Most people would agree that trust is the best foundation for a healthy relationship, and the basis for the other important things like respect and reassurance. Having made the mistake of doing my share of fibbing to partners in the past, telling the truth is now something I refuse to compromise on. But to be able to do that, it’s even more important to be honest with myself. Because if I don’t fully acknowledge and accept how I feel and what I want, how can I share those core truths with a partner.
For most of us, being fully honest with ourselves – and with those close to us – is something that tends to come later in life, when we’re facing up to the responsibilities of adult life and changing from boy into a man. Being a grown-up doesn’t have to mean being miserable or giving up on having fun. But most of us will start looking for a relationship that provides a deeper and more nourishing kind of emotional connection than youthful flings, at the same time as we develop a more grounded and realistic idea about what we want to achieve. Discovering our ‘mission’ or vocation, rather than just doing what we need to do to survive or passing the time in an agreeable way.
One reason I’ve had for not telling the truth to a partner has been because of not wanting to hurt her. So I fudged it – maybe staying in a relationship when I’d decided in my heart that it wasn’t really working, to avoid the difficult conversation that was needed. But I learned that the longer you postpone being honest, the more painful it will be for everyone. The most loving thing you can do is be as clear as you can, as soon as possible. Trying to soften what you have to say, or make it more palatable, will just create confusion and hurt in the long run.
I think that I used to avoid being truthful partly to avoid the pain of accepting that, like everyone else, I wasn’t perfect., and I was likely to upset someone I cared about who would probably reject and dislike me. I needed a more solid level of self-esteem than I think I had, to be able to handle that. My advice is – don’t try to be ‘kind’, be brave! Say what’s needed in the clearest and kindest way possible, without distracting from or diluting the reality. Because when it comes to receiving bad news, there seems to be a universal human need to hear the whole story, clear and straight with no vagueness or beating around the bush.
I found that if the parting of ways is done in a mutually respectful and honest way, it’s perfectly possible to become friends in the future. But in the short-term, it’s essential to go ‘no contact’, at least for a while, to let any wounds heal and to give you both a proper chance to move on. Statistically the number of relationships that recover and reignite after a separation is very low – not surprising really because the reason things weren’t working for one partner of another probably won’t have changed very much. So conversations during an early stage of separation run the risk of drifting in to re-connecting, and the likelihood that you’d have to go through the painful process of breaking up all over again.
This is not a good outcome; it was hard enough the first time, but usually even worse the second time around!
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
