How are Your Expectations Damaging Your Marriage?

Were you the kid who dreamed of what your marriage would look like?

Were you the kid who saw your parents’ happiness and knew you wanted that for yourself?

Did you meet your person and imagine what your life would look like if or when you were married?

Marriage looks different for everyone. We know that, and yet we still have expectations of what OUR marriage should look like. We have an idea of how our partner should show up in the marriage. What we expect them to do. Who we expect them to be.

And when your partner doesn’t meet those expectations, you become upset. You remind them of your expectations even if you feel they should already know them. Out of spite, you may even start to neglect an expectation they have for you.

Their non-compliance is shattering the vision you’ve created for your marriage. It was never supposed to be like this.

When I say we have expectations, I mean something other than the basics. Most of us expect kindness and respect. Being loved and cared for are also things most hope to have in a marriage.

Taking vacations a few times a year with your partner is an expectation that some may have.

Your partner understanding you completely is an expectation that many people may have.

Both expectations can be damaging to a marriage.

Why? Because expectations set before knowing your partner don’t consider your partner. And expecting your partner to know everything about you isn’t realistic.

If you set the expectation before you met the person and did not amend it to meet who your partner is, you are doing a disservice to your partner and your relationship.

If you expect your partner to know you completely, you need to account for personal growth and change that may occur during your marriage.

Who we are at the beginning of the marriage and who we become as life happens are not the same.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have expectations. Expectations can be helpful when setting boundaries in the relationship. It can help you determine what you will or won’t accept in your marriage.

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However, if you find yourself frustrated by your partner not meeting your expectations, and you’ve already decided they are your person ’til death do you part despite these frustrations, you may need to reevaluate the expectations you have for them.

Do they truly know your expectations? Ask them. Talk to them about it.

You may be surprised by what they tell you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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