A man asks Eli and Josie how to help his female best friend stop using men and then dumping them.
Dear Sexes: I’m male and my female best friend and I have just worked out that the only reason why relationships have not been working out for her is because she’s only interested in the interest guys show for her, but not for the guys per se. It’s sort of like an exercise in ego-inflation for her. Her motivation it seems, in seeking out a budding relationship is so as to inflate her ego further, and as soon as she sees their imperfections, she shuns them away. She knows it’s selfish, but how do I help her?
She Said: First, it’s excellent that she sees what she’s doing. But not until she gets to the root of her issues and actually solves the problem will she stop doing it.
This is a fear of intimacy issue. For whatever reason, she’s afraid of being truly loved and of getting hurt. It’s not that these guys actually have anything wrong with them (more than anyone else), it’s that she doesn’t truly want to love someone or to be loved for real in return.
She needs to see a therapist and figure this out. As awesome as it is that you want to help her, you’re just not equipped to be the one to suss out where it comes from. What you can do, as her friend, is be there to listen as she grows through this problem. She’s going to need an honest sounding board that has her best interests in mind… You do have her best interests in mind, right? You aren’t trying to be “the one” she actually falls in love with, are you?
Because she’s not ready to fall in love. No matter how amazing you are. She’s got a bit of work to do.
Know, however, that this behavior isn’t going to change overnight. It’s not your job to help her, or to hear her complain over and over again about the same problems if she isn’t doing the work. This will just become a drain to you and prevent you from finding the woman (or man) of your dreams if you’re looking for one. Or, if you’re in a relationship, sometimes these types of friends can suck the energy you have for intimacy away, and your primary relationship is left high and dry.
Another thing to check into is Love Addicts Anonymous. If she can’t afford therapy, she can find meetings of love/sex addicts anonymous and attend for free, if the symptoms strike a chord.
He Said: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I promise… your girl friend’s relationships are failing for a variety of reasons. She’s human, right? Regardless of how amazing your friend may be, she has flaws, and some of those character traits MAY have something to do with her failed relationships. Timing, chance, and chemistry also play role in the dating game. Your friend isn’t in charge of those things is she?
If you want to help your friend out, tell her to start focusing more on herself, and have her worry less about finding the perfect human to date. And if you want to give her some tough love, remind her that selfishness, game-playing, and narcissism aren’t the most endearing qualities. To be blunt, your friend sounds terrified of love. Do you see her pushing others away (we know she seeks out their imperfections) before she can be abandoned, let-down, hurt, etc…? She may be sabotaging her own chances at a successful relationship. If you want to help her out, be honest with her, and urge her to start being honest with herself.
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