I have just returned from a very famous set of theme parks. They are so famous that to even mention their actual name here, I would have to pay a licensing fee. My editor let me know to even be careful about any pictures that would go with this article as they would also take my first-born child and most likely hers. Unrelated but this very famous theme park may be coming out with a Rumpelstiltskin re-imagining pretty soon.
My family averaged 20 thousand steps a day, and most of those steps came in the form of waiting in lines. That’s close to 12 miles of lines, which for us dedicated parents that take their children, this sounds about right. But what irked me about this trip was not the lines, but the lack of understanding on how theme park lines work. There is a certain amount of etiquette that is expected in these lines. The British may hate us because we don’t know how to queue, and honestly, I’m starting to understand their ire. We can do better.
Hour 1: Do not pick the blisters on your feet that you have acquired from walking the equivalent of a marathon in 2 days. Instead, let the sore ooze into your sock like a respectable parent that has given their soul so that their children can have that once-in-a-lifetime adventure that you can’t wait to be over.
Hour 2: When the line moves forward, you move forward. This is how lines work, and it should be pretty self-evident. This is not the time to stare blindly into the abyss, that comes later. This is also not the time to forget that you are in a line because it’s going to anger all of the rest of us in the line.
Hour 3: Stare into the abyss and lose hope.
Hour 4: Stand 2 inches directly behind the person in-front of you. Breathe heavily on their neck, so that the moisture of your mouth can be felt on their ears. Burp often. Dip your nose into their hair so as to appear super extra creepy. Take a whiff and moan. This way, everyone will know that you are that guy in the theme park line and can report you to the park police.
Hour 5: By now, your child should have killed the battery on your phone. And because you were a smart enough parent to bring 3 different battery packs, attempt to charge your phone to continue to distract them because you just can’t answer the question “How long are we going to be waiting in line?” But since you are also a busy parent that is overwhelmed with constant planning, allow yourself some grace for forgetting to charge any of those battery packs.
Hour 6: Look down and wonder at which point you have swapped children with those in front of you. Did this happen in hour 3 when the staring happened?
Hour 7: Admit to yourself that the last food cart may have not been a good idea. As your stomach rumbles and things begin to tighten down below, come to terms that what you thought was a quick snack for everyone has turned into a full-blown line emergency.
Hour 8: Get to the back of the line after you have gone to the bathroom. Repeat hours 1 through 7.
Hour 9: Sing the theme park song over and over in your head and question why you just didn’t go to a beach or an insane asylum. There are no lines for the padded room.
Hour 10: Great job, you are almost there! You can see the end of the line just around the corner. Now be utterly disappointed when you round that corner only to discover that your prize is more line.
Hour 11: By this time, your leg has gone numb where your child has been punching you for 11 hours. There are no more tears for you to shed. Not because the sadness is gone, but because you are so dehydrated. If you are an extrovert, make friends with the people in line and agree to meet up at this exact same place 5 years from now. If you are an introvert, silently cuss that this stupid extrovert won’t stop talking to you. But as you are introverted, you’re not confrontational so you just stand there and take it.
Hour 12: You’ve made it through the ride! Congrats! Your reward is now a longer line in the gift shop. And the reward at the end of that line is to spend more money.
You have successfully completed one line at a very famous theme park. Only 10 more rides to go! But rest assured, by the time you are finished with all the long waits, your calves will look magnificent!
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Images courtesy of author