Hoovering: It’s Not a Problem With Your Vacuum, but It Could Be a Problem in Your Relationship

Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.

Most of us are familiar with Michael Corleone’s (played by Al Pachino) famous line from The Godfather. In the movie, he’s referring to bad people, but today, that line could be the marketing logo for a support group for victims of hoovering.

It may sound like something you need a repairman for, but hoovering in a relationship isn’t a matter of new bolts or hoses. Although inspired by the vacuum brand, hoovering now refers to a manipulative tactic often used by emotionally abusive partners or narcissists.

And it’s particularly insidious because you may not even realize it if you’ve been hoovered.

What Is Hoovering Exactly?

Simply put, hoovering is the tactic of sucking a person back into a toxic relationship after they’ve done the work to break free.

Although most prevalent in romantic relationships, hoovering can also occur in friendships and family.

In each case, the abuser, who may be cruel or prone to anger, senses that their control over the victim is slipping and suddenly changes tactics and starts acting overly kind, remorseful, or even needy, all to “suck” the victim back into the relationship.

This process can create a cycle of abuse that can be incredibly difficult to escape.

How Do I Know If I’m Being Hoovered?

Recognizing hoovering can be difficult for a victim. In their eyes, the abuser has “changed” or fallen back in love with them. They suddenly feel wanted, needed, and valued, which is all they ever wanted in the first place.

Hoovering can take several forms depending on the emotional needs of the victim. In most cases, the person doing the hoovering is savvy enough to tailor their efforts to push all the right buttons and suck their unwitting partner (child or friend) back into the relationship.

Some of the most common forms of hoovering include,

Kindness and love bombing.

Sudden displays of love, affection, grand gestures, and gifts are common tactics in hoovering.

These actions can make a person feel like an abuser has changed or had an epiphany, finally realizing their value and the importance of the relationship.

It can be hard to resist these efforts because they offer the illusion of love and validation, which fills a void the victim is often desperate to fill.

Promises to change

One of the most common tactics is assertions of change.

Once it’s clear you’re leaving or have left, the abuser claims to have had a “wake-up call.”

Statements like, “I see how much I hurt you, I’ll never do it again,” or “I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself, and I’ve changed,” are stock and trade in this form of hoovering.

These efforts may come after a period of distance or time apart, lending to the illusion that they’ve doing some real soul-searching and are sincere.

While this can seem hopeful, it’s often a temporary ploy to regain control.

** It should be noted that some attempts at change, like engaging in therapy, may actually be sincere. But re-engaging with a person who’s been abusive in the past needs to be done slowly, carefully, and with caution. Real change takes time. **

Playing the victim

Narcissists are skilled manipulators who can flip the script effectively when it suits them. They may turn things around and play on the guilt of their target with statements like,

“I can’t live without you.”
“I’m so miserable without you. I’m afraid of what I might do.”
“You were the only good thing in my life.”
“I’ve never felt pain like this.”

If you feel love for a person, it can be hard to resist wanting to allay their pain, especially if you feel you’re the cause.

Creating a crisis

Abusers may manufacture or exaggerate a crisis in order to hoover their target back in.

This could be a health scare, financial trouble, or other personal tragedy. They’ll claim they’re helpless, desperate, or in need, and you’re the only person who can save them. By doing this, they evoke the sympathy of their victim and pull them back into the relationship.

Leveraging allies

You may not be the only person they manipulate as they try to get you back.

Hoovering can involve getting others involved to plead their case and put pressure on you to come back.

Convincing friends or your family to participate and confirm they’ve changed blurs boundaries and is a sneaky way to get back into your heart.

Any of this sound familiar? If so, you’ve probably been hoovered.

Hoover Proofing Your Heart

If you’ve fallen prey to hoovering, it’s not a sign of weakness – it’s a sign you have a heart and are a caring and empathetic person with a weak spot. Protecting yourself from being hoovered can be difficult.

The following tips can help you resist hoovering and maintain perspective before jumping back into a toxic situation.

Recognize patterns. The first step in resisting hoovering is to recognize it for what it is. Once you identify the tactics – whether it’s love-bombing, guilt-tripping, or crisis creation—you’ll be better equipped to resist the manipulation.

Set and maintain boundaries. This might mean cutting off all contact or keeping communication minimal. Boundaries are especially important if you have no choice but to be involved, such as when you share children.

Lean on your support system. Having a support system is invaluable. Whether it’s friends, family, or a counselor, lean on the people in your life who offer perspective and encouragement. These people can remind you why you left and help reinforce your decision if hoovering begins.

Heal first. If you find yourself tempted to go back, take time and require yourself to heal first. Once you have the perspective of time and healing, you’re more likely to resist hoovering or at least recognize whether the efforts to change have been sincere and real.

Use the test of time. Time heals and provides perspective. If after time apart – a significant amount, not a week or even a month – the claims of change seem real and you still have feelings for each other, you may be better equipped to test the waters. Just proceed with caution.

Hoovering is ultimately about control. Emotionally abusive individuals and narcissists thrive on their ability to manipulate and dominate others. When their victim begins to pull away or leave, the abuser’s sense of control is threatened, and they begin to hoover.

So, if you’re being hoovered, focus on healing and surround yourself with people who genuinely care about your well-being. Breaking free from an abusive relationship is hard, but it is possible.

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https://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/bid/40145/emotional-abuse-signs-watch-for-these-5-emotional-abuse-signs