How Attentive Listening Strengthens Your Relationships

MAUDE: Pay attention! Listen! These seem like rather simple admonishments. And yet, so many of us find it very challenging to do so. Listening to others with an open heart and full attention seems to have become almost a lost art. I say art because it is indeed one. Many people struggle to empty their minds of all the input surrounding them daily. Screens abound, pouring forth information and challenges.

In this flood of data, relationships can offer a deeply needed place for a different kind of being. Learning to listen to one another is an especially profound way of experiencing this opportunity. I recently had an encounter that reminded me of the riches to be harvested from the simple act of sitting in the stillness of listening to another person.

I was in a Zoom meeting with others, and we were discussing some deeply personal questions. We went from the larger group to breakout sessions, and I was in one with a man I had seen at other meetings, but did not know from direct personal interaction.

We started talking and sharing with one another our thoughts and feelings to the topic. I found him to be open and willing to share who he was and how he felt. I realized that this was a situation in which I could come to know him more deeply. All I had to do was listen to what he was offering to me. I found myself moving into a deep inner calm and quiet. Any thoughts of what I wanted to share, or words in my mind, stopped. I just listened.

As I did so, I noticed a total relaxation come over my body. And he, too, appeared more relaxed. This attentive listening was very powerful. When our short time in the breakout was over, I felt that we had begun a friendship. The act of listening in this manner is a field of riches in both directions; for the one listening and for the one being heard.

When Phil and I talk, it takes a while for us to get into the state of attentive listening. At first, we are each in our own heads, with the thoughts and issues of the day circling around. It takes a conscious effort to move from that state to one of inner quiet with the ability to listen and hear. It requires a certain element of setting yourself aside temporarily to come into sync with each other.

Phil and I know this place together and can get to it more easily than with someone we haven’t had much practice with. The path is the same, though. It takes awareness, the desire to do so, and a bit of healthy self-discipline. I am convinced that this way of being with one another offers a direct road to more peaceful relationships and one that we all can practice together.

PHIL: You might think that of course you listen when someone else is speaking, but much of the time, that is barely the case. You’re thinking about how to respond, or what you have to do later in the day, or what that strange noise outside is.

Butto truly listen, you have to quiet all those voices in your head. You have to set yourself aside and pay attention to the other person. It needs a certain amount of ego loss, but you’re trading that for the sense of the other person, of grokking where they’re at, and only when they finish do you look inside, find out what your reactions are and then speak them.

A conversation like this has a different quality that I think stems from the fact that we are a social species, and deep in our DNA, we have a need to connect with each other. Our individualism, especially in the West, obscures that somewhat, but by listening and empathizing, we fulfill that need for connection.

Think how different the experience would be for someone if they were to talk to a brick wall (pardon the cliché) rather than to you. Yes, I know brick walls don’t give advice, but often the speaker doesn’t want advice, either; they just want to be heard. This was a big issue in my first marriage; I didn’t understand it at the time.

I want to emphasize the importance of letting people finish speaking. When they can speak in full without “Me too!” or “Why didn’t you…” interrupting the flow, they feel heard, seen, recognized, and this is heightened by the sense of receiving your full attention.Not everybody can let go of their own story enough to listen and connect in this way. Some people are trapped within themselves, and you have to try to meet them where they are.

I should add that this varies by culture. Deborah Tannen describes “conversational overlap” here where “the listener starts talking along with the speaker, not to cut them off but rather to validate or show they’re engaged in what the other person is saying.”

Often when two couples meet for dinner, there are two conversations going on; the men talk together and so do the women. But I particularly enjoy when there is a single conversation between all four people. I’m privileged to be in a group of six to eight guys who meet for breakfast regularly, and the same applies: there is one conversation, and it creates a delightful sense of sharing and connection.

So treat listening as the gateway to deeper relationships. That is something we all need.

Here are some other articles of ours illustrating various aspects of listening.

You Need to Balance Talking and Listening “We have written about the importance of active listening — of paying attention to what the other person is saying, rather than working on preparing a response. As we have written, “Actually listen, rather than waiting for the moment when you can talk again about why your opinion is the correct one.” Although this is ideal, the reality is that responses and ideas come up as the other person is speaking and it can be a considerable effort to both hold on to those thoughts and continue to follow the speaker. We all know what that feels like, and how much less we hear of what our partner says when we are holding on to our thoughts and waiting our turn to speak them. And yet, how can we avoid this situation? When we are actively seeking solutions, decisions or plans, we are excited. We get ideas from listening that are compelling and important to say. How do we keep the exchange going, and not step out of the important process of hearing our partner, while still being able to share the ideas as they come forth?”

How Listening Without Giving Advice is Good For Your Relationships “Much of this has to do with being present and offering your full attention and acceptance to the other person. When someone is sharing with you, it is a great gift to offer them your presence. We all crave that sense of connection and recognition. When you are truly with another, fully present, you are verifying their importance to you and letting them know you see them and hear them. In order to offer this form of presence, you must leave yourself out of the interaction in every way except as the listener. Listening that deepens connection and communication occurs when you are only bearing witness, you are there to hear what the other is sharing. We all tend (too often) to insert ourselves: our thoughts, our opinions, our suggestions, our solutions.”

Why Acknowledgment is Like a Magic Charm for Relationships “I have relationships that take place over distances via phone, email, text, and social media. These all afford opportunities to acknowledge a person and non-verbally say “I see you.” In my deep connection to a friend that occurs mostly on the phone, there is this constant flow as well, where we speak and listen to each other in the same way that lets each of us know that we are known for who we are and are being heard and appreciated. Feeling seen and heard for who you are is a balm to the soul. It brings joy and a quiet sense of peace. Relationships that incorporate this spread that peace outward, and tend to build an awareness of how to do this with other people, even in brief encounters. As we pass by in the world, we can do this for each other. There is nothing that breaks down the separation of ‘us’ and ‘them’ more than being acknowledged and knowing you are seen by someone.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.