How Falling in Love With the Wrong Person Can Ruin Your Life

There’s nothing more torturous in life than wondering if you’ll ever get to be with your love interest or not. But after two years of waiting, praying, and losing my mind, Nicole finally said the magic words I’d been hungry to hear, “I want us to be together!”

Nicole was all I thought and cared about, but I wondered if it would ever happen. Here she was, though, standing at my front door, telling me she was ready to move in with me. She was the reward I’d been holding out for all my life, and I felt as if I’d finally reached the promised land. All the pain and losses I’d endured before seemed worth it because this was the grand prize of life. But that feeling of security was short-lived.

As humans, we need love to feel secure and stable. But when love is fleeting, it can twist us up in physical and emotional knots that make something as simple as breathing hard.

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Before I met Nicole, I was a divorced, overworked, hopeless romantic lost in the dark forest of my mid-30’s. I’d put everything I had into becoming an architect and building a business. But when I finally arrived in the business world, I occupied an empty shell, filling my days with meeting other people’s needs but losing touch with my own.

All of life’s prior goals seemed unfulfilling to me. I yearned for that nostalgic feeling of my youth when I believed something big and life-changing was ahead. I couldn’t see where or how that would happen, but when I walked into that bar on a lonely Thursday night, I glimpsed the most heavenly soul I’d ever laid eyes on.

Nicole was the head bartender at a new downtown restaurant that was all the rage. She was a small, lean, exotic-looking girl with a mix of German and Thai in her blood. She had short, wavy hair, piercing eyes, and creamy skin stretched tautly across a perfect frame. Nicole took my breath away from the first words out of her mouth, “So what can I interest in you in tonight?”

Nicole had been the object of desire for many powerful men, but they fell like giant sycamore trees one by one. She was wise to the male conquest games and wasn’t interested in being a notch on anyone’s belt. No amount of big talk, money, muscles, or showing off could possess Nicole’s heart, but we all have our weaknesses.

Nicole struggled between her desire for the good boy versus the bad boy. The wild versus the tame, and the dangerous versus the stable. Her weakness was my weakness too. I’m not sure Nicole ever believed she could have or deserved the good life, which may explain a pivotal part of my attraction to her.

Despite my desire to be the tall, dark, and mysterious man in her life, I was the shortish, stable, nice guy. While I was ambitious, there was nothing dangerous about me. I was terribly reliable.

But Luke—the rebel man that owned the bar she worked at—was about as wild, handsome, and charming as one could imagine James Dean or Marlon Brando being in real life. He rode a Harley, drank all hours of the day, never got fat, and ate a buffet of drugs daily. Yet Luke hung out with some of the city’s highest-profile bankers, lawyers, doctors, and politicians.

It didn’t matter whether you were a dentist or a steelworker; every guy wanted to be like Luke, and all the girls wanted to be with him. I’d watch women — many of them happily married — offer themselves up to Luke with no strings attached. Luke had this unkempt swagger and a magnetic charm that gave him immense power over people, and he knew it.

When I rode around with Luke in his truck, he had enough guns, drugs, and bottles of beer rolling around the floorboard of his pickup truck to send him to prison for many years. But Luke didn’t care about red lights, speed limits, DUIs, or the law. Despite his recklessness, Luke got away with damn near everything he did. Even the cops admired him.

Married with kids, Luke also had a covert thing on the side with Nicole, and he kept her off the market for years. He didn’t love her as much as he inflicted his dark side on her. Although she tried many times, Nicole couldn’t break free from his narcotic grip. And I couldn’t break free of her.

Every ounce of me dreamed about being with Nicole. I ignored my friends and blew off other good relationship opportunities to be her side project. I cashed in every goodwill chip I had with God in hopes He’d grant me this one wish in life. I thought He did, but then it all blew up in my face.

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Burned out by Luke’s bad boy antics, Nicole was ready for the good life. She and I were finally getting close to going public. But all that did was raise the stakes and sense of urgency for Luke to get off the fence and make a decision. And I should’ve known better; most girls pick the bad guy in the end.

I thought my calm, stoic qualities would win Nicole over, and they did for a while. We flirted weekly, talked on the phone a lot, and had lunches and dinners. But not long after she told me she wanted to move in together, she disappeared. Two weeks later, I heard Luke had left his wife for Nicole, and they were living together, which sent me into a self-destructive tailspin for many years.

To get away from the pain, I packed up my bags and moved 3500 miles away, and started a whole new life in California. I didn’t call, write, or ask about her for years, and then, by chance or fate, I ran into Nicole, Luke, and their new baby in the LA airport. They were on their way back to my old hometown, as was I. She was no longer this sleek, sultry cat but had that haggard look on her face of being the sole caretaker of kids. However, Luke still had that suave bad-boy-play-boy wandering look in his eyes.

We chatted for a bit, but I kept my comments short and sweet. However, when I checked into my hotel that night, I had a blinking message light on the nightstand phone from Nicole. How she figured out where I was staying surprised me, but she asked me to meet with her the next day to talk.

As I stared at that phone, debating what to do, my familiar knots started twisting up again. As tempting as it was, I didn’t call Nicole back, but I often wondered what would’ve happened had we met and reconnected.

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Many years later, I traveled through my old hometown again, and, much to my shock, I saw Nicole’s mugshot on the local TV station. The police arrested her on five counts of trying to sell cocaine to an undercover cop at the restaurant she ran with Luke. I know she would’ve never done that kind of illegal activity on her own. I figured that had to be Luke’s scheme. He was the master at getting other people to do his dirty work, but he got off scot-free while Nicole went to jail.

Not long after that, they lost their business. The infighting between extended family members entailed restraining orders and several more arrests. Then Luke’s son from a previous marriage died in a tragic accident. It was a streak of bad luck to endure in such a short amount of time, and I felt tremendous saddness for them.

Where Nicole is today, I don’t know. She might still be in jail or out on parole. Either way, her situation breaks my heart. I can’t imagine that was the life she wanted or expected to live.

…

In between all those events, I met my soul mate in the airport baggage claim area of LAX. We got married and have a beautiful daughter now. After the hit and run with Nicole, I didn’t think I could feel the sensations of love again. But what I thought I wanted doesn’t compare to the incredible gift of life I received from my wife. Our love is a bedrock of stability and fountain of strength.

My wife has no interest in the bad boy archetype. She knows what she wants in a man with absolute certainty. But she often tells me her girlfriends can’t resist the attraction of the bad boys. I’m not here to judge women because men are much worse. But what fascinates me is how different our lives can turn out depending on who we choose as our partners.

I sometimes wonder how Nicole and I’s life would’ve turned out had she chose me instead of Luke. Would she have still sold drugs and gone to prison? Would she have forever craved the bad boys? Would I have ever felt secure in the relationship?

The mere thought of not meeting my current wife terrifies me because I am so in love and enthralled by her.

…

I believe we have a few soul mates in our lives, some good and some bad. While some of those loves feel “right,” they’re not always healthy for us. My attraction to Nicole was unhealthy and probably more psychologically based than I realized. And unfortunately, Nicole’s love for Luke was unhealthy, if not ruinous, for her.

Many of us fall into the trap of assuming the magnetic attraction we have to someone must be right because of the strength of the pull and our inability to resist. But I’m not sure that’s love as much as it’a subconscious residue from childhood relationship dynamics. The more critical question we need to ask about love is this: Is the person we’re with healthy or unhealthy for us?

Nicole will always be a beautiful soul to me, and I wish her well in life. I hope she finds what she’s looking for — whether that be peace or adventure. I know I would’ve treated her like a princess, but I’m not sure that’s what Nicole wanted or if I was the right guy for her. She loved Luke and chose him, and I ended up finding the true love of my life thousands of miles away.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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