How does one family create three boys who express their masculinity so differently?
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This is the story of three little boys. Three boys raised by the same two parents: a stay-at-home dad and a work-away-from-home mom. They were given the same gender neutral toys as babies. They have mutli-racial and mutli-cultural community and extended family. And like most siblings, they are very different kids.
Boy #1: This kid has never met a sport he didn’t like. No matter the shape of the ball or stick, he is on board. He yells himself literally hoarse at sporting events.
Boy #2: This kid has never met a computer he didn’t like. No matter what format, he figures them out in no seconds flat. “No screen” days are hell for him.
Boy #3: This kid has never met a doll/stuffed animal/action figure he didn’t like. He creates epic dramas for them with weddings, divorces, breakups and the like. He will also use the salt and pepper shakers if they are the only thing available.
Of these three kids, one identifies as gay. . .and it’s not the one people usually think. I know this because these are my kids.
We’ve been raising our family in the way the right wing fears. Our family doesn’t have regular gender roles. We’re Buddhist. We’re honest about the gay, lesbian and transgender people in our lives. We live in a culturally diverse area because we want our kids to be exposed to and learn about families different from our own. A lot of noise gets made about these kind of things.
How will our kids learn what it means to be a man? How will they know the difference between right and wrong? How traumatized are they going to be by knowing men marry men and women marry women?
Personally, I think my husband is doing a great job teaching them what it means to be a man. My sons learn from him that men are strong, smart, silly and creative. But what about me? What I am teaching our sons about what it means to be a woman? My sons learn from me that women are strong, smart, silly and creative. Because those are the values we want our children to hold dear. They are not learning them from him or from me, but from both of us.
Dad shows them how to be smart and creative by showing them how to make them pancakes in all different shapes. I show them how be strong and silly by singing operatic-like songs in my loudest voice about how they are not getting ready for school when they should. The fact that my husband’s job involves cooking and running the kiddo taxi service doesn’t make him less of a man. And he knows that. He has nothing to prove, and that’s pretty damn manly.
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Christianity isn’t required for knowing the difference between right and wrong. It never has been. My husband and I feel it is our job to teach our children how to be compassionate, sharing and loving. And not to brag, but I think we are doing an okay job. If you hand our sons two or three of anything, the first thing they do is offer one of them to their brothers. Even cookies. A few weeks ago I did parent-teacher conferences for our two oldest kids. As I said before, they are very different. They have different strengths and areas to work on. They were two very different meetings, but they did have one similarity. Both teachers told me how kind my kids were. That make me want to sing an opera about how proud I am of them.
Then comes the subject of homosexuality. My kids have always known that some girls marry girls and some boys marry boys. How has this hurt them? Not at all. Not even a little bit. In fact I think its been a huge benefit. I mentioned before that one of my sons is gay. It’s #1. The one who loves sports. The one who thinks putting a fedora on top of jeans and a tshirt is dressed up. The one who wouldn’t wear pink if I paid him. Because my kids have had healthy role models of gay men in their daily lives, and although we’ve never talked about it, he knows he doesn’t have to be a stereotype to be gay. He has such confidence and ease with who he is. And I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
As my children grow up and become adults, they will figure out for themselves what it means to be a man. That’s their right. No one gets to tell my kids who they are. Not even me. So maybe in twenty years, one will be sunburned from too many pick up games of basketball, one will be ghostly pale from too many hours in front of a screen, and one will be trying on lipstick to star in his own dramas. All of those options are great. Although, as a mom I will worry about one getting skin cancer, one having a vitamin D deficiency, and one. . .well, I don’t know what I’ll be worrying about him yet. They are my sons. Who they are is perfect and awesome, and it’s been my privilege and honor to guide them along the way. I can’t wait to discover what kind of men they become.
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Read more in Raising Boys
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A feminist would teach her daughter to live for herself and not be concerned with pleasing others or loving upto the expectations of men. Similarly you should teach your sons to love and live for themselves. Too many feminists make ‘raising good sons’ to be about women – How to treat women, how to respect women etc. Its not about women. Its about the boys. Not everything about raising boys has to revolve around women. If anything you must tell them to treat women as equals and not pedastalize them and become blind to their faults and red flags. Being… Read more »
I am So Grateful you and your family exist in our world!
The topic of ‘gay boys’ is rarely discussed. As a gay boy I had no gay role models. It was as a gay toddler at pre-school that I first felt ‘different’ and that feeling of difference continued throughout my childhood. Being gay doesn’t start with the onset of puberty because there’s more to being gay than just sexual attraction. Great article, thanks for sharing the great work you are doing with your kids.
Nobody means nobody with a lefty POV as well as nobody with a righty POV.
You are implying a blanket *assumption* of what right wing means, which is right in line with progressive narratives, and it’s a bigoted assumption about other people you don’t actually know. Sounds more like you are exposing them to families that think just like you, and telling them stories about other people that don’t think like you. What is clear is that you don’t actually understand the tenants of Buddhism, otherwise you would not be so hyper focused on identity labels, presuming the values of others, and congratulating yourself… but you definitely get your left wing brownie points for the… Read more »
What left wing brownie points and it is usually the right that applauds themselves for anything and everything even if it hurts society.
Simple, eloquent, moving. Nice work, really nice.
You are right on point! Too many parents are busy trying to raise their sons to fit into some narrowly defined man box in a way that would be automatically considered oppressive and sexist if they did the same to their daughters. Everybody- and I mean everybody- even people who have never had the experience of being a man even a single day of their lives, have their arrogant opinions about what it means to be a “real” man that they wish to impart on all boys and men. You don’t see people clamoring to narrowly define what it means… Read more »
I like your attitude and philosophy. So many parents are too busy trying to raise their sons to fit into some rigid man box in a way that would be considered sexist if they did it to their daughters! Everybody- and I mean everybody- even people who have never been a man a day of their lives- have their arrogant opinions about what it means to be a “real” man. You don’t see everybody clamoring to narrowly define what it means to be a woman and trying to fit every female into that mold! It’s maddening what this society does… Read more »
Whatever you and your husband have done you’ve done right and well. Congratulations. Can it and sell it and you’ll make a mint. 3 for 3. And baseball players make millions being 1 for 3 on the season average.
F’N BRAVO AMELIA
thank you & your husband for raising your sons as
you are doing. We sorely need more families such
as yours where everyone is allowed, no
empowered to be who they are.