As I sat down to dinner with my five-year-old daughter, not long ago, she hit me with a terrific question.
She asked, “Dad, why are you blinking so hard?”
“I’m still hurting,” I said.
It doesn’t get much more observant than a smart kindergartener.
The majority of that day I was in considerable physical pain. From my feet to my knees to my lower back, I could barely stand longer than about 15-minutes. This has been a theme of my life for almost 10-years.
I often describe situations like this as being the source of new pain. And, since my daughter will only continue growing and learning and assimilating information into her worldview, there is no foreseeable end to such discussions and their consequences.
That could have been the end of the conversation. She could have chosen to accept my answer and continue whatever she was thinking about. But that’s not my kid. She pressed forward.
“When will I hurt like you?” she asked.
“I hope you never do.”
“But when will I?”
“You probably won’t, honey.”
At that moment I realized how desperately I hope she never experiences chronic, debilitating pain. I once heard it said that there is a ten-thousand-foot drop from your head to your heart. This nugget of, suddenly, deeply held understanding landed like a bomb. No parent wants to contemplate the possibility that their child will hurt but until that moment I only held that information cognitively. I didn’t, as my father says, “own the information.”
That is where our conversation ended. That is not where my mind was able to leave it.
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Trauma
Trauma in someone’s past is often initially categorized into one of two camps; “Big-T” and “Little-t.” Far too many people experience significant trauma and need help dealing with big-T issues in life. My daughter’s mother died. When we lost Tiff, we both suffered big-T trauma. And despite my best efforts, I’m sure my daughter will need more help than I’m able to give throughout her life.
On the other hand, little-t trauma can be just as challenging. Seemingly harmless remarks that needle at you. Repeatedly being denied otherwise reasonable requests. Or an air of uncertainty blanketing your life could all be little-t traumas.
The reason we need to be aware of little-t trauma is that enough little-t’s can morph into big-T, over time.
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Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families
ACA was built around the 12-step model pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous. According to their website (adultchildren.org), the group meets “to share our experience of growing up in an environment where abuse, neglect, and trauma infected us. This affects us today and influences how we deal with all aspects of our lives.” I have a number of friends who are regular ACA attendees and are now championing their lives with newfound freedoms because of this program.
In all of the conversations we’ve had, one of the main concerns about their childhood was uncertainty. Never knowing what the day would bring and how their dysfunctional parent might behave is a core issue. This seems to permeate every aspect of life from promises unfulfilled all of the way to some of the harshest situations imaginable. The more I learn about addiction, and its effects, the more parallels I see relating to chronic pain. Nowhere is this as clear to me as living in uncertainty.
When is dad going to be in pain?
When will he not be?
Does this, or that, hurt him?
Did I do something to cause it?
Am I the reason he hurts all of the time?
Maybe I’m looking too deeply into it. Perhaps I am unnecessarily concerning myself with how my child is internalizing this particular aspect of our lives. I do everything I can to curtail, muffle, dampen and otherwise mute how pain affects my life. But let’s be clear, my chronic pain is a dysfunction and it certainly breeds uncertainty in me.
How could it not do the same for a five-year-old?
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Children are Resilient
That is a fact, Jack. I have a backstage pass to the circus of fortitude in which my daughter performs every day. Quite frankly, she’s tougher than some adults I’ve known. What’s more? She doesn’t know any different. Outside of her powers of observation, and considerable ability to compare, this has always been her reality.
That being said, how often are we able to say that? Is there a limit on a child’s strength?
Sometimes when I hear that phrase, I catch the slightest hint that maybe what that person means is, “It’s okay, they’re too young to remember this, anyway.”
If that’s the way we think about child resilience, we couldn’t be further off the path.
I have worked hard to not use that phrase as a crutch but I’ve felt the weight of its pull. The allure of a silver bullet solution to the concerns of parenting.
I wonder whether that apple isn’t the fruit of the poisonous tree?
One definition of abuse in early childhood circles is “anything less than nurturing.” I think if we aren’t careful, relying too heavily on the fact that children are resilient could be a slippery slope into neglect and deprioritization.
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Hope
Every night, she and I say prayers. It’s an every/other, A/B-type schedule we’re on. This is a huge improvement from the recent months of her refusing to pray, by the way. That little girl prays that her dad’s body will feel better every time it’s her turn. Sometimes she’s even more specific and will pray for whichever body part she asked me about after seeing me wince.
Yes, it happens every time. No, I’m still not over it. I melt every time.
This is one of the most profound insights to me that she will roll with this part of her reality. Even if you take the religious or theological elements out of it, what I see is a little girl who can exist in a world of uncertainty and retain hope that things will improve. Enough hope, that she is able to express it.
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Final Thoughts
I don’t know how my pain will affect my daughter growing up. I’m confident it will. At the end of the day, I know a few things will always be the right answers.
- Communicate effectively
- Love, Love, Love her
- Be mindful as often and as much as possible
- Be gentle and patient with myself
Are you trying to parent through chronic pain? If so, what are your thoughts? What have you found to be the best ways to allay these fears or best support your children?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Mark Timberlake on Unsplash
