Children are surrounded by authority figures, from parents to teachers to doctors. Going to the doctor is one of the few instances where parents see their power diminished. Doctors are allowed certain liberties necessary for proper treatment that other authority figures are not granted. We trust our doctors because of their social status and their education.
However, it’s important to remember that even though we are socially accustomed to granting doctors a certain power beyond what we normally relinquish, we are still the ultimate authority when it comes to the well being of our children. We are allowed to take back the power we have lent to doctors whenever we wish, even if the doctor expresses displeasure at the idea.
Several years ago, my eldest daughter’s dentist found a small cavity on a baby tooth and recommended that it be treated. We’d been at this pediatric dentist for a few years, and hadn’t had any issues.
The cavity treatment would require drilling the tooth. The dentist explained my daughter would be restrained and sedated. Neither my wife nor I liked the sound of that, particularly when you consider a child’s cognitive development.
“How will she be sedated?”
“A couple puffs of Nitrous Oxide,” the dentist said. “It’s harmless.”
We thought the suggestion over and agreed. Then she dropped the bombshell. “You’ll be able to come and drop off your daughter and pick her up after the procedure.”
She wasn’t asking. This was a directive. There was no discussion, or no opportunity for response offered.
Immediately I saw that this was a violation of the power code. The dentist was using her station to dictate something that my wife and I deserved to have a say on.
“No,” I said, “I’ll be coming in with her.”
“Well, we find that it’s better for establishing a relationship of trust between the dentist and the patient to allow us to treat…”
I interrupted her.
“I respect that you’re a doctor, but you’re still a stranger. I’m simply not going to allow you to take my daughter into a room and sedate and restrain her without me being present.”
I said this with a smile, but I saw her stiffen. Essentially, I’d grabbed the nebulous ball of power back from her, and she was visibly miffed that I had done so. She didn’t protest further, and we set up the appointment and left.
A few days later I returned with my daughter for the procedure. The nurse met us in the waiting area.
“Ok,” she said to my daughter, “You can come with me, dad you can wait out here.”
“No, I’m coming in,” I replied.
As with the dentist, the nurse was visibly agitated.
“We prefer that…”
“I’m coming in and that’s it.”
My daughter and I followed the nurse into a room. They told my daughter to get on a chair and immediately placed the “restraining blanket” on her. The blanket was covered with rainbows and such, and was held in place with Velcro straps, but it was still a restraint.
My daughter didn’t like it, and I didn’t blame her. She started to cry. The nurses looked at me with irritation. I began to feel irritated as well.
I couldn’t figure out why they wanted to restrain her before she was sedated. I could see the need of the blanket, since you didn’t want your child thrashing around when the drill was going in her mouth. But the fact that they wished to restrain her before sedation seemed like it might have been retaliatory against my presence.
The nurses complied with my wish, and once sedated, there was no issue with the blanket.
“We often find that when a parent is present, the child doesn’t behave as well.” One of the nurses said, “The child thinks the parent will ‘save’ them, so they cry. But when the parent leaves, the child is fine.”
“I’m not leaving.”
The dentist arrived, and my daughter was groggy, and not at all happy. When they started in with the drilling, she began to cry. Everyone looked at me.
“There’s going to be a little crying,” the dentist said.
“I know.”
I was having a very hard time watching them work on my daughter. I trusted them, as I’ve been conditioned to trust doctors. But she was terrified, and it seemed there should have been a better way to handle this.
In a few minutes, the procedure was done, and the dentist and the nurses told my daughter what a great patient she had been. They gave her a medal and a little bag of dental trinkets. She sat up, wiped the tears from her eyes, and accepted these things. I picked her up and held her. She needed to be held.
It was a quiet ride home, and back at the house my daughter looked at her medal.
“They told me I did a good job and they gave me this, but I don’t want to go back there,” she said, and began crying again.
Six months later, we pulled into the parking lot of the dental office for a cleaning and my daughter began to scream. “I don’t want to go in there.”
I put the car in reverse and drove away.
That evening I called up another pediatric dentist.
“Hello,” I said, “I’m looking to change dentists, but here’s what I want to know. When a child comes in for a filling, do you want the parents in the room?”
“Absolutely,” the receptionist replied. “We encourage the parents to come in with their kids.”
“Great,” I said, and made an appointment.
We went to the new dentist and promised our daughter we’d never take her to the other one again. She seemed traumatized for about a year, but has now started to improve.
I wonder how many parents do simply follow the doctor’s orders and drop off their child and leave? A few months after this incident, I saw a news story about a dentist that had been left alone with a child and ended up pulling out every one of the child’s teeth. This kind of incident is astronomically rare, but how is it that parents can be pushed into leaving their child alone with a stranger, even if that stranger is a medical professional?
I tend to be a person who is somewhat rebellious, but even though I didn’t adhere to the dentist’s request to stay out of the room, I still allowed the procedure. Our new dentist listened to my description and thought the restraining blanket was a barbaric technique. As a patient, you trust your dentist. You understand that a procedure will entail a bit of pain. But if that alarm goes off in the back of your head that more pain is being inflicted than is necessary, you have a right to listen. It’s important to encourage other parents to know this is the case.
Yes, we need to respect our doctors and other authority figures. Yes, doctors and dentists are there to help us, and their treatments are not always pleasant. Yes, doctors and dentists are allowed to wield a tremendous amount of power over us.
But there’s nothing disrespectful about asking questions, or making certain demands when it comes to the well-being of your children. As an adult, we’ve been subjected to countless hours of conditioning about how we must respect and obey authority figures. It’s important to remind yourself as a parent, that you are the ultimate authority figure when it comes to the well-being of your child.
Social conditioning can sometimes work against our ability to make the best choice for our children. When an alarm goes off in the back of your mind that something isn’t quite right, please listen.
You have that right. You have that power. Perhaps we need to reassure each other of that fact more often.
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Photo Credit: Pixabay