How Does a Dead Bedroom Begin and End?

Let me tell you how dead bedrooms start.

It’s usually very gradual — the frog in the boiling pot theory. You don’t notice until you’re cooked.

Step 1. The low libido partner loses desire

It could be NRE (new relationship energy) timing out or depression, pain from sex or resentments that aren’t resolved. Anything really. Pick your poison. It’s a diminishment of desire. The low libido spouse pushes you away at any opportunity.

The excuses begin.

“I’m tired.”
“I’m not in the mood.”
“We just did it.”
“I don’t understand you.”
“Why can’t we just relax?”

Whatever it is. Neither one of you can grasp the other. You’re both as slippery as fish.

Step 2. Feeling unloved and unappreciated

This goes for both partners.

The low libido suffers under the strain of “trying to please,” and the high libido is in sexless shackles.

Being expected to perform unwanted sexual acts doesn’t make your partner want to snuggle and get closer to you. What little personal pleasure she might have gets stripped away. Except, he begs and cajoles.

Then, the wheel is set in motion.

Step 3. “Why aren’t we having sex?”

The “conversation” starts.

This never goes anywhere. It’s a conundrum.

“Will you see a therapist/counselor/doctor/anyone?” You might schedule appointments that never get taken. Or have so many visits that your bank account is the only thing seeing action.

It’s denial or tacit acceptance of the status quo.

Step 4. Both promise to “try” harder

“Let’s work on this together.”

Ha. I’m just a tiny bit jaded. This is laughable at best.

It becomes one-sided.

Are you surprised? I’m not.

A problem that remains unsolvable no matter the resources you throw at it. You might as well fling yourself against a brick wall. Instead, you will have “the talk” ad infinitum until one of you gives up.

If you are lucky, things might improve for maybe three weeks. And then the cycle repeats itself yet again. Hope and anger, and resentment fuel the loop.

Step 5. You give up

The high libido partner gives up trying to “fix” the deader than dead bedroom.

“She’s repressed.”
“Nothing I do or say works.”
“He/she’s asexual.”
“They might be gay.”
“Too much trauma.”
“They won’t get help.”

You “check out” of the relationship. All the pain and disillusionment bring you to a precipice that your partner ignores.

Step 6. You change yourself

“I’ll just focus on me.”

That’s how it starts. You begin an exercise regimen. Or hobbies. Or make new friends. Whatever it might be. It gets you out of the house and a tiny bit less miserable.

You decide to try and forget anything about sex and intimacy.

“I can masturbate.”
“I will not initiate.”
“I am done with rejection.”

You never see each other naked. You barely touch. The marriage bed is frosty, with invisible icy daggers separating you.

Step 7. You look outside your marriage

Ding a ling. Adultery calling.

This is where I come in. Very few people will stay celibate for extended periods (no matter the idiocy in r/deadbedrooms on Reddit). I lasted 4 years without an iota of sex before I cracked.

Sex is a physical need for most of us.

That leads to looking.

“I’m getting ignored at home.”
“I need more than this.”

The exhilaration of finding someone/anyone in your dead bedroom shoes who “understands” is a breath of fresh adulterous air. Finally, you can unleash your raging libido! Try all those things that you are dying for.

Sex on top of sheets. Sex in a car. Sex in bright daylight. Sex outside. Sex in a public bathroom. SEX on your brain. Can’t get enough after being denied for so long.

Step 8. You stay or leave

This one is the hardest — maybe because I’m in it.

“You stay for the kids.”
“Or appearances.”
“OR money.”

It could be anything. Staying because you still love your partner. You feel “selfish” to leave for something as trivial as sex. You have memories of good times together. A perverted sense of loyalty. Compromises are part of marriage, you rationalize.

You’re roommates.

Or do you leave and start over?

No easy answer for a dead bedroom — I’m just writing the steps. I don’t have a clue what the ending is. Not for me or you.

…

Tell me what stage you are in, dear readers.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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