do yourself a service and focus more on finding who you like rather than trying to satisfy someone else’s needs.
Rejection isn’t a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of your compatibility
You can take rejection personally — question and criticise yourself over everything that could’ve caused them to ditch you. But in reality, rejection isn’t that personal.
Rather than being a reflection of your worth as an individual, it’s a reflection of your compatibility as a pair. It’s the result of your dynamic together and just because someone may not like that dynamic, you’re not worth anything less.
In fact, rejection is really a positive thing. It’s confirmation that you simply haven’t found your match yet and you now have the opportunity to pursue something with more potential.
Stop chasing people who you think you can change
You want to be with them but they don’t want to be with you. You two have fun together, a good connection, your hookups are exhilarating — but that’s all they are, they’re hookups. Yet, you keep pursuing them in the hopes that one day they’ll change their ways and want to be something more.
But the truth is, you can’t change people and nor should you try to — why should they have to be the one to change if they’re happy as they are? If they don’t want what you want then you’re fundamentally incompatible. So don’t waste your time — stop chasing the people who you think you can change.
Ask yourself would you still be friends with this person if you weren’t attracted to them
Pretty privilege exists. Physical attraction causes bias — being aware of its presence is a lifesaver when it comes to dating.
It’s so easy to convince ourselves that we like someone or excuse certain behaviours on the bases of our physical attraction — I do it myself all the time. I recently went on one of the worst dates in my life was with one of the most attractive guys I’d ever met and even though deep down I knew I didn’t like his personality I convinced myself I did and agreed to a second date. Goes without saying, that second date didn’t go well.
So before you really decide if someone’s worth pursuing, ask yourself if you would still be friends with this person if you weren’t physically attracted to them. Are they someone you could actually spend time with if they weren’t so nice to look at?
You don’t need to be perfect to be loved
Nobody’s perfect — it’s a cliche but only because it’s true. People have flaws and weird quirks but they’re what makes us individuals. Our weaknesses are just as important and formative as our strengths.
Perfection isn’t relatable. No one can connect with the invulnerable. You don’t need to be perfect to be loved, in fact, it’s quite the opposite. In order to be loved, you need to find someone who you can be imperfect with.
Keep a realistic perspective on dating, you love life is only one area of your life
Just because you’ve reintroduced dating back into your life doesn’t mean it needs to take centre stage. You had a life before you were dating — that hasn’t gone away. Don’t forget to nurture the other aspects of your life like your hobbies, your friendships, your career.
Being overly-attentive to your love life will also put you under a lot more pressure in that regard. If the only thing you’re focusing on is love and you don’t have it yet you’re not going to feel any general satisfaction with life. Love should only add to your happiness, not dictate it — be satisfied with the other parts of life.
Actions speak louder than words
Someone can tell you every day that they’re into you, that they think you’re wonderful and amazing and how they’re so excited whenever they see you. But then they continuously show up late to dates and spend more time checking out other people than talking to you. Their actions and words don’t align.
Praise is always nice to hear but don’t let it overshadow your judgement. Actions will always speak louder than words. Talk is cheap when they don’t make you feel worth it.
The Takeaway
It’s ok to be nervous about dating again but don’t let those nerves stop you if you want to pursue that part of your life again. Yes, you probably will end up getting hurt at one point and find yourself longing for the secure love life you once had.
But even with all the heartbreak, bad decisions and time-wasting dating is still fun and exciting. Even if it doesn’t seem to be giving you the results you want, the experience is still something that should be enjoyed.
As long as you remember to check-in and take care of yourself there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to have a good time getting back into dating. So practice self-care, put yourself first and thrive in your new love life.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Helena Lopes on Unsplash