Sometimes when I’m at my wit’s end during the job search, I write witty articles to ease the pain. I don’t write them under the name “Madman Matt,” though, but I realize that my professional and madman sides are becoming increasingly connected. It’s hard to tell them apart on most days.
Using the excuse that I have an actual job interview that I need to prepare for because, you know, money doesn’t grow on trees and trying to make money as a writer is maddeningly difficult, I bring you something I wrote a few years ago—without much thought or effort at all. Enjoy!
Hiring Manager: Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Candidate: Let me refer you to my resume and cover letter. There’s also Google, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and Instagram.
Hiring Manager: Do you have any experience?
Candidate: (To quote Robbie Hart from Wedding Singer)
I have no experience, but I’m a big fan of money. I like it; I use it; I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I’d like to put more in that jar. That’s where you come in.
Hiring Manager: Why do you want this job?
Candidate: See previous response.
Hiring Manager: How can you add value to the company?
Candidate: I suppose that once I become a millionaire, I can buy stock in it.
Hiring Manager: Talk about a time you faced a serious challenge. How did you handle it?
Candidate: Well, getting here on time was a challenge. I needed two alarms, a hobo bath, a snort of cocaine, and some reckless driving to make that happen.
Hiring Manager: Where do you want to be in five years?
Candidate: Colonizing Mars.
Hiring Manager: I mean, where do you want to be professionally?
Candidate: Either so successful or so far away from other human beings that no one would ask me such a question.
Hiring Manager: How did you hear about us?
Candidate: I googled “I need a f—ing job.” This one was number 13 on the list.
Hiring Manager: If you were a tree, which one would you be?
Candidate: Trees don’t talk.
Hiring Manager: What are your ideal work conditions?
Candidate: I’d like to set my own hours and work at my own pace—and I’d like to be far from the boss’s gaze. If possible, please stick me in a corner office with a computer, no cameras, and no restrictions on surfing the internet. It would also be nice to have my own private bathroom. You know, for hygienic purposes.
Hiring Manager: What is your biggest strength?
Candidate: Self-restraint. I’ve wanted to get up and walk out of this interview several times, but I have been able to restrain myself up to this point. I’m also quite good at seeming like I give a shit. It’s an underrated skill.
Hiring Manager: What is your biggest weakness?
Candidate: Women.
Hiring Manager: Tell me about a conflict involving a colleague. How did you handle it?
Candidate: One time in the staff room at a summer camp, where I was teaching conflict resolution to tweens, a colleague stole the last smudge of cream cheese to use on his bagel while my back was turned—when I was the one who got said cream cheese out of the refrigerator (with intent to distribute it on my own bagel). Rather than express my disappointment in a calm, professional manner, I proceeded to swipe the bagel out of his hand just as he was about to take his first bite (of my cream cheese). The bagel hit the floor—which was my intent. I taught my younger colleague an important lesson about proper bagel etiquette. He never crossed me again.
Hiring Manager When can you start?
Candidate: I’ll start right now as long as I don’t have to answer any more questions.
—
Previously Published on substack and is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock
