The other day I was having coffee with an amazing woman that works in the compassion space and runs the incredible Kindness Challenge in Perth, WA. She was telling me about a session she did with a group of 65 Dads and how overwhelmed she was with how many Dads really struggle with knowing how to communicate with their children.
Men are well known for their difficulty in expressing their emotions, and this can really come up when they become a dad. So How should a father communicate with his children?
You want to be clear, direct and share your thoughts and feelings.
Firstly lets have a think about why men struggle to communicate sometimes. A Lot of it comes from how they were raised and a generational way of thinking and behaving that has been passed down. Our belief systems are a prodigal of how we were raised, so if you had a father that was out at work every day and had very little to do with your upbringing then it’s really hard to know what to do. How would you know anything other than how you were raised In order to make a real shift in our belief system, we need a change in our mindset. We have to really want to learn and change the way we think and behave.
So what does effective communication look like?
Active Listening.
This helps your child to feel heard and understood. Pay attention to them when they speak to you and let them know that they are heard. Get down to your child’s level and make eye contact with them. Encourage their talking by nodding and smiling as they talk to you. Prompt their talking by asking them questions. This helps them to understand how to tell a story and engage in a two way conversation.
Speak clearly.
When you’re talking to your child use language that is age appropriate and words they will understand. Use positive language and speak in a calm, clear manner.
Use Positive Reinforcement.
When you see your child doing something good praise them for it. We can get very focused on the bad behaviour with children and forget about the positives. Positive reinforcement encourages your child to continue those behaviours. Let them know you are proud of them when they do something nice and call out good behaviour as frequently as you can. “Great sharing”, “that was really kind”, “you have done such great tidying today- thank you”. The more you praise the more they will do it, be specific when you praise them, so they know exactly what the good behaviour is.
Discipline with relevance.
When your child is misbehaving, it’s very easy to try to stop the behaviour with threats but this is not a good way to communicate and you’re not going to be teaching your child anything. “if you don’t eat your dinner right now, you won’t see Grandma for a week, there will be no daycare and you’re not watching TV for a month”… how on earth is this supporting positive communication with your children?
“If you don’t want to eat your dinner that’s your choice, but there will be nothing else until breakfast tomorrow. You can make the decision, but you might be hungry and I won’t be giving you anything else”. Let your children make choices for themselves. They are still human beings! Let them know they have a choice, tell them the consequences of each choice and then stick to what you have said” This creates boundaries, trust and respect with your children.
Be Fun
We don’t have to take everything seriously. Have fun with your children, show them how much you love them and engage in light-hearted conversation. Tell Jokes, be silly, we don’t have to be serious in every conversation we have with our children. Take notice of the things your children like and talk to them about it, play with them and communicate about the things they enjoy. Laughing and having fun with our loved ones uplifts us and increases everyone’s positive energy.
Lead by example.
Think about how you would like your children to be and how you would like them to communicate and mirror that behaviour. The way we behave and communicate is what we are encouraging for our children, so lead by example. Think about what you really want for your children and how you would want them to communicate with others and model that behaviour. Always be open honest and truthful with your children so they learn to communicate that way also.
Always showing your children how much you love them and communicating regularly is the best way to build a positive bond and be the greatest father you can be.
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Previously Published on workhardparenthard.com
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