How Do I Get Over a Bad Break Up?

Hi Doc,

I went through a bad breakup late last year that shattered my confidence and reset all the progress I had made managing my social anxiety. Now I’m struggling to avoid falling into depression.

I’m a self-identified introvert with mild to moderate social anxiety which has plagued me since college (I’m 30 now). This breakup ended the only sexual relationship I’ve ever had which lasted less than a year. Long story short, my friend of close to seven years who I will call Ashlee had dumped her strong feelings for me on my lap around this time last year and we got semi-serious, spending the majority of last year together but never making things official or talking about where things were going. It imploded around Christmas when I spent time with another woman on a business trip in December who I will call Rachel. 

I had been infatuated with Rachel in the past, which I had been honest and open about with Ashlee, but, importantly, I never had sex with her. When I told Ashlee that I had seen Rachel on the trip I tried to explain what had gone through my head, before, during, and after. It didn’t matter. Ashlee did not take it well and left the next day.

We swapped a couple letters in early January wherein she called me a liar and cheater. Since then I’ve been unable to stop thinking about how it blew up and what I would like to say to Ashlee to reconcile, even after taking the nuclear option and removing all forms of contact with both her and Rachel.

There is an entire separate conversation to be had about whether we should have gotten together in the first place, what I did with Rachel, and how Ashlee reacted, but I want to focus on moving on.

Side note: incidentally and full disclosure, I had written in years ago asking for your advice on how to handle my relationship with Rachel. It was helpful advice, but ultimately it wasn’t able to help the deteriorating chemistry with her, and my time with her during the trip demonstrated to me that it truly is over with her.

It’s been over six months now and things are only getting worse. I’ve lost interest in most activities that bring me joy. I can hardly muster the motivation to do much of anything beyond the bare minimum, choosing mostly to sit home playing Zelda instead. That said, even running through Hyrule with the master sword has lost a lot of its enjoyment and I’m playing simply to try and distract myself. I find it uncomfortable to even think about doing most activities alone, even a simple walk, telling myself I don’t want to be a Steven Glansberg. I have managed to stay physically active, going to the gym and staying a regular at my local yoga studio, but I’m unable to expand and socialize. I’ve maintained my work ethic but even my coworkers are now noticing that something is off with me as I’ve turned inward and hardly engage with them.

I’ve developed a pessimistic worldview in general and I’ve recently gotten off all social media in the hopes that will help turn down the gloom and doom dial.

I find it difficult to hold most conversations and communicate effectively in general. I cannot focus as my head is thinking about Ashlee even while I’m conversing with someone. My memory has gone to shit and I can hardly pretend to show interest in other people’s lives when I feel as if mine has collapsed and I cannot stop thinking about it. I’ve never had a problem with sleep in the past but I haven’t been able to get a full night of sleep since the breakup and that is having a serious effect on my energy which only further kills my motivation to explore and get social. Oftentimes when I’m home I will just sit there with no particular thoughts, just feeling empty and hopeless.

I’m on Hinge but find myself uninspired to say much of anything with my matches and plan dates. I had one date in January that went nowhere when the woman said she didn’t feel the connection and I don’t blame her. I don’t think I should be on the app when my head is in such a mess and I’m barely passing the Grimes test.

My therapist who I see one to two times a month has recommended I focus on the basics; making eye contact and small talk with people, taking those solo walks, doing meditation, and getting comfortable being alone again. She has also recommended getting back into the dance classes which I had enjoyed pre-pandemic and had done a lot to push me out of my comfort zone. But I’m struggling to put anything into action, and I don’t know who else to turn to for conversation and support. I had moved to a new state for a new job in Jan 2020 and the pandemic managed to provide the perfect excuse to not explore and build a new social network. Now I’m paying the price by having no friends around me outside of a few coworkers and a meetup group I see once a month. I still have friends back home, but I saw them over Memorial Day and felt a massive disconnect, created completely by my own head because Ashlee is a mutual friend with them.

I don’t know where to go from here, and I’m afraid this will only spiral further. How can I get over the breakup and move on? How can I keep the social anxiety in check to get out of my head and comfort zone? How do I find my curiosity for life again? How do I get back into dating, get comfortable opening myself up to someone, and being vulnerable again?

Thanks,

Anxious and Alone

If I’m being honest, AA, I think that breakup was a blessing in disguise. Leaving aside that I think dumping one’s feelings on somebody is a bad way to ask them out, Ashlee seems like someone who thrives on drama. And if drama isn’t presented, she will create drama with all the skill and forethought of ChatGPT being asked to write a new play in the style of Euripides.

To be somewhat fair, and contingent on precisely what and how you told Ashlee, I don’t think you helped by telling her about Rachel… either about your previous crush or about seeing her on the trip. Relationships aren’t depositions and our partners don’t need a rundown on every single thing we’ve thought or felt about people we’ve known in the past – especially people we’ve never really had a relationship with. And to be blunt, if Ashlee is as much of a drama llama as it sounds, not telling her would’ve been wise in general. There are times when not disclosing things is the better choice, particularly when the person you’d be telling is prone to flying off the handle. And doubly so if the thing you’re not telling them is as innocuous as “hung out with an old friend”.

Similarly, Ashlee going out of her way to call you a cheat and a liar long after your break up… look, people are allowed to feel how they feel, but there’s a point where you’re better off without them in your life. And if she’s going to be that accusatory and vituperative over things that didn’t happen? Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and say that your life is better without her than with it.

Now, I say all this not because I’m saying that you “shouldn’t” be sad about this break up, but because it seems like you’re still beating yourself up over things that happened. The fact that you’re thinking about what to say and how to reconcile with her sounds like you’re taking blame for things that frankly it doesn’t sound like you should be blamed for. If literally all that happened is you saw an old friend – and apparently ended that relationship too – and she dumped you over it? The takeaway is that you got out of a bad scene, not that you deserve blame for blowing things up. Especially a relationship that sounds like it needed the creative application of high-yield explosive.

Similarly, I can’t imagine the circumstances under which reconciling would be good for you, especially since it would seem to require both groveling for crimes you didn’t commit and taking responsibility for things that aren’t yours to take responsibility for. And, as so often is the case, all getting back with her would do is sign you up for the 12” extended dance mix of your last argument – just louder and more intense.

I think it’s worth examining your feelings as to precisely why you’re hanging onto this – whether it’s a matter of misplaced guilt, fear of being alone or even simply the familiarity of the known, even when the known isn’t pleasant. The more you can understand how you’re feeling and what, precisely, is hitting you about this, the more you can start to address them.

That, however, is a side issue. As I can say from experience: getting rid of a toxic relationship can remove a trigger, but it isn’t going to remove depression. And you, my dude, are displaying classic symptoms. A lack of energy and motivation? Being unable to enjoy your interests and hobbies? A tendency towards self-isolation, avoiding people, an inability to concentrate and disrupted sleep patterns? That’s depression. And that, I suspect, is likely exacerbating the issue. That should move it up the priority ladder when it comes to pulling yourself out of this funk.

If you haven’t already, you should talk to your therapist about treatment options. Depression is a weird beast, and it can often require a mix of treatments. Talk therapy is certainly a start, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help with triggers and those maelstrom of thoughts where you relive and try to re-argue your break up and your experiences with Rachel. But a lot of times, it’s not going to be enough and you’ll need medical help. This can sound scary or like you’re overreacting to just having “the blues”. But look at it this way: this is a condition that’s negatively affecting your personal life, your mental and physical health, your relationships and your work. It’s not something you can just will yourself out of. And hey, if you can’t make your own serotonin, store-bought is fine. Getting started with treating your depression as depression will go a long way towards helping you get over this.

Another thing to consider is how your isolation is affecting you physically, too. One of the things that folks often don’t realize is how much loneliness and isolation is a literal killer. It increases stress, and thus cortisol in the body. It screws with your metabolism, your brain function and your hormonal levels. It is, quite literally, more dangerous for you than smoking. If you approach going out, even if it’s just for group classes or to practice the social basics as your therapist suggested, as medical intervention, you may have an easier time breaking through that inertial block. You can’t do it just for the sake of seeing people? OK fine, do it because you’re trying to not die. Doctor’s orders.

But here’s the other thing about going out and trying to be social: it’ll help you get over your break up faster. Part of what makes break ups so hard is that there’s a physical and chemical component to them. The pain of a break up is physical as well as emotional; you are, quite literally, in withdrawal. As toxic as it was, your relationship with Ashlee was also a source of dopamine and oxytocin and you’ve been cut off from your supply. Your body is now dealing with a greatly reduced level of hormones it adapted to. Finding other sources and getting your fix from a wider variety of places and people will help with that.

The quickest and easiest way to get a dopamine and oxytocin hit is through physical touch. So I would recommend starting with a therapeutic massage. A bare-bones basic Swedish massage can be a jump-start; beyond the benefits of massage itself, simple skin-to-skin contact with another person is going increase your production of dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin while also decreasing your cortisol levels. This will not only improve your general mood and sense of well-being, but it can also help you break that block that’s keeping you from going out and doing the things you know you need to do. Again: if you think of it in health or even mechanical terms, you may find it that much easier to get up and go do it. You don’t want to go through the effort of trying to force yourself to make friends, then fine. You may not necessarily want to take your car in to get its oil changed either, but you do it because it’s important for the engine to function and not break down. Same goes with your body; if you wanna keep it running, you gotta take it into the shop and top up your oil and brake fluid and flush out the engine.

From there, move slowly. You don’t need to make bestest of best friends right away, but you can start taking some of your weak ties and working towards strengthening them. Talking with your coworkers more, eating lunch with them or getting drinks after work is a great start that doesn’t require much investment on your part. They may not be the friends you will have a year from now, but they can, at the very least, be the base that you build from. The same goes with dance classes, other meetup groups or other hobbiest get-togethers – simply meeting other folks for the sake of conversation, laughter and getting out of the house. All things, I might add, that stimulate production of the dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin that you’re lacking right now.

If you take these as little steps in combination with treating your depression, I think you’ll find that you think about Ashlee less and less. You won’t necessarily notice at first so much as one day you’ll realize that you hadn’t thought of her in a day. Then a week. Then a year will have passed and you’ll be surprised to realize that you are well on your way to being over her. And when that happens? It won’t be like a thunderclap from out of the blue, but more like a burden being lifted that you’d forgotten you were carrying – noticeable mostly for its absence.

But you can’t get there until you start. So haul your body in for its maintenance. Your heart will thank you for it.

Good luck.

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Dear Dr. NerdLove, I need an Am I The Asshole check if you will. I’m mid 30s, straight, amicably divorced man who has shared custody of my kids with my ex. We didn’t work as a couple, but we work great as parents and so we co-parent our kids and those kids are my life.

Not that long ago, I dipped my toe back into the dating pool and met a woman we will call Zelda. Zelda was exciting, flashy and eye-catching and operatic, really different from not just my ex but most women I’ve dated in my life. I wasn’t sure if she was going to be someone I’d be with long-term but I was interested in at least something short term with her and being so different made it fun and the flash and theatrics were actually a little thrilling. At first.

Like I said, my kids are my life and I made it clear to Zelda that they were always going to be my top priority. That meant that my free time was going to go to them first and that my ex wife was going to be in the picture too as we were co-parenting. I was very up front about this when we started dating. I was also up front about the fact that my kids are young and I wasn’t going to introduce someone new to them until I knew that we were going to be together for a long time.

At first, Zelda was ok with this. And then she wasn’t. And when she wasn’t, she was VERY not ok. When I say she was operatic I mean that things escalated QUICKLY with her – disagreements about almost anything could turn into shouting matches. She would make plans without asking me first then get upset when I would tell her I couldn’t make it because I had my kids or had to help my ex and then she would accuse me of neglecting her. If I couldn’t do things on her schedule I was accused of wasting her time. She would do things like tell me she’s setting a boundary about communicating with my ex wife and then get upset that I answered a call from her because my son had a stomach bug and could I take him to the doctor. Whatever she wanted to do was important or self care or some other thing that meant it was necessary even if it was the exact thing she was asking me NOT to do. What I did, especially involving things that didn’t include her, was breaking a boundary or some other thing that made it clear I was the bad guy.

Yes, I know that this wasn’t a great situation, you don’t need to tell me that. I let things go a lot more than I probably should have, but I also have to admit that since I knew that this wasn’t going to be for long or much longer even, I didn’t take a lot of it as seriously as I could have been especially towards the end.

Things came to a head when she once again laid down a boundary and insisted that I let her meet my kids. I said no, we’d barely been together for four months and I wasn’t sure I saw this lasting much longer anyway. Not that I told her that last part I’m not an idiot. But it didn’t matter since she dumped me the next day by a text, telling me that I was clearly a horrible person with personality issues, that I was determined to drag her down with my toxic attitude and she needed to take care of herself and so she never wanted to see me again and then proceeded to block my number – something I didn’t find out until I tried to get ahold of her to return some stuff she’d left at my place the last time she slept over. I eventually put it in a box and dropped it off in front of her apartment and never tried to get in touch with her again.

That was all a couple weeks ago. I don’t regret the break up since it obviously needed to happen. But I can’t lie, there’s a part of me that feels bad and wonders how much of this really WAS my fault. Maybe I was too blunt, too rigid about my rules regarding my kids or playing it too loose with things that upset her. I could see that prioritizing my kids over her hurt and while I won’t apologize for putting them first, I have to wonder if maybe I was TOO hardass about things or not taking her boundaries seriously. I’m sure I could’ve backed off more when things would escalate into fights or tried to avoid letting them escalate in the first place.

So I have to know – was I pushing at her boundaries here? Was I The Asshole in this situation? What should I have done or do in the future I guess so that this didn’t go down the way it did?

Sad Dad Did Bad?

There’s one incredibly important, absolutely vital thing you didn’t do that you absolutely should have, SDDB, and that’s build yourself a time machine, go back in time and make sure you never encountered this woman in the first place. Quite honestly, I have to imagine the sex must have been next level because I’m having a hard time picturing any other reason why you’d have stuck around four minutes, never mind four months.

Now I understand why you feel shitty about things. If you have an ounce of empathy, if you’re even a half-way decent person, finding out that your actions hurt someone is going to suck. You, quite understandably, feel bad that you caused pain or hurt to another person and – again – if you are at all a decent person, you want to try to make it right and avoid doing it again in the future.

But there’s “having done things that hurt someone” and then there’s “unable to not step on a landmine because somebody keeps throwing landmines everywhere you walk”. And your former lady friend sounds like an example of the latter. Some people collect drama bombs and they toss them around like the Green Goblin trying to draw out Spider-Man.

Now I don’t know what she has going on under the hood but I can say that it sounds to me like she was setting you up for failure. The key here is the way you mention her boundaries. Those… weren’t boundaries. Boundaries aren’t something you impose on other people, they’re lines in the sand. They’re the thing you say that you are going to do or not do, not what the other person is “allowed” to do.

If you say “I’m not going to put up with someone who disrespects my time”, you’re setting a boundary, and breaking up with them when they flake on you constantly is enforcing that boundary. “My kids come first and I’m not going to date someone who doesn’t understand that” is a boundary. You’re setting up a condition – you’re not going to put up with people who act… well, like Zelda did.

But “you’re not going to talk to your ex-wife when I’m around” isn’t a boundary. A boundary would be “If you’re going to keep taking calls when we’re on dates or having time that’s just us, I’m going to leave.” That is about what she will do – if you cross this line, here’s what you can expect from her. Saying that you have to do X or else is about controlling your behavior. At best, that’s a demand. At worst, that’s a threat.

And to be fair, that could be a reasonable ask, depending on the circumstance. If you were, say, taking calls or texts just to chitchat while you were on a date? Yeah, that’s not cool of you and she’d be right to be upset. That’s you disrespecting her time and cutting into time you promised to her in order to spend it with someone else.

But her getting mad because you’re being a good dad and co-parent in a family emergency situation? Yeah, fuck that noise. That’s her throwing a tantrum over something that not only could you not have prevented but that you would definitely be an asshole to have ignored.

(I do, admittedly, wonder if you were regularly taking calls and texts from your ex-wife or if this was a “she doesn’t call at X hour unless it’s an emergency” sort of situation. If it’s the former and it just happened to be that your son was sick… ok, I would have to give her that.)

Now, as much as I’m primed to not care for Zelda, I want to be fair and ask: is it that any disagreement, no matter how small, would turn into a shouting match because she would take anything besides “I’m so sorry” as incitement? Or is it that, since this wasn’t a serious relationship, you didn’t take her concerns seriously? If you were making good faith efforts to try to resolve things or avoid those landmines in the first place and she wouldn’t take “I’m sorry” or “oh, I didn’t realize, lets do Y instead of X” then, yeah, it sounds like she’s someone who’s either always spoiling for a fight or who expects to get her way every time. If you were a little more loosey-goosey with how much care you gave to her feelings or interests, then yeah, that’s on you; a casual relationship is no excuse to treat someone casually.

But honestly? It sounds to me like you were basically set up to fail by someone who lived for drama and being upset at others, and who misuses “therapy speak” to justify her behavior. I think you’re much better off seeing this as the bullet you dodged like Neo rather than a sign that you did something wrong.

You should examine your behavior and see if there are things that can or should change for next time. But in this case? It sounds to me like a very Not The Asshole. And a lesson in not confusing “drama” with “excitement”

Good luck.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

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